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This may seem a bit immature, but my cousin and I haven’t spoken since August. At the time my brother and I were having a strained relationship, and so he told me a few things about him that I believed. At the time I wasn’t talking to my brother, and his life was just going in the wrong direction, so I believed anything bad they would tell me about him.
Well his wife came for a visit with my niece and nephew (they live abroad). I trust her word over almost anyone, because I just know her to be an honest person, and so she debunked all of the lies I was told by my cousin. I confronted my cousin by yelling at him, instead of trying to discuss things with him.
I regret the way I said thing to him, but not what I said.
The only reason I feel like reaching out is because I feel like he could have misinterpreted, my brother’s actions. I’m still upset because I know he was wrong...but Christmas is coming up and out families are getting together. My cousin and I have always been inseparable, basically best friends.
Any advice?
just to let you know, coming from a big family, you dont have to be friends with your cousin forever and ever. people marry, start new lives, the priorities change. chances are, you may only see him a few times a year, anyway.
Even though your brothers life was going in the wrong direction, it is his life and his business. no one should be talking about him, it is not cool. If you have nothing nice to say, dont say anything. Perhaps your cousin was sharing something with you, as a third party or rumor/ speculation? I could imagine if cousin is a best friend, you may have spoken bad about your brother, and he just kept the conversation going. This is what friends usually do.
His wife and kids, from abroad, are they cousins or brothers wife? and how accurate is her version of the events? She could be wrong too, only basing on rumor or speculation as well?
Just remember, family are not solid gold. whatever way you may have grown up with them, is surely changed, and you cant expect that cute agreeable kid from your past, would be the same in the present or future. As people evolve, there is always going to be something you dont agree with. If family was so genuine, you would accept them as they are, flaws and all.
So person A told you something and you over reacted, and then person B told you something and you over reacted.
How about when someone tells you something, you calmly have a conversation to get to the bottom of whatever it is, and stop going off halfcocked?
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“Hey cuz, I miss you and I really regret losing my cool with you. I get so emotional about John because I love him. I love you, too, and miss you. Pizza and beer sometime this week?”
Sometimes it can be as simple as this. Sometimes it isn’t worth all the drama.
Read the second to the last sentence in his original post: "My cousin and I have always been inseparable, basically best friends."
I just hope that the OP can have the relationship he wants. Seems like I mentioned things may never be the same. There's likely a lot more to it than we know.
Pick all the nits you like but quoting and questioning my use of "best friend" here ain't the right nit.
So what? Try reading the whole post and do some thinking. The OP was already having a difficult relationship with their brother, the cousin was aware of this, so the cousin makes up lies about the brother to make it worse.
That is not a friend.
IDK if you ever heard of the writer/poet Maya Angelou. She has a very famous quote "when people show themselves to you, believe them". The cousin showed their true colors.
You can't be that naive to think that this is the first time a friend, or relative, or "best friend" turned out to be not such the wonderful person they pretended to be.
There are people who will smile in your face, and secretly resent the hell out of you. Not because you did anything to them that was bad, you could be as kind as possible to them, but due to their own "issues" they're resentful and jealous, and really don't have your best interests at heart.
So what? Try reading the whole post and do some thinking. The OP was already having a difficult relationship with their brother, the cousin was aware of this, so the cousin makes up lies about the brother to make it worse.
That is not a friend.
IDK if you ever heard of the writer/poet Maya Angelou. She has a very famous quote "when people show themselves to you, believe them". The cousin showed their true colors.
You can't be that naive to think that this is the first time a friend, or relative, or "best friend" turned out to be not such the wonderful person they pretended to be.
There are people who will smile in your face, and secretly resent the hell out of you. Not because you did anything to them that was bad, you could be as kind as possible to them, but due to their own "issues" they're resentful and jealous, and really don't have your best interests at heart.
Oh, fer chrissake. Talk your fine advice directly to the OP then.
HE wants a relationship with his cousin. HE asked if he should proceed by talking to him. I commend him for making an attempt rather than kneejerkingly writing off the cousin. HE will make the decision, won't he? I said to go ahead and talk to him, not embrace and welcome him back without consequence.
So address yourself to him rather than condescending to and flogging me with your superior intellect.
You don't know "if you ever heard of the writer/poet Maya Angelou"? Oh goodness, I must get out from under my [naive] rock more often.
I'll put my reading comprehension up against yours any day.
Oh, fer chrissake. Talk your fine advice directly to the OP then.
HE wants a relationship with his cousin. HE asked if he should proceed by talking to him. I commend him for making an attempt rather than kneejerkingly writing off the cousin. HE will make the decision, won't he? I said to go ahead and talk to him, not embrace and welcome him back without consequence.
So address yourself to him rather than condescending to and flogging me with your superior intellect.
You don't know "if you ever heard of the writer/poet Maya Angelou"? Oh goodness, I must get out from under my [naive] rock more often.
I'll put my reading comprehension up against yours any day.
You're the one who referred to the cousin as a best friend.
I said in my first comment "OP, you can reach out to your cousin, but remember what they did. Doesn't sound like a very trustworthy or nice person who acts like that. In another words going forward I wouldn't consider them a confident or someone you can really trust".
You can have a relationship with people, however once they have shown they're not all they pretend to be, you keep that in mind.
You're the one who referred to the cousin as a best friend.
I said in my first comment "OP, you can reach out to your cousin, but remember what they did. Doesn't sound like a very trustworthy or nice person who acts like that. In another words going forward I wouldn't consider them a confident or someone you can really trust".
You can have a relationship with people, however once they have shown they're not all they pretend to be, you keep that in mind.
This is my last response to you.
I echoed the usage of "best friend" that the OP set forth in his first post. I did not create it out of thin air. If I had left out the "best" would that pass the test? (Rhetorical, don't bother.)
Isn't there someone else here to whom you'd like to deliver a smackdown? I wasn't the only one who was "naive" enough to tell him to talk it out with the cousin.
I echoed the usage of "best friend" that the OP set forth in his first post. I did not create it out of thin air. If I had left out the "best" would that pass the test? (Rhetorical, don't bother.)
Isn't there someone else here to whom you'd like to deliver a smackdown? I wasn't the only one who was "naive" enough to tell him to talk it out with the cousin.
Smackdown? Please.
I agree, I said that as well. Have a relationship with the cousin, but keep in mind the cousin added fuel to the fire by telling lies about the brother.
Cousin isn't trustworthy and not someone you want to tell too much to.
So what? Try reading the whole post and do some thinking. The OP was already having a difficult relationship with their brother, the cousin was aware of this, so the cousin makes up lies about the brother to make it worse.
That is not a friend.
IDK if you ever heard of the writer/poet Maya Angelou. She has a very famous quote "when people show themselves to you, believe them". The cousin showed their true colors.
You can't be that naive to think that this is the first time a friend, or relative, or "best friend" turned out to be not such the wonderful person they pretended to be.
There are people who will smile in your face, and secretly resent the hell out of you. Not because you did anything to them that was bad, you could be as kind as possible to them, but due to their own "issues" they're resentful and jealous, and really don't have your best interests at heart.
I agree - this is excellent advice...you can reach out, but tread carefully and don't get too close! I have had family members just like this but it did not end well. I was alleviated of guilt though because I reached out/tried on my part, and they showed who they really were...my own mother in law is like how Seain describes above and our relationship is very fake/forced because she secretly resents/jealous of her children. I can't wrap my head around it, so when holidays come I try to make peace, show up, laugh/smile, pretend for a couple hours, then keep distance rest of year.
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