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I'm happily married with grown children. We all spent Thanksgiving together and will do the same Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Yet, I do feel a loneliness this year. In this past year, I've lost both of my parents, along with someone I loved very much who unexpectedly left this earth way too soon. That one still hurts so much I can't wrap my mind around what happened.
It doesn't help that I've had two surgeries this year, and now my husband is having health issues. I don't want to be "that person" who drags down every conversation with her tale of woe, so other than briefly acknowledging what a terrible year it's been, I don't talk about my troubles with anyone. So yeah, definitely feeling alone in many ways.
Don't feel bad. I've found recently that everyone has issues. I thought that people with kids, spouses etc were supposed to be happy - nope. Quite the opposite. Makes me sad in a way because I have neither so what hope is there for me? But then I refuse to be like them - even if I have to force myself.
Lots of health issues around here too but talking about them, showing concern I think helps.
I don't think talking about your troubles is bad - just shows you are human - maybe the others want to do the same but feel they have to put up some façade?
Don't feel bad. I've found recently that everyone has issues. I thought that people with kids, spouses etc were supposed to be happy - nope. Quite the opposite. Makes me sad in a way because I have neither so what hope is there for me? But then I refuse to be like them - even if I have to force myself.
Lots of health issues around here too but talking about them, showing concern I think helps.
I don't think talking about your troubles is bad - just shows you are human - maybe the others want to do the same but feel they have to put up some façade?
I totally agree with this.
I got so put out yesterday because there is a similar thread on the Retirement section asking if anyone is alone, "really alone" during the holidays and I responded that for most of December, yes, I am "really alone" in my house most of the time - a house that used to be brimming with youthful exuberance, kids everywhere, living and vibrant parents, etc. My kids are all scattered and my husband works out of state for weeks at a time, and I no longer work outside the home, so consequently I spend a lot of time alone in a quiet house -and i do miss people who are no longer here, or no longer with us on this earth. I especially miss my dad who just died a year ago.
Well, apparently, I'm not "really" alone, because I have living kids, a mother who is still alive (as I explained, she has DEMENTIA and it's pretty far progressed and she lives in a facility), and I got REAMED on that thread because I had the nerve to say I was alone for the holidays.
Um, I thought "alone" meant alone in a quiet house for weeks on end. Sure, I have some friends, and sure I have people I can call but I have to make the effort - no one is beating down my door wanting to relieve me of my loneliness.
Don't get me wrong - I am not going to be "alone" on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I will have my daughter and her family here. I can and will go visit my mom. My husband will FINALLY be home a few days before Christmas. But I still miss my brothers (they live far away and one is battling cancer), my dad whom I was very close to, my estranged daughter and her kids, my son who lives overseas, my other two sons who work full time in Austin and can't generally come for more than one day, and my mother because as anyone whose dealt with dementia knows, she's gone for the most part.
And my husband and I have spent more holidays apart than together. Even when I have family around, I miss him terribly when he's not here.
Like you said, everyone has issues, and it's OK to feel pensive or melancholy from time to time. And to express it.
I think this is a good reminder not to just assume everyone is jolly and happy during the holidays, even if they have family around. Actually, last Christmas was absolutely the worst Christmas of my life and I had family around - but my dad had just died and everyone was raw and weird and it was PATHETIC. So there you have it.
My grandmother died and I left rather than become the new matriarch and try to hold the family together. I could have stayed, but the life I wanted was not possible in my hometown. I realize now that it was largely because of my parents - there was simply too much baggage (of entirely different kinds) for me to stay where I was. So I rebuilt my life 1,800 miles away and left behind my beloved cousins and my closest friends. Ironically, I moved my father out here to be with me as his dementia worsened and he lives in assisted living less than a mile away.
Thanksgiving was me and a guy who has become like a brother to me, joined by my father. We stuffed our faces and called it good. I had a nice time. For Christmas... I dunno.
