Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-27-2017, 09:50 AM
 
6,039 posts, read 6,035,274 times
Reputation: 16753

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueherons View Post
Why in the HELL are these rude cousins and husbands not helping with the cleanup?

That is all on you guys for allowing everyone else to leave and not pitch in.

If you try and force your mom to give all this up, you will one day regret it.
I agree with #1 and #2, but while I would never FORCE mom to give it all up I would not continue my involvement if others refused to help, or if the event didn't morph into something more manageable.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-27-2017, 09:57 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359
It's a very typical conflict that arises when there is a natural transition like this.

It's a "circle of life" kind of thing, where things have been a certain way for a while, usually because one powerful relative likes it that way, and the others grudgingly go along. Then, when they get to the point where they can't take it anymore, talk of change begins.

Depending on the family's dynamics, change can be pretty smooth and enjoyable (passing down the family traditions to the eager younger relatives!) or painful and traumatic (like this case where the mom derives her self-worth from being the flawless entertainer who can pull this off [on the backs of her willing DILs, of course] and you'll only get "change" when you pry her cold, dead fingers off the gravy ladle. (Sorry OP )

What is likely to happen is that it'll continue for a few years, since the OP panicked at the mere mention of telling her mom "no more!" Then when Mom isn't physically able to play ringmaster, things will fall apart and it won't happen anymore.

Only if another ringmaster steps up, perhaps one that is more reasonable and willing to delegate, will the tradition go on.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-27-2017, 10:29 AM
 
1,478 posts, read 1,507,010 times
Reputation: 3411
I like the idea of trying to get mom to understand that you would also prefer to spend the holiday socializing with your older relatives.

You may need to suggest that it become something else entirely for your mom to be OK with letting go of the pride she has about the meal though, the way it’s ‘her thing’ and her recipes etc. You’ll need to find a way to frame it as a new (but no less impressive) way to celebrate.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-27-2017, 10:35 AM
 
Location: Denver CO
24,204 posts, read 19,122,698 times
Reputation: 38266
What if you continued to cook what you can in advance but then hire helpers for the day of, who can deal with the remaining kitchen work and clean up, so you can enjoy relaxing with your relatives while getting to eat the home cooked food that is so important to mom? Reality is that she won't be around for all that much longer anyway, so if you can figure out a way to maintain the traditions for at least a few more years, it will be be priceless family memories before everyone ends up going their own way after that (as is the most likely scenario, as grandkids marry and people start splitting off into their own nuclear family groups)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-27-2017, 10:36 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 25,056,304 times
Reputation: 51113
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
At 81 she will not change, but you can. My suggestion is to divide the work into manageable chunks. Include the sons and son-in-laws and older grandchildren. Heck at our holiday dinners the grandchildren start to help by age 4 or 5, by setting the table, helping clear dishes, taking dessert orders, etc. etc. If grandma is 81 I bet that there are teenage or adult grandchildren that can take over major responsibilities.

Or make changes such as each additional family brings a dessert or side dish, or that some people handle prep, others handle serving and a different group handles clean-up.

Divide up the work so that everyone will have some time to talk to the relatives.
With four generations, plus out of town cousins, you should be able to easily divide up the work load. If the out of town cousins want to attend and eat they need to contribute to the meal and/or help with prep, serving or clean-up. After all you aren't a restaurant where they are paying for their holiday meal.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-27-2017, 10:42 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
With four generations, plus out of town cousins, you should be able to easily divide up the work load. If the out of town cousins want to attend and eat they need to contribute to the meal and/or help with prep, serving or clean-up. After all you aren't a restaurant where they are paying for their holiday meal.
It sure seems like the simplest solution, doesn't it?

But watch how that guest tally suddenly shrinks when people are asked to do more than just show up and eat.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-27-2017, 10:50 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,381,087 times
Reputation: 115942
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
It sure seems like the simplest solution, doesn't it?

But watch how that guest tally suddenly shrinks when people are asked to do more than just show up and eat.
It seems that wouldn't be a bad thing. People who don't want to pitch in and contribute are free to choose not to attend.

Just a couple more thoughts: the OP said, not quite so bluntly, that this is about mom showing off her cooking skills, and basically one-upping the other relatives. She said that mom compares herself to the other cooks, and finds them lacking. So this huge 50+ gathering is all about mom and her ego. She frames it as generosity, but according to the OP, in her mind, mom is showing the entire extended clan that she's better than they are. That's kind of a distasteful thing to enable, but maybe that's just me. Still, it's not necessary to show off one's cooking skills to over 4 dozen people at once, in order to have some pride and enjoyment in feeding people. Having a home-based event with just the immediate family--mom's children and their spouses, + subsequent generations, minus the cousins--would be much more manageable. Any teens involved could be drafted to assist with cleaning up. Anyone 10 or over could do that; that's how we did it in my holiday season family get-togethers.

Also, the whole thing about mom showing off her cooking skills is pretty much a moot point. Mom isn't doing 90% of the cooking; the other women in the family are. Mom's only doing the turkey and stuffing. So, what, exactly is she showing off? Her command of her daughters and DIL's? Her recipes? The logic of the thing breaks down under scrutiny.

There have been a number of good suggestions given in the thread. The OP should be able to figure something out, that would still allow mom the opportunity to shine, while giving the next generation of women in the family an opportunity to actually enjoy the gathering, and bond with their relatives, even if it means hiring help for at least some of the cooking, and all of the cleanup.

Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 11-27-2017 at 11:08 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-27-2017, 10:52 AM
 
3,810 posts, read 8,720,553 times
Reputation: 5542
So many, many things wrong with this.

Where are your husbands in all of this? If these are your SILs these are your sibilings' spouses? Holy gender roles batman!

She's 81, so I assume you and SILs are in your 50's at least. So you probably also have grown children as do some/all of your siblings. Where are they in all of this?

And your mom isn't hosting anything if you are all doing the work. Stop giving her the credit.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-27-2017, 10:57 AM
 
6,039 posts, read 6,035,274 times
Reputation: 16753
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
But watch how that guest tally suddenly shrinks when people are asked to do more than just show up and eat.
You know, one of these days I'd like to do an experiment by having everyone involved with a party like this be compelled (truth serum, if necessary) to write down what they believe their obligations are (and are not) to the event and why. Over the years I've heard whispers of reasons from various relatives that are enough to make me believe my experiment would yield some really, really, interesting results.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-27-2017, 11:10 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,381,087 times
Reputation: 115942
Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
You know, one of these days I'd like to do an experiment by having everyone involved with a party like this be compelled (truth serum, if necessary) to write down what they believe their obligations are (and are not) to the event and why. Over the years I've heard whispers of reasons from various relatives that are enough to make me believe my experiment would yield some really, really, interesting results.
OK, now you have us intrigued!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 09:00 AM.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top