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I had an older cousin like this - we basically grew up together. When we were younger - I thought she was so cool and smart and . . .just wanted to be more like her.
But as we got older, I began to feel that I was always the one who wanted to get together; organizing the events; etc.
Our entire extended family had always revolved around her; never sure why.
Anyhoo, she never failed to lord it over me as adults - her husband was wealthy; they lived in a bigger house in a better neighborhood, etc.
Time passed and circumstances leveled the playing field. I moved 4 hours away for my job and still love her but it's different. Granted, it's normally me who visits my hometown but I haven't been home for the holidays in two years and don't feel one whit of guilt or regret. We went on vacation together this summer and had a great time - meeting at the beach.
It just is what it is.
A little distance made all the difference. If we still lived in the same hometown; we would still be living out our childhood roles.
Edit: My advice is - let some distance go between you. Don't be at her beck and call. YOU have a family and she does not. Naturally, she has more free time. If you are busy and can't hang out - you can't and she will just have to get over it. I agree that reading some books on setting boundaries can be very helpful. It doesn't have to ruin your relationship - unless she cannot handle your 'roles' being changed up a bit.
This was heartening, Ringo. I will be distancing myself for quite some time, but maybe down the road if things change, I won't have to completely shut the door. But I need to do some self-work before I can maybe open that door again so I have those emotional boundaries set in place. She does have a family, a baby and husband. She never liked spending time at home and doesn't really spend lots of time with her husband, so I've been her go-to. Thank you for the comment.
Speaking from experience, relationships change. At the end of the day, she's your sister. We've lost our brothers, and there's just us and my husband. The relationship with my son and his wife are rocky. Our grandkids are young.
My advice is to accept the way things are with her. Love her, but change the relationship. Don't see her so often. The fact that you get up several times to get things for her is YOUR problem as much as it is hers. Once, OK. After that...why?
Whatever you call this, it's co-dependent. That's unhealthy.
Hi, Laguna, thanks for putting it this way and sharing a little of your own experience. What you said is right; I will love her, always. But distance is needed. Co-dependent, never thought of it like this, but you may very well be right. Whatever the label, it has been unhealthy on both our parts. It's time for a change that I'm ready to make.
Your sister sounds like an extremely immature, petty control freak.
My sister did many similar behaviors for decades. I never tried to embarrass her in public, but one of her favorite tricks was to bring up a very ancient event, obviously designed to embarrass me, one-up me, time and time again.
She also has an explosive disorder, or a hot temper if you prefer. She once created a big yelling scene in a restaurant when my new bride and I were visiting her. She wanted us to do things she thought we should do. "I just want you to have fun!" she yelled.
We never visited her again. In retrospect, we should've packed our bags and left the next day.
The final straw was when she asked me about a photo she'd posted on facebook or somewhere like that. I said I've seen better. For my honesty she blew up, screamed and yelled and said "All you want to do is be mean to me!"
I finally hung up on her. We've not spoken on the phone since.
I sent her an email a few days after that last conversation. I gave her a few chapters and verses of her aberrant behavior. Including one huge temper tantrum scene she made just after our mother died. I almost said MY mother, because my sister had little respect or use for my parents. After they sent her to a very expensive college.
There are many chapters and many verses. She used to make fun of our father and say he had no insight. He was a very bright guy and no doubt had far more insight than she could perceive.
I closed my email by explaining that she has no insight.
She never responded to that direct message and explanation.
Your sister is unlikely to change. SHE is toxic. She is unstable.
Hi, Dwatted, I appreciate you sharing your story and found a lot of the incidents you described happened with your family member also has happened with mine, just in a little bit of a different context. I'm sorry you've had to go through that. You had the courage to just put a stop to it. This is encouraging. Others have put their foot down with family, I have that right to. Thank you for responding to my post.
When I bring my sister around my friends, she'll make remarks about me, maybe about my appearance or some of my mannerisms. I'm used to it from her, she likes to have a go at me. But on quite a few occasions, she'd say something about me and I'd laugh it off but inside I'd feel really embarrassed, almost like I wanted to cry. I know she'd say it jokingly so I'm not sure why it gets me upset like that. On more than one occasion, my friends or partner would ask her to stop. I always smile after her remarks, so I don't think they knew I was upset inside. But it's something I've taken notice to more often.