My holidays used to center around my cousins and later their children right before I left, and celebrations with my closest friends. It's quieter now. I don't feel lonely except when I join other people's families for the holidays. Then I feel a little lonely because the people closest to me aren't there and I'm reminded of how an era has passed in my life. I'm in exile, in a way. But mostly, when I'm in control of the day, I just appreciate the day off and the chance to sleep in and be a slug, lol.
I am alone but I will only feel alone if I let those thoughts happen.
I have learned to be alone and I like it. I would rather have my family around me but they are too far away. Oh well.
My office closes for two weeks on Christmas and I will probably be alone the whole time. I may go on some road trips or just hang around the house and do me. I am looking forward to some quiet time.
I have some prospects hanging in there for some dates but not sure yet if anything works out. Don't really care too much either way. Right now alone time sounds more tempting than working on building something new with anyone.
I got so put out yesterday because there is a similar thread on the Retirement section asking if anyone is alone, "really alone" during the holidays and I responded that for most of December, yes, I am "really alone" in my house most of the time - a house that used to be brimming with youthful exuberance, kids everywhere, living and vibrant parents, etc. My kids are all scattered and my husband works out of state for weeks at a time, and I no longer work outside the home, so consequently I spend a lot of time alone in a quiet house -and i do miss people who are no longer here, or no longer with us on this earth. I especially miss my dad who just died a year ago.
Well, apparently, I'm not "really" alone, because I have living kids, a mother who is still alive (as I explained, she has DEMENTIA and it's pretty far progressed and she lives in a facility), and I got REAMED on that thread because I had the nerve to say I was alone for the holidays.
Um, I thought "alone" meant alone in a quiet house for weeks on end. Sure, I have some friends, and sure I have people I can call but I have to make the effort - no one is beating down my door wanting to relieve me of my loneliness.
Don't get me wrong - I am not going to be "alone" on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I will have my daughter and her family here. I can and will go visit my mom. My husband will FINALLY be home a few days before Christmas. But I still miss my brothers (they live far away and one is battling cancer), my dad whom I was very close to, my estranged daughter and her kids, my son who lives overseas, my other two sons who work full time in Austin and can't generally come for more than one day, and my mother because as anyone whose dealt with dementia knows, she's gone for the most part.
And my husband and I have spent more holidays apart than together. Even when I have family around, I miss him terribly when he's not here.
Like you said, everyone has issues, and it's OK to feel pensive or melancholy from time to time. And to express it.
I think this is a good reminder not to just assume everyone is jolly and happy during the holidays, even if they have family around. Actually, last Christmas was absolutely the worst Christmas of my life and I had family around - but my dad had just died and everyone was raw and weird and it was PATHETIC. So there you have it.
As I explained several times on that thread (and also last year, when we had this same discussion): I was directing that post to those who are ALONE IN THEIR LIVES, 365, 24/7; not merely alone on those days. I'm glad you started another thread of your own, because your situation is really not applicable/comparable.
As I explained several times on that thread (and also last year, when we had this same discussion): I was directing that post to those who are ALONE IN THEIR LIVES, 365, 24/7; not merely alone on those days. I'm glad you started another thread of your own, because your situation is really not applicable/comparable.
Happy holidays!
Well, thanks for coming over here and pointing that out. I think the OP of this thread COMPLETELY understands your point.
As I explained several times on that thread (and also last year, when we had this same discussion): I was directing that post to those who are ALONE IN THEIR LIVES, 365, 24/7; not merely alone on those days. I'm glad you started another thread of your own, because your situation is really not applicable/comparable.
Happy holidays!
Happy holidays back atcha.
By the way, I didn't even notice who the OP was of your thread this year. If I had noticed, I probably wouldn't have participated. I know I am very much alone for much of the holiday season, and I mistakenly thought that being alone during the holidays was the topic of your thread. So no worries, I won't bother you again.
It was never my intention to disrupt the other thread or to insult or bother anyone. I thought I was just joining in an open conversation about being alone during the holiday season, and I spend a lot of the holiday season very much alone.
