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Doomed - no. It will change. You will have to be more flexible.
We stayed friends with our friends after we had children. In fact many of my male friends begged to be allowed to take our twins to the beach. (Twin babies are better babe magnets than a puppy).
I wanted to rent them out, but I got overruled. My wife was concerned that in a haze of bikini distraction our friends would forget the babies and the would get sunburned or eat a dead seagull when no one was looking.
But the answer is no, it is not doomed. Depending on how anal/obsessive the parents are, you may be able to do pretty much the same things as always. or you may have to learn to enjoy now and different things. If you have to ride "Its a small wold" at Disneyland fifteen times in a row to be with them, just pretend you have a shotgun and yell out "Pull at appropriate times.
I don't like the idea of my life revolving around my future children. I hope I am able to continue to be myself when I am a mother. That being said I'm no social butterfly. I won't have children until later this year () but I already felt like I was diverging from some of my peers a couple years ago when things got serious with my now-husband. I have limited social energy and most of that seems to get sucked up by work and my family even without kids yet.
Some people are more into kid-friendly activities that others. Personally I don't mind other peoples' kids when they are 3-4+ but I've never been into babies. I think you will find some parents are happy to get away from their kids when they can find the time. I think you have to think about how involved in the kids' lives you want to be when interacting with friends who are parents. Some people won't care if you don't want to hang out with their kids, others might get sensitive about it.
My wife and I are in mid -to-late 30's. We are rather firm about not wanting to have kids of our own. Neither of us has that parenting instinct that seems to take over most "normal" people.
In the last couple of years more and more of our friends are starting to have babies. They have been good friends, for years, and have meant a lot to us. Our worlds were intertwined with theirs to a larger degree I am comfortable with acknowledging. However, I cannot even begin to understand the thought process that one goes through when deciding to have their own children.I know that sounds strange to most, but it's just not a part of my DNA.
Anyways, I know folks like that are out there so this is addressed to them. In your experience, is it worth making an effort to preserve friendships with new parents? Or is that a lost battle that should just be ceded in advance, as painful as it may sound?
Input by those, who are childless by choice, would be much appreciated. It is starting to feel a bit lonely.I would appreciate your stories about navigating that point in your life when most of humanity took that parenting fork in the road.
(As a disclaimer, I shun away from the term "childfree" because it seems to equate to "child hater" (judging by the content of childfree forums). It is part of my core values to not hate any class of beings. We even sincerely find children adorable, at least after 2 years of age or so. I just feel zero attraction to the path of parenthood and, frankly, do not feel that we have either emotional or economic resources to walk that path well in this world we find ourselves in.)
You seem to be quite thoughtful, perhaps an organizer and planner...contemplating situations. On the children of friends thing, the thing is not to put it in a box . On your side or on your friends' side. It's a fluid thing.
You may be called on to babysit, you might offer to babysit. You may be a favorite of one or more of the kids. (And sometimes no one really even understands why the child likes you so much.) You may be called aunt and uncle. You may be the ones the parents are fine having you do something with the kids the parents just don't like or just can't get their minds around or are afraid of but don't want to instill any of those negative things and want their kids to have a bounty of experiences. Like amusement park trips or classical concerts or books or animals or birding or plant life or building, etc.
And you might find that, hey, I like this little guy...not when he needed to be changed but he's okay now that he laughs a lot and looks me right in the eye when he talks and acts like he even gets me.
The parents will change if only because there is one more person and that person needs to be fed and carried and so on. Where the parents' hearts were directed mostly towards each other, it will now include a third person...before reaching out. And there can be more than that third person over time. But there will be times parents need you, want the relaxation, want your input, want your personality. And, as others say, the situation can change back over time. Fluid.
You may be called on to babysit, you might offer to babysit. You may be a favorite of one or more of the kids. (And sometimes no one really even understands why the child likes you so much.) You may be called aunt and uncle. You may be the ones the parents are fine having you do something with the kids the parents just don't like or just can't get their minds around or are afraid of but don't want to instill any of those negative things and want their kids to have a bounty of experiences. Like amusement park trips or classical concerts or books or animals or birding or plant life or building, etc.
