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I've lived with this dynamic from certain family members, and I've never understood whats going on here, so now I'm asking.... for people that get this same thing, or maybe people who do this themselves...
I have 2 family members, my mom and an aunt, who love to hear from me but they never initiate the call themselves.
With my mom, I always, I mean ALWAYS am the one to call her, but she never calls me. I don't call that often, maybe once every 2 weeks or so. We have a nice long conversation and it all seems good. But then she will never reciprocate contact. I asked her why she is never the one that calls me and her reply was "I don't have to call people because THEY call ME. Hmmm. I told her that it feels like she doesn't really want to talk to me because she never calls me first.
Once I decided to just wait it out and see if or when she would ever call me. She never did. I had to call her. What??? I told her her that it feels pretty offensive and feels like she really doesn't want to talk to me or she would CALL. What the heck is going on here?
Many years ago when I went through a divorce, I borrowed some moving boxes from her since I was having to move to a new location because of the divorce. Well I didn't return the boxes and I didn't hear from her for 5 years. FIVE YEARS. Over moving boxes? I don't think so. I guess I just discarded the boxes after the move (I must have tossed them, I really don't remember and she never asked me to return them afterward). Maybe that was my mistake? But 5 years of silence because of that? I had enough to deal with at that time but she never checked on me that whole time to see how I was or if I needed anything. Finally after 5 years of silence, I called her to initiated contact. Later she apologized and said she didn't know why she did that. Ummm... okay.
I have an aunt that I hadn't talked to in many years and recently called her and we had a very lovely conversation and it felt good to be reconnected to her. A couple of months go by and I never hear from her. But then I get a Christmas card that say, after the Merry Xmas stuff, she wrote at the bottom "Call me some time". Okay. So here we go again. I have to be the one to call her. I see that I"ll never hear from her unless I call HER.
What is up with this dynamic?? People in your family (or anyone really) who professes to love you wont call you and you have to be the one to initiate the calls? I really don't understand what is going on here. My bruised ego tells me that they just dont want to talk to me or they would call. But somehow that doesnt feel right.
Have you ever experienced this? And if so, what is this all about? If you do this yourself, enlighten us all about why, please. After a lifetime of this family dynamic, now I really want to know why this is happening. Why do people do this? Don't they realize it makes you feel very unwanted to never initiate a simple phone call (mom lives out of state and aunt lives across the state)?
Ugh! I'm at a loss and totally fed up with this uneven show of interest and care. Really, I am no longer willing to be the one that always calls. If that means you go away forever, then so be it. What kind of relationship was it anyway? I'm done.
Who borrows moving boxes? Seriously? OP, could you not afford to buy your own moving boxes? You can even get them used, from some movers or storage companies.
I don't think you should do any more calling. If they want to talk to you, they can pick up the phone. How hard is that?
How was your relationship with your mom when you were growing up? And at college? Who called whom, after you finished HS and were living away from home? Are you an only child?
If your mom and aunt call you, they then feel they are responsible for having something to say, provide content that is interesting, and to steer the conversation.
Maybe the two of them feel that they really have nothing of particular interest to talk about, so they let you take the lead in calling first, thereby they feel it is up to you to provide the content of the call.
Maybe your mom and aunt do not particularly enjoy talking on the phone - so it takes you initiating the calls for them to feel comfortable or even interested in conversing. On their own, they do not enjoy telephone conversing enough to initiate calls. That doesn't mean that they do not enjoy the calls once you initiate them.
Also, maybe they do not feel the need as strongly as you do to have people actively in their life.
Your mom might have something psychologically and emotionally against you from the past, a hurdle which she cannot tackle enough to make calls to you - but once you initiate a call, her psychological or emotional block is lessened enough to take part in the call.
I'm not an only child. Any yes, in college and actually all my life, my mom was never a touchy-feely loving kind of mom. But ok - that's how she is, i get it. I was the one to call her most of the time. This is nothing new. But I guess i'm at a phase in my life when I'm just sick of this being the only one that initiates contact. And now I really would like to know what causes this kind of dynamic.
Yeah, I could have bought boxes, but I was pretty strapped for cash at the time and she had just moved and had the boxes and offered them to me, so I accepted and used them. Not a complex thing to understand. Anyway, you should get that it really wasn't about the boxes at all. This is more a symptom of a problem, not the cause.
And yes, I havent called her in a year and she has never called me. Even having had a surgery during that year. I never got a call asking how it went or how I am. Nothing.
If this were a friend behaving this way, I would take it as a sign that the friendship was not worth continuing, but you can't just do that with family. I'm not asking for anyone to cast blame. I'm asking about what this is about when you always have to be the one to do the calling. Maybe I should apply the same logic that I do with other kinds of relationships and decide to stop pursuing it. Unfortunately, it's not that cut and dried with family.
It's probably time to stop asking why and just accept what is and move on.
When you get the point of asking this question in a public, anonymous forum, you're probably scraping the bottom of the barrel in terms of seeking answers.
I just thought maybe someone would say something I hadn't already thought of. I think probably my worst fears are true.
Time to let it go. Amazing how long it took me to get it.
I've lived with this dynamic from certain family members, and I've never understood whats going on here, so now I'm asking.... for people that get this same thing, or maybe people who do this themselves...