As others have pointed out, there are many different forms of being alone, and not all of them make a person "lonely." I'd say that the definition of being alone is - well, being alone.
I sort of enjoy the pensive, melancholy feel of being alone in the house during the Advent season. Now - last year we had just seen everyone for my dad's funeral, and everyone was pretty down anyway, so we didn't get together with adult kids at all. Instead, we traveled to see my husband's brother and sister in law for the day.
Honestly, I know they tried and I appreciated the gesture, but I was still very lonely and sad and it didn't feel like Christmas to me at all. I am curious to see how this year differs.
So far, I haven't been depressed at all, but I also haven't been playing Christmas music like I usually do, and though the house is decorated, I'm sort of "flat" about it. Not depressed, just not "into it" if that makes sense.
I also did not put up the big Christmas tree with heirloom ornaments on it - I just don't feel any joy in those and I wonder if that's bad? I wonder if it's something I need to address, but honestly, since I don't feel sad I think "Why worry about it?"
I'm totally feeling the whole "new era" of Christmas coming down on me - new traditions (or no traditions), new ideas, new decorations, etc. Maybe we will travel next year, who knows? I mean, to some place like a foreign country or something, not just to see extended family. Maybe my husband and I will just stay home and have a little Christmas together ourselves.
One thing I can't see myself doing at this stage in my life is spending Christmas Day truly alone. I am pretty extroverted. So I probably won't hit that stage for many years to come. Maybe never. I think that if I am alone (as I have been several times due to my husband's work schedule) I will travel to see family somewhere. Or at the very least, I will FIND someone I know to visit - when people find out you're alone, they often extend invitations and I think I would take someone up on that.
But meanwhile, in all those quiet evenings leading up to Christmas, I am alone most of the time, and I don't mind it at all. In fact, I like it.
I'm happily married with grown children. We all spent Thanksgiving together and will do the same Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Yet, I do feel a loneliness this year. In this past year, I've lost both of my parents, along with someone I loved very much who unexpectedly left this earth way too soon. That one still hurts so much I can't wrap my mind around what happened.
It doesn't help that I've had two surgeries this year, and now my husband is having health issues. I don't want to be "that person" who drags down every conversation with her tale of woe, so other than briefly acknowledging what a terrible year it's been, I don't talk about my troubles with anyone. So yeah, definitely feeling alone in many ways.
Look, I'm estranged from my mother and part of it is that I simply get burnt out on her drama - her tales of woe and general negativity are always driving the conversation. But please don't tamp down on your troubles with your close friends and family entirely. They WANT to know and they want to know how to help. I have a bunch of friends with depression issues and have anxiety/depression myself - I know I can vent to them and then they'll check back in with me. My ex-roommate and I do mood checks with each other practically every day right now, and yesterday I stopped by her house to bring her some chocolate because I knew she was sad. (Ok, yeah, we enable each other... don't judge us! LOL)
Please let your friends and your family know you're struggling. You're not going to bring them down or drive them away. I've pushed people away when I was having a hard time and it really hurt their feelings and stressed them out.
There is nothing worse than finding out a loved one has been having a hard time and you haven't noticed. And there's no point in denying yourself the comfort your personal relationships could provide to you. I've benefited greatly from people in my life who have had the wisdom to reach out to me when I was floundering, and I've had the privilege to do that for the people I care about when I've seen the pattern. I'm kind of obtuse and I feel like a ******* when I miss the signs. The people who care about you truly do want to know what's bringing you down - as long as you're not blatantly wallowing or refusing to take the obvious steps to pull yourself out of the rut, your friends are not going to get burned out on your problems.
Speaking as someone who's benefited from others reaching out to me, I know it helps. And speaking as a friend, there is nothing more painful than knowing you've had a friend who was suffering in silence when you would have happily spent some time listening or helping them out.
No. Even though my parents and grandparents are deceased, I spent this past Thanksgiving with friends' families. Will do the same on Christmas.
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