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Close friends or family can get away with saying things like that as long they can take as good as they give. If it were someone that I didnt know well or if it were just an acquaintance then I'd be offended.
I'd just tell him that making personal comments is not helpful but actually harmful to your relationship and distracts from enjoying each other's company.
This.
My mom is naturally tall and thin, with long slim (well, now skinny) arms and legs. She's taller than me and built slimmer than me. She also had a voracious appetite when she was younger and could eat like a pig and never gain weight. My dad on the other hand, fought weight gain his entire life - somewhat successfully but it was always a struggle for him.
I am like his side of the family - weight control is possible but we are never going to be slim. We are "sturdy peasant stock" and considering that my health is excellent, I just don't worry about it much and focus on maintaining my health.
But my weight does tend to fluctuate, as my dad's did, about 15 or 20 pounds one way or the other. Since I'm tall, it's noticeable but not THAT noticeable - and like I said, I'm healthy and I feel good so I'm not freaked out about it.
A few years ago, my mom decided that my brother and I were too fat, and she was going to campaign against this. She had successfully "lost weight" (eight pounds) just before a 20 year class reunion a few years earlier, so she felt like she was an expert on weight loss and weight management and by golly, she was going to tutor my brother and me.
So she began saying, "My, you've put on some weight," or (my personal favorite) "Do you REALLY need that roll?" or that sort of thing.
She'd follow it up with, "I had to lose weight once and it was difficult but I did it! You can too!"
I tried to ignore it for a long time but doggone it, I got tired of hearing it. So one day I said, "Oh my gosh, Mom - are you serious? I'VE GAINED WEIGHT? WOW, I HADN'T NOTICED. THANK YOU so much for pointing that out." She stood there with her mouth gaping and I said, "Ok, for real. Stop pointing this out. I know I've gained weight. You're not helping me. In fact, you're pissing me off. Quit saying that sort of thing or I'll just get up and leave when you say it - or tell you to get out of my house."
She knew I meant that because I'd had to employ that tactic before when she said other useless, inflammatory, insulting things to me.
To her credit, she actually never has said another word about my weight. So apparently it worked.
My dad grew up attending Catholic, private schools and in third grade this psychotic nun chose him as her object of bullying, humiliation, and wrath. Several mornings a week, she would force him to lift up his shirt and she would smack his belly with a ruler telling the class that if you don't try hard in school you'll end up like lazy, fat him. She would go on saying that he would likely end up a garbage collector someday. So my dad has had this lifelong strong aversion to being overweight, and to this day, in his older years he works out religiously. He has a habit that I don't think he's that aware of to comment on weight when he first sees a close family member he hasn't seen in awhile. Generally, his token greeting is, 'You look great. Have you lost weight?' If you've gained weight, he will often study you from head to toe, and then kind of grimace, and ask you at some point later in the day if you are still working out or going to the gym. He may invite you to go jogging with him during the visit. He will also insert dieting tidbits like things he's read or heard on the news, and not so subtle hints about ways to reduce calories. It's like a compulsion with him. He was traumatized by being an overweight kid, and doesn't want anyone close to him being overweight either. It can definitely be annoying, and I think everyone in the family has been the target of his scrutiny, and not so subtle attempts to let you know you need to work out and lose a few.
What would you do if family members made jokes about weight gain?
Want the band-aid or the fix?
The fix is to do yourself the favor of getting on a full time diet that works ("special" diets over the short haul don't help anything but an already over-paid industry). You'll stabilize your weight and the comments will stop. I say this as someone who was nearly 300lbs at the heaviest (I'm 6'4" and 220 now, have been for about 15 years now).
The band-aid is to simply stand up and say "that kind of comment only hurts our relationship. Are you doing it intentionally or have you never realized that there's zero benefit?" Put him on the spot between saying he was clueless or willfully trying to hurt you. It should only take gathering the courage to say it once. Won't change the thoughts or feelings and those will eventually come out in new and interesting ways, so just be prepared to get to deal with in some other way.
Regardless of whether or not the OP loses weight, the impetus of certain people to make hurtful comments is still going to be there, so to me the "bandaid" is losing weight and the real fix is establishing healthy boundaries.
Both are valid actions to take however. But I think a healthy boundary is the first step.
There's an old saying.... "Friends tell you what you want to hear, BEST friends tell you what you NEED to hear". Instead of wondering "why Daddy is so mean to me", why not face the facts. 6'3" and 260 is WAY overweight. Try Nutrisystem, it worked for me. At 6' even, I went from 223 to 192 and it was as easy as pie. My friends were all delighted. They would say things like, " I was getting a bit worried about you, but I didn't want to say anything". Your Dad might be a bit brazen in his comments, but TRUST ME, everyone you know is thinking the same thing.
Dad is overweight. And Dad is making JOKES about the OP's weight. Dad needs to be checked.
OP, have you tried to sit down with dad and tell him very seriously that you do not want or need his comments about your weight and that whatever he's trying to do, it's not helping you in any way? If you have a good relationship with your dad, then he should be able to understand this and respect your position on it.
Also, don't joke back to him about his weight or he's likely to think this is just some sort of harmless back and forth. Instead of joking back, just say, "Dad. I've told you this before - I don't want or need your commentary on my weight, and I find it pretty hypocritical actually, so drop the subject or I'm going to cut our visit short. Let's not offend each other."
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 12-03-2017 at 01:18 PM..
There's an old saying.... "Friends tell you what you want to hear, BEST friends tell you what you NEED to hear". Instead of wondering "why Daddy is so mean to me", why not face the facts. 6'3" and 260 is WAY overweight. Try Nutrisystem, it worked for me. At 6' even, I went from 223 to 192 and it was as easy as pie. My friends were all delighted. They would say things like, " I was getting a bit worried about you, but I didn't want to say anything". Your Dad might be a bit brazen in his comments, but TRUST ME, everyone you know is thinking the same thing.
I'll bet all your friends LOVE your candor...especially given how easily you lost weight - why'd you ever gain it, anyway?! How many of your friends jumped your a$$ about the weight and was that really your motivation? Right - none - they only complimented you after you'd lost it - they weren't really your friends, then? BTW, 25 pounds isn't much of a challenge, especially for a 6' guy.
My dad will be visiting me next week and I have probably gained about 25 pounds since I saw him last, in part due to some new medicine I am on but part of it is eating too much sugar, I think. I have struggled with my weight for the past several years and everytime I go to visit him or he comes to see me, he will make some type of comment about my weight. My weight goes up and down all the time. I'm 6'3 262 right now. My dad weighs a little more than me and he is like 3 inches shorter than me so he really can't talk about someone's weight.
He will say something like, "so you have picked up a little bit of weight, huh?" or one time when I was home visiting we went to the mall, and he laughed and said "you don't need to shop for anymore clothes til you lose some weight".
There are other jokes he has made similar to that as well and I usually tell him he shouldn't talk **** because his belly is bigger than mine or I will tell him that he is starting to get on my nerves and usually he will just laugh.
What would you do if family members made jokes about weight gain? I can't cut my dad off nor do I want to...otherwise we have a great relationship
I know it can be hurtful, but they are family and they may be concerned that you will continue to put on weight, the more you put on as you know the harder it is take off.
Was in Ireland and the UK for three weeks in October, I noticed this visit and on other visits you don't see a lot of obese people like we have in the US.
I live in Southern CA which is more health conscious than other places, and when I came back it's even more noticeable. Young people in their teens and 20s and they're huge.
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BTW, 25 pounds isn't much of a challenge, especially for a 6' guy.