My exh did this to me all the time. It was such a part of the scenery that I didn't really understand what was happening. Just figured he like teasing me.
Once at a retail job, one of my co-workers finally exclaimed "He's your HUSBAND?!" after he walked out. She figured the way he bantered with me, he was just an annoying customer that I tolerated. She was completely flustered but actually managed to spit out that she found our exchanges even more disturbing now that she knew we were married.
I found other things out after we divorced. Specific incidents where I was told one thing but something completely different happened after I left the room.
I'm much happier without him. To this day I do not like people who think they are funny at my expense. And get this - my brother is one. When I was married they would often gang up on me. Everything's a joke, everything's funny. Yeah, it's really not.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's hard when it's family.
Build a life that includes little time for your sister. Your responsibilities are you and your child. It might help to see a counselor to get tips on how to do this. Stay strong.
My exh did this to me all the time. It was such a part of the scenery that I didn't really understand what was happening. Just figured he like teasing me.
Once at a retail job, one of my co-workers finally exclaimed "He's your HUSBAND?!" after he walked out. She figured the way he bantered with me, he was just an annoying customer that I tolerated. She was completely flustered but actually managed to spit out that she found our exchanges even more disturbing now that she knew we were married.
I found other things out after we divorced. Specific incidents where I was told one thing but something completely different happened after I left the room.
I'm much happier without him. To this day I do not like people who think they are funny at my expense. And get this - my brother is one. When I was married they would often gang up on me. Everything's a joke, everything's funny. Yeah, it's really not.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's hard when it's family.
How awful Thank you for sharing your story, Wouldloveto. Hearing how you and others have experienced very similar situations and were able to deal with them in a way that led to a healthier life has been encouraging.
Siblings grow up together, talk smack, experiment and figure out life in their junior years. we will push boundaries and test limits, and see how far we can go, during developmental years. That ends when we reach 18 years of age.
Once siblings marry, and start their own families, siblings forget to change into their big people pants. siblings forget to mind their own business, to be respectful and act maturely, to watch what they say and do. It is good your husband has stood up to her, since you cant. Do not ever worry about rocking the boat or hurting your sisters feelings. It is her responsibility to act right and respectful. If she is out of line, you do not have to play nice to keep the peace. Never let her embarrass you in front of your family again!
As for her visiting your inlaws, she should be visiting her own. They are not there for her to visit, unless she is coming along with you. As far as telling your old friends, or anyone else your business, she really needs to shut up. You are not asking for much, and if she does not like it, too bad! you do realize you do not owe her nothing, nor do you have to be friends with her. dont even let her try to pull a family is first card with you, because the only one that comes first is your husband and kids. she can pick a place in line after your parents.
another thing, on the "i am family "topic, family should not be the ones pointing a finger at your flaws, putting you down, talking behind your back, acting like a bully, like if you should be ok with CRAP. They should not be interfering in your life or happiness. walking like a black cloud over your day! If your husband and friends can see you get stepped on, that is so embarrassing. To imagine all the blood sweat and tears, you and your family puts in , to have a home and life on your terms, only to have Missy come around and mix it up.
confrontation is good, healthy. you need to get it out. some therapy would be useful in situations like this, not only for her, but for anyone else that dares try the same thing. most people try to let things sly, and not make it bigger than it is, but if a big wave is already forming, you cant just stand there and let it knock you over.
the less you share the better, always. She does not need to know finances, problems, personal stuffs, it aint her business, she is not the professional for advice. You dont need to see her every day/week/month , nor do you have to call in frequently. distance is supposed to happen. there is nothing wrong with having a extended family dinner once in a while. you need to learn to say no, and she needs to accept it.
I have been through the ropes a few times, and looking back, allowing comments, listening to "i dont like this" and actually caring. I have come to realize my siblings need to care about their own business, and stay out of mine. It got to a point where I allowed outside opinion run my life, when it should have been only me and my wifes opinion that mattered. I also permitted relatives to get slick with the tongue, when I should have pumped my chest in their faces. All that time, avoiding the confrontation, so they can be comfortable acting like immature fools. I live and think better now, staying away from people like that. My life , my terms, those that visit should behave well enough if they want to be invited back. No pressure.
