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There is sometimes the added reality that everything outdoors is coated with several inches of wet ice, its sleeting, and gusting to about 40 knots. Only getting together by phone or email with my toes snug in shearling beneath new flannel PJs sounds satisfying enough to me! At times like these my enthusiasm for travel seems to lag a tiny bit .
I have to admit that I'm glad not to be traveling north this holiday season!
I sure wouldn't worry about having to post the actual dictionary definitions of the words. I honestly don't see or understand why any differences or comparisons were even brought up or challenged in that other thread in the first place and now have spread over to this thread. It actually makes me sad(or sadder) to read some of this stuff.
I get what everyone is trying to say and there is no way anyone's "degree" of any of those definitions is exactly alike and there is no way anyone can compare apples to apples in these situations. And the last thing anyone should be doing is dictating who can and cannot post in a thread on a PUBLIC forum, mind you. Seriously? Come on, anyone who is alone, lonely or a loner, etc, no matter to what degree, should be respected and appreciated as an individual for their own personal feelings and interpretations of the terms and should definitely never be chastised because of it. There are no right or wrong answers here and it definitely should not be any kind of a competition. I am frankly appalled by what I have been reading in both threads with those of you who are attacking others.
This is a subject that should bring people together and emanate nothing but empathy and compassion for each person going through and sharing their experiences which are sometimes very sensitive, not fighting over who is more alone and to what degree, blah, blah, blah. Yeeesh, come on already, this isn't grade school after all.
/end of rant, carry on!
Well, amen to this! For Pete's sake. Whoever Pete is. I don't know him - and he's not coming over for dinner on Christmas either.
This is a subject that should bring people together and emanate nothing but empathy and compassion for each person going through and sharing their experiences which are sometimes very sensitive, not fighting over who is more alone and to what degree, blah, blah, blah. Yeeesh, come on already, this isn't grade school after all.
Rinse and repeat.
You know what this reminds me of? It reminds me of a time I heard someone talking about how horrible it was to lose their child to cancer, and someone else actually popped up and said, "Well, you only lost one child - I know someone who lost all five of her kids in a house fire."
Or when someone says, "My foot is killing me," and someone else says, "Just be thankful you have a foot."
"I cried because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet." OK, that's touching - but sometimes you just need a pair of shoes.
This thread is about emotions. Like you said, emotions change. I have to admit though, it's sort of surprising to see the attention to the details of my emotions that you're displaying. I don't know whether to be touched or alarmed!
There are people who feel the need to control everything, including the thread you started so as not to intrude on theirs. Notice how many times someone rushed over here to "set the record straight."
This post right here illustrates the difference between truly being alone, and what "some people" are trying to pass off as being alone.
Families evolve. People move away. They get married and have a second family to consider. I will not see my own parents and sibs this year. That's part of life. By definition, which have been provided in abundance, a person who will have a husband, a child, and 4 grand kids at their home on Christmas, will NOT be alone for Christmas.
Altguy, I'm sorry you will be alone. I'm glad you have the comfort of your cat. I hope you find something that beings you joy in the coming year.
ETA: I don't mean to discount the hurt feelings caused by an estranged family member. That hurts, of course. That's not the same as being alone.
It's easy to say that there are other things in life besides love - UNTIL you truly have no love in your life, which renders all those other things meaningless. It's an odd phenomenon (the "living ain't livin' alone" or "if I do not have love, I am a resounding gong" syndrome), and you wouldn't think it's insurmountable given enough gumption, but it turns out it is. I've had love in the past,and I expect to have love in the future, but I now know what it's like to be without it (which many of those giving "helpful" advice don't), so I empathize. All you can do is the best you can do. There's one thing about life: it's always changing.
received a message from my son this morning. Not the estranged one but the one who is homeless on the streets of London.
It started with "I miss you mum"
I sent him some money for Christmas and he went and brought himself a new mandolin to replace the one that was smashed up earlier this year, this means he can busk in the underground out of the weather and make a little money to help him through.
I asked if he was doing ok and where he was going to be for Christmas this year, his reply was that he has a good sleeping bag and is doing ok and if he can get there he might go see his friend Dan for Christmas day.
Homelessness wasn't his choice, he has lived a 'normal life' but with no support when you are out of work he ended up on the streets, we have tried to bring him back into the family fold but 10+ years of living rough has left him somewhat dysfunctional, he lives in survival mode and finds it hard to sit back and relax.
He maintains contact by using the computers in a library, over the years I've learned not to worry when I don't hear from him for long periods of time. He's living his life his way.
I think that most people can see the truth to the statements that "we can be alone in a crowd," or that one isn't necessarily lonely when one is alone, or that there are many ways and times that one can feel alone, any time but especially during the holiday season when memories of different times, and loved ones who are not with us, can wash over us.
