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His memories of her from when he was a child are mostly of him being a bit of a wild child and she being very strict and stern.
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However, he still feels guilty for not have made more of an effort but from what I understand, she was not the nicest grandma or so that's what he remembers so I can see why he didn't make more of an effort to be close to her as he got older.
Perhaps just acknowledging that his behavior set the tone for their relationship and a private apology to her via prayer/message in a bottle/blog?
Perhaps just acknowledging that his behavior set the tone for their relationship and a private apology to her via prayer/message in a bottle/blog?
I don't think he did anything wrong, honestly. It is hard to create a bond that was not formed as a child with a grandparent. As I noted, she saw him as a bit of a wild child but he was never rude. Mostly just hyper and didn't conform to what the rest of the cousins were. He lived in a different city. I don't think he owes anyone an apology. He doesn't need to apologize for not having as strong of a relationship with his grandmother as his cousins did. I think he needs to let go of that guilt and he can love her and miss her but he must not feel guilty for not having a bond. That was just as much her responsibility as it was his.
He doesn't have to spin any stories. He should only make a speech if he wants to. Sheesh, why should he twist himself into a pretzel just to please other people in the family?
I think perhaps, underneath it all, he's also mourning the sense of family connection, which he feels should have been stronger. I feel that way sometimes. I'm a genealogist and when I started getting in touch with branches of my family I knew nothing about, it made me a bit mournful. My family could've very easily connected and fostered friendships with one branch in particular because they lived very close to us. But my mother didn't encourage that, as she had her issues, so we'd only visited them once or twice when I was very young.
I didn't remember meeting them at all until much later when I "discovered" them in my 30's and they were basically strangers. My recollection of being at their house when I was 7 years old is just a few very vague and fleeting pictures in my mind. Those cousins are the same ages my sibling and I are, and also very nice - so, it would've been great to know them while I was growing up, but we missed out on that. Now that I'm much older, it's harder to connect with them since I live farther away and we have no shared memories together.
I don't think he did anything wrong, honestly. It is hard to create a bond that was not formed as a child with a grandparent. As I noted, she saw him as a bit of a wild child but he was never rude. Mostly just hyper and didn't conform to what the rest of the cousins were. He lived in a different city. I don't think he owes anyone an apology. He doesn't need to apologize for not having as strong of a relationship with his grandmother as his cousins did. I think he needs to let go of that guilt and he can love her and miss her but he must not feel guilty for not having a bond. That was just as much her responsibility as it was his.
I completely agree with you.
Please tell your husband that another stranger on the internet says not to blame himself for what was not possible nor to let anyone else try to guilt him.
I really don't think it's necessary for him to go through some kind of public self-flagellation just because he was the grandchild who didn't mesh with his grandmother and was a bit of a brat when he was a child. Not everyone clicks. And unless she was completely incapacitated, she also had years to try to get closer to him. It sounds like lack of proximity was really the main issue.
My grandmother and I were like oil and water, but we both worked hard at building and cultivating our relationship over the years. I'd take her to dinner from time to time and also escort her on occasion to bingo and she'd invite me to my favorite meal at her house where it was just the two of us and we'd drink tea and play cards late into the evening, and usually have at least one catty exchange. And I was her problem solver - I was the one who devised a system of rolling office chairs for her to maneuver through her house when she cut her foot and wasn't supposed to put weight on it for a week, and other stuff like that. If I had not lived 10 minutes down the road, we probably wouldn't have been very close. Certainly, I was not the closest of her grandchildren even with the proximity.
He does not have to discuss their relationship or their lack thereof. And he does not need to confess anything about their level of closeness. He can just make it specifically about her and who she was. If he wants to talk about his guilt and feelings of having missed out, he can discuss that in private with the people he feels can counsel him or would understand.
My opinion is based on the OP....Not my own experiences. I certainly didn't say that he should humiliate himself.
There are ways for him to work through the guilt that the OP says he feels.
My opinion is based on the OP....Not my own experiences. I certainly didn't say that he should humiliate himself.
There are ways for him to work through the guilt that the OP says he feels.............
hmmmmm, that's deep
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