Build a life that includes little time for your sister. Your responsibilities are you and your child. It might help to see a counselor to get tips on how to do this. Stay strong.
Hi, historyfan, thank you for the advice. It's Day 2 of no communication with her, and even after 2 days, I can feel the difference, a weight that feels like it's getting lighter.
Siblings grow up together, talk smack, experiment and figure out life in their junior years. we will push boundaries and test limits, and see how far we can go, during developmental years. That ends when we reach 18 years of age.
Once siblings marry, and start their own families, siblings forget to change into their big people pants. siblings forget to mind their own business, to be respectful and act maturely, to watch what they say and do. It is good your husband has stood up to her, since you cant. Do not ever worry about rocking the boat or hurting your sisters feelings. It is her responsibility to act right and respectful. If she is out of line, you do not have to play nice to keep the peace. Never let her embarrass you in front of your family again!
As for her visiting your inlaws, she should be visiting her own. They are not there for her to visit, unless she is coming along with you. As far as telling your old friends, or anyone else your business, she really needs to shut up. You are not asking for much, and if she does not like it, too bad! you do realize you do not owe her nothing, nor do you have to be friends with her. dont even let her try to pull a family is first card with you, because the only one that comes first is your husband and kids. she can pick a place in line after your parents.
another thing, on the "i am family "topic, family should not be the ones pointing a finger at your flaws, putting you down, talking behind your back, acting like a bully, like if you should be ok with CRAP. They should not be interfering in your life or happiness. walking like a black cloud over your day! If your husband and friends can see you get stepped on, that is so embarrassing. To imagine all the blood sweat and tears, you and your family puts in , to have a home and life on your terms, only to have Missy come around and mix it up.
confrontation is good, healthy. you need to get it out. some therapy would be useful in situations like this, not only for her, but for anyone else that dares try the same thing. most people try to let things sly, and not make it bigger than it is, but if a big wave is already forming, you cant just stand there and let it knock you over.
the less you share the better, always. She does not need to know finances, problems, personal stuffs, it aint her business, she is not the professional for advice. You dont need to see her every day/week/month , nor do you have to call in frequently. distance is supposed to happen. there is nothing wrong with having a extended family dinner once in a while. you need to learn to say no, and she needs to accept it.
I have been through the ropes a few times, and looking back, allowing comments, listening to "i dont like this" and actually caring. I have come to realize my siblings need to care about their own business, and stay out of mine. It got to a point where I allowed outside opinion run my life, when it should have been only me and my wifes opinion that mattered. I also permitted relatives to get slick with the tongue, when I should have pumped my chest in their faces. All that time, avoiding the confrontation, so they can be comfortable acting like immature fools. I live and think better now, staying away from people like that. My life , my terms, those that visit should behave well enough if they want to be invited back. No pressure.
Kapi, thank you for taking the time to type all that out for a stranger. I read through it twice. You've made plenty of good points. I can completely relate to when you said that at one point, you were letting outside opinion run your life. When it's family, it's easy to second guess yourself about what's appropriate and what's crossing the line sometimes. But you're right, 'family' shouldn't be a free pass to treat someone without respect. Without realizing it, seeing her every weekend or here and there throughout the week had become more of an obligation than a desire to spend time with my sister. I'm not obligated, I never was; I wish I would've had this mindset a long time ago, but sometimes it takes a stranger to tell you how it is for you to wake up.
Your sister’s phrase family comes first works both ways, she should be putting you first too and she isn’t. She’s putting her own nefarious agenda ahead of everything by the sound of it. I’m sure there is a very unfortunate reason behind all of this, but that is for her to figure out and fix, not you. You have a family of your own now, and if you need to, you can tell her that you’re taking her advice and putting them first. I’m glad that your friends and partner are being supportive of you. It sounds like you have good people around you. Keep it that way.
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Thank you for sharing your story, Wouldloveto. Hearing how you and others have experienced very similar situations and were able to deal with them in a way that led to a healthier life has been encouraging.