One of the saddest, loneliest Christmases I ever experienced was right before I filed for divorce from my now ex husband (one of the best decisions I ever made but it was incredibly hard at the time). My kids were all grown and scattered and I knew our marriage was as dead as could be. We were very active in our community, lived in a gorgeous historic home, and together we made the rounds of Christmas parties, and even hosted a big Christmas party, and on the outside we looked like we had everything anyone could want to be happy - a successful business, a beautiful home, kids successfully "launched" and a first grandchild - but I knew what I was going to do and why I was going to do it, in just a few weeks, and what the far reaching ramifications were going to be. And I couldn't tell anyone because I didn't want that drama to overshadow the holidays. I wasn't alone, but I felt very lonely.
I like the way CS Lewis puts it - I think I may have posted this already - somewhere on CD - LOL - but here it is again:
Quote:
“Joy is distinct not only from pleasure in general but even from aesthetic pleasure. It must have the stab, the pang, the inconsolable longing.” –C.S. Lewis
When I sit alone in my quiet house and contemplate the Advent candles (one lit...then two...then three...one each week leading up to Christmas Day), with the lights on the tree twinkling in the cold, dark, still night, memories of other seasons in my life often wash over me.
I often think of decorating the Christmas tree with my dad, on his December birthday, year after year. It was like his birthday in early December was the "official start" of Christmas! My mom would make hot chocolate or hot apple cider and my little brothers would be running around, and my dad and I would always put tinsel in the tree, with my mother protesting with every strand "Ugh, I hate that stuff! Go easy on it!" Christmas music in the background - my dad had one big collection on a reel to reel player and I remember it had Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, the Andrews Sisters, etc. and my dad would always, always say "I made this collection of songs when I spent Christmas away from my family in Vietnam," and I would remember that cold, dark Christmas myself. Every time I hear "Mele Kalikimaka" I smile and think of those Christmases as a child and the joy of that season. I used to lay in bed on Christmas Eve and literally pray to God (after I said, "If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take,") "Lord, I'm ready - but please don't take me till after Christmas!"
Now my dad is dead, my mom has dementia and can't remember those Christmases and often can't remember her own kids and grandkids, one brother is in a mental institution, and one is battling pancreatic cancer several states away.
Or Christmases with my passle of cousins at my grandmother's house, all of us all wadded up in those big feather beds, so excited we could barely breathe, giggling till the early hours of the morning, bounding out of bed at the crack of dawn trying to drag all the grownups into the living room, coffee going and all of them protesting, "Good grief, let us get our coffee and brush our hair!" while all us kids jumped around - then running into the cold living room (my grandmother had gas space heaters), turning on the heat in there in that "special" room, trying to find Christmas music on her antique radio (not that hard, but always a big accomplishment when we were able to zero in on a station - "THERE IT IS, THERE IT IS, RIGHT THERE!"), smelling the tantalizing scent of sausage from the kitchen but totally unable to imagine sitting down to eat breakfast when there were so many presents under the tree!
Now the cousins are scattered across the US, my grandmother is dead and gone, and the aunts and uncles are either long gone, or they are divorced (one left her kids and husband and ran off with a South American cowboy, leaving a trail of destruction and heartbroken kids behind her), or old and sick. None of that extended family lives near us. My grandmother's dear little house was sold a long time ago, and the new owners installed central heat and air. And the antique radio is sitting in a barn and hasn't worked for decades.
Christmas with my own kids - so many years of memories, I hardly know where to start! But I guess the first things that pop into my mind are our Christmases in Germany together - no one does Christmas like Germans! The snow, the German Christmas markets, the hot spiced wine, the ice sparkles literally floating in the air around the flushed faces of my kids - then the evenings around the Christmas tree as they put on little plays for us, pretending to be Santa, or the wise men or shepherds, making cookies together on Christmas Eve, baking all that day together as the kids ran in and out of the kitchen excitedly, licking beaters and intently decorating those cookies to give to their grandparents the next day or to leave for Santa that evening. Midnight mass with the kids lined up in the pew, sleepy on the way there, but fully awake when they saw the splendor of the church. Christmas morning with kids rushing in and jumping into the bed with me. Hearing them sneak into the living room, the rustle of wrapping paper, the giggles and squeals as they opened their stocking presents "quietly" (the "rule" was that they could open their stockings but couldn't wake me up till 7 am).
Now one adult child lives with her large family many states away and has often lived so far away we simply couldn't spend Christmases together since her husband is in the military. One is estranged from the family and has taken four of my grandchildren with her and won't even talk to most of us. One lives overseas, and the other two live several hours away and they both usually work the day before and the day after Christmas. So if we want to spend Christmas with any of our kids, we usually have to go where they are, which means travel for us, and Christmas in someone else's house - which is still nice, but it means that our house is usually very quiet over the holidays. And it's hit or miss - sometimes it just doesn't come together at all. It's been many years since all or even most of us were in the same room together. I don't think it will ever happen again, to be honest.
