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Thankfully I managed to dust off my ex-brother about thirteen years ago, after our father passed. A hard fought battle with him over the estate put the finishing touches on the whole affair. Haven't spoken in all that time and feel no sorrow. It bewilders our cousins on dad's side...."oh, you two were always so close". Yeah, back when I was a child in the sixties, before he moved out in 1970 and never looked back except for a yearly visit with the folks.
Cousins on my mother's side understand, I was always closer with them anyway while he wasn't. Very simple, the man left nearly fifty years ago and I probably hadn't spent one week total with him between '70 and '04. I didn't know this man, who he was, what he'd done, how he lived. And I found out in the end we had nothing in common except ancestry. Nothing. Why waste the effort, the time? I have many friends I'd go to the end of the world with, friends of decades now. Those are my family and I couldn't be happier.
This is how I am with my brothers. After decades of practically zero contact, you don't really know the person anymore. All you know about them is facts you hear from other family members, and when those facts paint a picture of somebody who you wouldn't really want to invite into your life, well then, why would you do it?
One of the reasons why I started calling my parents regularly which has now become calling my brothers regularly is that when I got into police work, I was reading various reports of people missing, people found dead.
It hit me with "How long could I be missing before others started looking for me?".
So I started making regular phone calls, started checking in with others such as when I went out bike riding, when I got back. It confuses the heck out of one of my bosses.........but it is the way I have become.
Just out of curiosity - to the people who are older and lost touch with siblings, were you ever close to begin with? were you close when you were little and as teenagers and then drifted apart? or were you never close?
I have a fear of this happening with my two brothers. So i was just curious.
That's an excellent observation. I grew up with a younger brother who was treasured, and two alcoholic parents. My brother was always selfish and abusive like my father and mother. I never felt like I was part of the family nor did I want to be. I made my escape as a teenager and had very little to do with them after I left. That turned into nothing to do with them for years before my parents died. My brother lived with my mother with this sick codependent relationship, and that wasn't for me. He is now my only living relative and I don't even know nor care if he's dead or alive. We haven't spoken since the early 90's. He called out of the blue about three or four years ago and left a message on our answering machine. I never returned his call. Nope, not my turn to babysit.
As much as people don't want to believe it will happen- distance kills off a lot of family relationships. If it weren't for e mail and social media, a lot of them would be totally gone.
This thread made me really sad. I can't fathom not being close with my brother and we are about 12 years apart.
I think it's hard for people with functional families to get why some of us cut off contact and are better for it. It is sad that some of us got dealt a lousy hand when it comes to our families of origin. I did, but I also have a hand full of Aces when it comes to the family I've created. Living with dysfunction either makes you dysfunctional or convinces you to do better for your own spouse and kids.
I think it's hard for people with functional families to get why some of us cut off contact and are better for it. It is sad that some of us got dealt a lousy hand when it comes to our families of origin. I did, but I also have a hand full of Aces when it comes to the family I've created. Living with dysfunction either makes you dysfunctional or convinces you to do better for your own spouse and kids.
I understand. My husband is not close with his sister. I've tried to get them closer but I don't want to force it.
I'm in my 50's and have 3 brothers and sisters. Our parents are still alive, so we get together on Thanksgiving and Christmas at my parents house. (no one else will step forward and offer to host) We're still all cordial to each other.
But in real life, we seldom speak or have anything to do with each other. This is just a fact. I'm the only one that doesn't have a spouse and kids. So I'm sure I see it and feel it more than them. But I know that they never speak to one another either. I know because my parents worry about the lack of communication also.
I anticipate that when my parents pass that no one will ever speak again unless it's just calling every 2-3 years to see if each other is still alive. I know this sounds pessimistic but already everyone is barely speaking so I don't see how it will be any different.
I's just curious if there are others in this situation? Either you are in this situation now, or this has already occurred, since your parents passed.
Any comments or encouragement would be appreciated.
I envy you actually. All three of us siblings live within 10 miles of each other. One in Portland, OR the other two in Vancouver, WA. Birth range is 2 years between each child. Yes, that tight, for no benefit.
I have an older and younger sister. In 2010 was the last time I spoke with the younger one (For personal reasons) I haven't missed her since.
I am now debating not continuing with the older one. In certain times, she's been belittling and frankly she prefers to ignore me unless she needs her house sit while she and hubby wander off.
This latter part will require me to move away.....I'm not hurting for it as more looking forward for it. Hateful? No, just being used as a 'Fixture" to be used then ignored....Just not how I viewed family, but then my opinion doesn't seem to matter anymore.
I lost touch with my entire family. I have no clue what is happening with any of them at all.
Back when I was still living in the same country as my family, I had already distanced myself from my mother who was very abusive physically & emotionally. I was still rather close with my dad but he enabled my mother's abusive behavior. He was the last person I saw before I left the country.
Then when I moved countries again (I had already lived abroad before), I slowly started losing touch with them. The connection started fading. The one with my mother faded completely right away as we were not close at all before I left. Then the connection with my dad faded shortly after because he would only call when money was needed on his end. The day I called for a financial emergency, he was reluctant to help out despite having the means to. A week later he called me saying he'd bought a car to my brother. That was the nail in the coffin for me. I asked him to stop calling me until I "sorted myself out" whatever that meant. It just meant "leave me alone".
Then, I lost touch with my two younger sisters afterwards. Leaving them in my life meant also accepting the rest of the family, which I was not open to at the time. I was worked up internally, that I never answered their calls or texts. I was never really in touch with my brother, so the relationship was never there.
I refuse to look my siblings up on social media, because I don't want to open Pandora's box. My parents don't have any social media, so I have no idea what is going on with them. I looked my siblings up in August because I found myself in a city where my family usually travels to. That was it. They seem happy.
They haven't sought to contact me in a year and a half either. I changed numbers, but I still have FB although they're not aware. So I guess they're better off without me. For now, I'm not ready to reopen that door, because it's too painful and I have no clue what I might find.
My decision sometimes haunts me, because I don't feel "complete" since I no longer have a family. I never feel 100% happy. There's always something missing. I feel rather selfish sometimes, but I know my sanity was at stake. I often contemplated suicide and even attempted one once. Therefore, I knew I had to remove myself from the situation and shut the door for a while to build my identity, a foundation for myself.
This is something I never speak about to anyone. I always act as though I'm still in touch with my family. No one knows the truth. It's easy to pretend because I'm single and no one has to know.
It might be a family pattern. My father left his country and lost touch with his parents when I was about 5. My mother lost touch with her dad when she married my dad. Then she stopped speaking to her siblings & so did my dad. It's a family curse.
Last edited by LostinPhilly; 12-21-2017 at 01:09 PM..
I have one brother, two years younger than I am. After having been burned by him yet AGAIN a few years ago, I have just written him off..... I will answer the phone if he calls, because he is father to my nephews who I adore, but will not initiate any form of contact ever again......
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