And you might find that, hey, I like this little guy...not when he needed to be changed but he's okay now that he laughs a lot and looks me right in the eye when he talks and acts like he even gets me.
As a man, I highly doubt I'll be called to babysit. The most I can be for parents is a diversion while someone else babysits. Plus, I'm not a fan of kids to begin with. I don't dislike them, but my opinion of kids is that of "respectful indifference". That is, I'll extend them the politeness I'd expect in return (Golden Rule, basically), and manage a short conversation about a topic they enjoy (animals, cartoons, etc.). But I don't find them adorable, or anything like that.
The age group of kids I'm cool with is high-schoolers. I can have an almost-adult conversation with them, save for overtly violent or sexual topics, and give them mentor-like advice on the job market. Plus, at my age, I probably remind them more of their parents than their friends, so they're likely to act accordingly.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 03-14-2018 at 01:03 PM..
Find new friends. When you say "I cannot begin to understand the thought processes people go through to have their own children", I am going to guess that you exude a negative, anti-child vibe whether you know it or not. You are not neutral. People who have kids can get together for adult nights of course, but a lot of one's priorities and focus changes once you have children. Will you enjoy time with your friends if they talk about their kids a lot?
**Find and forge friendships with retirees and/or empty nesters.**
( Pick good ones, and you'll be surprised how quickly you forget there's an age difference!)
When people turn into parents, the majority give parenthood most of their time and effort. They also tend to want friendships with others who can share in the joys, struggles, challenges of raising children. It can be all consuming. They need people in same situation/boat to commiserate with.
There are exceptions, and sometimes people seek out childless couples so they can retreat from that life and reminders of parenting responsibilities.
p.s.
Babysitters are expensive, and children tend to challenge the budget anyways. So if being with you means babysitter, and without children in tow activities, chances are they will opt to hang out with a couple who have kids just for the mere fact of saving money and hassle.
This is what we did. We never had kids. Our friends have always been younger or older. We're now reaching any age where people our age are sending their kids off to college. One of my best friends - she's been a great friend for well over a decade - is 20 years older than me. She's now retired, but her kids have been gone for years. We share many interests. The age difference didn't matter. We have fun together!
The friends who were younger often went by the wayside once a child came along. Newborns take a lot of work and they're exhausted. We had a lot less in common because their lives changed. Sorry, but I don't want to spend every time we hang out hearing about your kids for 2-3 hours.....yawn....I don't even want to hear about my own family like that! LOL
As a man, I highly doubt I'll be called to babysit. The most I can be for parents is a diversion while someone else babysits. Plus, I'm not a fan of kids to begin with. I don't dislike them, but my opinion of kids is that of "respectful indifference". That is, I'll extend them the politeness I'd expect in return (Golden Rule, basically), and manage a short conversation about a topic they enjoy (animals, cartoons, etc.). But I don't find them adorable, or anything like that.
The age group of kids I'm cool with is high-schoolers. I can have an almost-adult conversation with them, save for overtly violent or sexual topics, and give them mentor-like advice on the job market. Plus, at my age, I probably remind them more of their parents than their friends, so they're likely to act accordingly.
You're linking my response to someone else and responding to my response to Candalf, though. I went back and checked. I specifically "quoted" him, linking what he said and then made my response. Yeah, he's a guy too but mentioned he is part of a couple.
You're linking my response to someone else and responding to my response to Candalf, though. I went back and checked. I specifically "quoted" him, linking what he said and then made my response. Yeah, he's a guy too but mentioned he is part of a couple.
I know you were responding to someone else. But City-Data doesn't support nested quotes, at least not by default.
It's probably best for childless couples to be friends with other childless couples or empty nesters.
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) but I already felt like I was diverging from some of my peers a couple years ago when things got serious with my now-husband. I have limited social energy and most of that seems to get sucked up by work and my family even without kids yet. 