My husband has spent more Christmases away from home than at home. He also spends weeks at a time out of state, including during the holidays. Thankfully, even if he's not home on Christmas Day or Christmas Eve, he is always home for part of the holiday season and we "make merry" then - but there is something achingly lonely inside of me when he's not home on Christmas Day. I miss my boon companion!
Last year, my husband was finally home at Christmas after four years of missing every major holiday - WOOHOO, right? Wrong. I was sick as a dog with bronchitis, and my youngest daughter had just had a complete meltdown and cut our family off, taking four grandkids with her, who I was missing terribly. Her meltdown and exit had far reaching consequences that were just beginning to be felt, and several of her siblings felt torn, awkward, and angry. My dad had just died. My mother had just moved to assisted living. One brother was freaking out and suspecting my other brother and me of mishandling our dad's estate (his suspicions were unfounded but he was adding fuel to the fire). Everything was topsy turvy and generally unpleasant and sad and like I said, I was sick and coughing non stop. Ugh.
But this year hopefully will be a lot better. My youngest brother has realized he was panicking for nothing. He's acclimated to my dad's death and is doing better, though he lives several states away in a group home situation. My other brother is tolerating chemo well and fighting back, and seems in much better spirits, though we won't see each other either because he's also several states away. My mom is settled in a memory care facility and seems happier. I've managed to sort through 90 percent of the estate stuff and settled things well. Most of the adult kids have also settled down and we're back in our groove, though my younger daughter is still estranged which is an ongoing story. I miss her four children incredibly and can hardly imagine a Christmas without their sweet faces in my house. I have gotten my head around all the changes though.
And my husband will be home again for Christmas this year and my oldest daughter and her four kids are coming here for Christmas week, though we are all missing her husband, who is deployed. And we will probably see two of our adult sons even if it's just for a couple of hours on Christmas Day. So during Christmas week, the house should be full of precious faces and precious voices and I can hardly wait. I will focus on those dear faces and try not to think much about the many missing faces.
Meanwhile, all the noise and commotion is happening next week, but these weeks leading up to it have been quiet and I've spent many days and nights alone in my house. Well, with my two dogs. I've had a lot of time to think, remember, prioritize, be thankful, be wistful, miss people, honor people, and think through what I want moving forward.
I still decorate the house - I think I would do that if there truly was no one but me around. Wait - that's the way it often is for most of the holiday season, already. But I love it anyway. Yes, I do miss the noise and hullabaloo of a house full of kids or grandkids. Yes, I miss the faces of loved ones who are dead and gone, or far away. But to everything there is a season, and I'm so grateful for what and WHO I have, and for the reason for the season most of all. To me, there is something sacred to be found in the quiet, still moments.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 12-12-2017 at 10:17 AM..
I sure wouldn't worry about having to post the actual dictionary definitions of the words. I honestly don't see or understand why any differences or comparisons were even brought up or challenged in that other thread in the first place and now have spread over to this thread. It actually makes me sad(or sadder) to read some of this stuff.
I get what everyone is trying to say and there is no way anyone's "degree" of any of those definitions is exactly alike and there is no way anyone can compare apples to apples in these situations. And the last thing anyone should be doing is dictating who can and cannot post in a thread on a PUBLIC forum, mind you. Seriously? Come on, anyone who is alone, lonely or a loner, etc, no matter to what degree, should be respected and appreciated as an individual for their own personal feelings and interpretations of the terms and should definitely never be chastised because of it. There are no right or wrong answers here and it definitely should not be any kind of a competition. I am frankly appalled by what I have been reading in both threads with those of you who are attacking others.
This is a subject that should bring people together and emanate nothing but empathy and compassion for each person going through and sharing their experiences which are sometimes very sensitive, not fighting over who is more alone and to what degree, blah, blah, blah. Yeeesh, come on already, this isn't grade school after all.
/end of rant, carry on!
Amen! Sad that some of those folks have gone so far ar as to accuse others who may not meet their arbitrary criteria for claiming "alone, alone, really really alone" status, of rudeness for posting on "their" thread, as though it was a private sandbox in a fenced in back yard instead of a public forum. But it's perfectly ok, having told a poster to "stay off my thread", in so many words, to invade another thread begun by that poster on the same topic (which IS a universal experience regardless of one's status and relationships in life) to continue their same silly argument. Not that doing so is verboten, of course it IS a public forum, but one might wonder at the irony at being so offended at behaviour in which they, themselves, are perfectly willing to engage. Rhetorical musing, of course.
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