I have 2 family members, my mom and an aunt, who love to hear from me but they never initiate the call themselves.
With my mom, I always, I mean ALWAYS am the one to call her, but she never calls me. I don't call that often, maybe once every 2 weeks or so. We have a nice long conversation and it all seems good. But then she will never reciprocate contact. I asked her why she is never the one that calls me and her reply was "I don't have to call people because THEY call ME. Hmmm. I told her that it feels like she doesn't really want to talk to me because she never calls me first.
Once I decided to just wait it out and see if or when she would ever call me. She never did. I had to call her. What??? I told her her that it feels pretty offensive and feels like she really doesn't want to talk to me or she would CALL. What the heck is going on here?
Many years ago when I went through a divorce, I borrowed some moving boxes from her since I was having to move to a new location because of the divorce. Well I didn't return the boxes and I didn't hear from her for 5 years. FIVE YEARS. Over moving boxes? I don't think so. I guess I just discarded the boxes after the move (I must have tossed them, I really don't remember and she never asked me to return them afterward). Maybe that was my mistake? But 5 years of silence because of that? I had enough to deal with at that time but she never checked on me that whole time to see how I was or if I needed anything. Finally after 5 years of silence, I called her to initiated contact. Later she apologized and said she didn't know why she did that. Ummm... okay.
I have an aunt that I hadn't talked to in many years and recently called her and we had a very lovely conversation and it felt good to be reconnected to her. A couple of months go by and I never hear from her. But then I get a Christmas card that say, after the Merry Xmas stuff, she wrote at the bottom "Call me some time". Okay. So here we go again. I have to be the one to call her. I see that I"ll never hear from her unless I call HER.
What is up with this dynamic?? People in your family (or anyone really) who professes to love you wont call you and you have to be the one to initiate the calls? I really don't understand what is going on here. My bruised ego tells me that they just dont want to talk to me or they would call. But somehow that doesnt feel right.
Have you ever experienced this? And if so, what is this all about? If you do this yourself, enlighten us all about why, please. After a lifetime of this family dynamic, now I really want to know why this is happening. Why do people do this? Don't they realize it makes you feel very unwanted to never initiate a simple phone call (mom lives out of state and aunt lives across the state)?
Ugh! I'm at a loss and totally fed up with this uneven show of interest and care. Really, I am no longer willing to be the one that always calls. If that means you go away forever, then so be it. What kind of relationship was it anyway? I'm done.
It could be generational. My father always called his mother and never the other way around. He 1) feels that is respect for elders and 2) doesn't like to be seen as trying to 'interfere' in the lives of adult children.
My Aunt also does not call people and I can't say what her reasons are, but I had the same struggle you did. Many years ago when she moved she said to come and see her sometimes! And she meant it, but it felt weird to me to initiate a visit to someone else's home. I think she likes for people to do that, though. I guess it goes something like 'I want to come see you' and then it's worked out when its a good time.
She does well with drop-ins also. She turns into a hostess in a heartbeat. /shrug. Now, I call when I have news, or some time has gone by and I just want to see how she is and chat about whatever. I think she assumes that if her phone isn't ringing, 'whoever' doesn't have anything to say. And for her, she has lots of people tugging at her. Will you babysit? Will you help me do this? Etc. Maybe she doesn't want to encourage more of that, lol. IDK. It's ok the way it is now that I am used to it.
I've lived with this dynamic from certain family members, and I've never understood whats going on here, so now I'm asking.... for people that get this same thing, or maybe people who do this themselves...
I have 2 family members, my mom and an aunt, who love to hear from me but they never initiate the call themselves.
Apparently they really don't care if they speak to you or not. They assume you will call them and if you don't its not a big deal.
Personally I don't like making phone calls. So I do have some friends and family who always initiate the calls. Its not like I don't want to talk to them but if it does not happen oh well.
I'm not an only child. Any yes, in college and actually all my life, my mom was never a touchy-feely loving kind of mom. But ok - that's how she is, i get it. I was the one to call her most of the time. This is nothing new. But I guess i'm at a phase in my life when I'm just sick of this being the only one that initiates contact. And now I really would like to know what causes this kind of dynamic.
Yeah, I could have bought boxes, but I was pretty strapped for cash at the time and she had just moved and had the boxes and offered them to me, so I accepted and used them. Not a complex thing to understand. Anyway, you should get that it really wasn't about the boxes at all. This is more a symptom of a problem, not the cause.
And yes, I havent called her in a year and she has never called me. Even having had a surgery during that year. I never got a call asking how it went or how I am. Nothing.
If this were a friend behaving this way, I would take it as a sign that the friendship was not worth continuing, but you can't just do that with family. I'm not asking for anyone to cast blame. I'm asking about what this is about when you always have to be the one to do the calling. Maybe I should apply the same logic that I do with other kinds of relationships and decide to stop pursuing it. Unfortunately, it's not that cut and dried with family.
I can promise you my Dad cares about me very much but he tells me to call and tell him I am ok after surgery. My Mom would be beating down my door or ringing my phone off the hook if she wasn't there for it, but I don't have the same expectation of my Dad because this is how he has always been, and I know it's not a lack of caring. Often a behavior is entirely about the other person and nothing to do with us or our personal dynamic or anything. Just how they are for their own reasons.
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