Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
OP, there are many women out there just like you; however, media, advertisers, and society in general would like you to think that you are the anomaly.
Childbearing and rearing are not for everyone, and several of my happiest, married friends love their carefree, kidless lifestyle.
You have your own values, hopes, and expectations that may have nothing to do with theirs. So what?
Smile, humor them all (then do exactly what you please), and take pride in the fact that you are not a lemming. :-)
I am a 30 something woman who has several pregnant colleagues. I have no desire for kids, but hearing about hospital choices for deliveries, breastfeeding, etc really makes me feel as though we have little in common. I find that stuff boring-- don't get me wrong, being a good parent is important-- but talk about something that many women share always makes me feel a little like there is something wrong with my disinterest.
Join Meetup, why don't you. I'm actually in the same boat as you: all my friends settled down all at once, and abandoned all traces of their single lifestyle. Which included me. On occasions I do hang out with then, it's always as the awkward odd-numbered wheel. I got used to it by now, but the fact that they won't even go hiking with me anymore did leave a void in my social life.
Meetup groups stepped in to fill the role as my non-awkward social outlet. There are always events going on, and the social environment is such that nobody gives a rat's behind if you're single, in a relationship, or married. Everybody is allowed to fit in, and are treated as an equal for the most part. The only rules are the Golden Rule and don't creep on the women. (You'll get removed if you do.)
You didn't specify where you live, but unless it's a really small town, there are gotta be Meetup groups near you somewhere. Some are just one gender, others are age-specific, and still others are interest-specific. Pick a group that appeals to you the most, and give it a shot. If it doesn't sit well with you, you can always not return. And if it does, you have a regular fun thing to do.
I know how you feel OP. I feel the same way quite a bit.
Lots of people drink the cultural Kool Aid that there is a certain way to live and be. It happens with every choice you make. I am a vegetarian but not a militant one. Eating out with coworkers requires explanation at times. No, I don't want to try that delicious hamburger you ordered. I don't think you are wrong for eating it, I just make different dietary choices. Sometimes the conversation ends there. Annoyingly, it often does not.
It can be a chore to keep your head above the sea of popular opinion and trendy choices. There exists a thing called peer pressure and its real with a long life past high school. People use this as a tool to justify their own choices. Sometimes opinions are strongest when there is unexpressed doubt behind them. Maybe pregnancy or parenthood comes with rather unfun sacrifices (it does.) Maybe that house they bought is poorly built, or too big, or the neighbors are idiots. Maybe they feel insecure that you look like one thing and are brave enough to like what you like which may be different than the stereotype.
It can suck though to be the odd person out. And it can be lonely to know your own mind.
This is beautifully stated, poetic even. And so very, very true.
[quote=MillennialUrbanist;51161398]Join Meetup, why don't you. I'm actually in the same boat as you: all my friends settled down all at once, and abandoned all traces of their single lifestyle. Which included me. On occasions I do hang out with then, it's always as the awkward odd-numbered wheel. I got used to it by now, but the fact that they won't even go hiking with me anymore did leave a void in my social life.
OP is engaged. She herself is getting ready to "settle down." (Whatever that will mean for her and her spouse. I know you have a particular view of marital relationships that drives a large number of your posts.)
It's not about being single: It's about not relating to lifestyle choices (pregnancy? children? what someone's marriage ceremony should include? city or suburb? vintage house vs new construction?) that others around her share. She does not share the same preferences.
I don't think she's lacking activities or like-minded individuals. (She stated she has friends who "get it.") She's giving the different preferences and conversation of others (that she seems to find to be "mainstream" in comparison to herself) the power to make her feel weird about her own preferences.
OP is engaged. She herself is getting ready to "settle down." (Whatever that will mean for her and her spouse. I know you have a particular view of marital relationships that drives a large number of your posts.)
It's not about being single: It's about not relating to lifestyle choices (pregnancy? children? what someone's marriage ceremony should include? city or suburb? vintage house vs new construction?) that others around her share. She does not share the same preferences.
Oops! Mea culpa!
Well, in that case, if "settling down" indeed means your social life will come to an end, why even look for like-minded individuals or social outlets? She can socialize with her existing friends who "get it", as you said. And even in this case, there are Meetup groups specifically for couples too, at least in the Chicago area.
I don't know what makes Meetup the way it is, but it seems more tolerant of lifestyle choices than "organic" social groups. So that's why I suggested it to the OP, my colored judgment nonewithstanding. It might help her find like-minded couples that aren't dead-set on complying with society's standards. Namely, having a big wedding, then moving to a sterile post-WWII suburb.
And we are getting married. Low key. Not traditional. Every time I tell someone this, they get really excited. I am kind of dreading the whole ceremony/party part as I don't really enjoy large social settings and get anxious. But this is yet again a shared experience that many think is wonderful. I try to be polite and change the subject or say "its just a small wedding." And yet people really go overboard wanting to talk about it. I really find myself feeling like there is something wrong with me.
I would want people to be excited for me if I were getting married. That wasn't the case in my situation. I had jealous friends and apathetic family members. Be grateful someone is happy for you.
Let them make assumptions. As long as you know why you don't "fit" them, why on earth does it matter? In fact OP YOU are making assumptions about all these other people and about yourself (this one's a whopper: "I don't identify with others"). Its what humans do to figure out where they stand among the bigger group called "humans". We all do it in some aspects of our lives, but we are not algae that have no individual brain either. You can let it bother you or not. Not letting bother you is a learned skill. Some people are OK with drifting within the larger group in many aspects of their lives. Fine, let them. If you don't choose to drift, that's fine too. You are not required to explain every choice you make, but you are expected to live with the result.
This is exactly what I was going to write. People are just asking questions, trying to get to know you.
I understand the questions about not wanting children, it’s a lot. My husband and I didn’t want children and everyone questioned us. It was frustrating for sure, but I just laughed it off and said we were too selfish. (Now of course we have two kids!).
Don’t let others questions or differences bother you. Instead embrace who you are and be confident with your choices!
The seamtress "Why spend a ridiculous amount of money on a dress I will wear once, smart people like my husband and myself would rather have a down payment on a house than waste money on a one day event"....end of subject.
You see you don't let people like this "go on for a good 5 minutes", you take control(it's your business not hers) and nip it in the bud. Learn to speak up for yourself.
" Totally clueless about rap, I like classical(or whatever music you like) so I can't really comment".
You seem to think you have to explain yourself to other people, you do not.
And again "why do you ask?" is a wonderful response to invasive questions. Most times the person will get flustered, because you put it back on them and the subject quickly changes.
“Why do you ask” or “Why do you want to know?” are valid responses to inquisitiveness. I totally agree.
But when one chooses to go one’s own way, others will always be surprised. If it is not the norm, people will be surprised. Just expect it. As you get older, there won’t be as much of this. Plenty of people do not have children these days.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
