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Stop. Don't play the game anymore. If you don't know where to go or when to be there that's a failure as hosts on their part. Don't chase info. When they call or text with guilt be honest - we didnt know where to go.
On the last minute invites don't rearrange your life. Just tell them you wish you had known but have other plans.
Either they will start giving you more info sooner or it will be apparent that you aren't actually desired at these events.
I really could use some help here. This seems to happen often to me (from siblings and sibling-in-law) and I need to know how to deal with it and would love to know how to prevent it.
99.9% of the time the 3 major holidays are at my childhood home. Now that my parents are older, all of us kids help out with cooking and cleanup, though keeping mom out of the kitchen is a challenge despite her promising she will sit quietly (I hope to have her spunk when I'm her age! )
I am the first to admit I am not a party or people person. Holidays don't mean much to me as I've worked retail and IT most of my life and always feel like I'm on call. I get minimal time off and people drain me. But I do these 3 holidays (and a number of other get togethers throughout the year) as it means a lot to my parents. I also try to get together with my parents for lunch now and then, we live fairly close.
Get togethers at my parents are always low key as my parents are very much like me. 12 people would be a lot for us.
One of my siblings and one sibling-in-law are huge people persons. The bigger the gathering the better. The in-law has had some holidays at their house and I've gone to a few but they are so insanely crazy, people yelling all over the place, that I hesitate to go unless I know it will be just immediate family. When their extended family is there, I don't even get a chance to talk to my family, who I really want to spend time with. Extended family could be 30+ people spread trough a 900sq ft house - in winter. The past few years I've been doing Thanksgiving at home for myself and my SO and it's been wonderful for us. Neither of us get Black Friday off and we often need to work that Saturday so this is a true day off for us and we've come to enjoy it.
So that's the background. Easter is around the corner. It's in the back of my mind that mom will be calling to confirm our presence this week. If not I will call her over the weekend.
Instead I get a text from sibling #1:
Will you be joining us for Easter?
<me> Yes! But where will it be?
<them> We're coming to your place! <we both know this is a huge joke>
But then, dead silence. Nothing. Nadda. I have no idea where to be, or what state they will be in (yes state, there are 2 involved though travel distance is not bad). I can guess a time. I assume I they want me to bring something - why I do not know as there will be enough food from 2 people to feed 100, but I will bring something.
(wouldn't it be a hoot if they actually did show up at my place! no table, no place to sit)
This has happened before. Now I need to call my parents to find out what is actually happening, when and where. If it's going to be a sibling-in-laws place, my parents will only know the location and not the amount of people. Sounds crazy I know, but that matters to me.
Please tell me why it's so difficult to send a text that says:
"Hi! We're having Easter at XYZs at 1pm - let us know if you can make it!" (this is pretty much how any invite from my parents is)
Please also tell me how to respond to my siblings when I get texts that say nothing. Again, this has been going on for 4-5 years now and it drives me absolutely nuts. I never say anything to them about it. They may know it drives me crazy and do it on purpose, or they may truly be brain dead and have no idea. Again, I have never expressed my frustration to anyone in my family about this.
There have also been a number of times where I've gotten a text about an event *that night* that they had arranged and "forgot" to tell me about. These events have been surprises for one of my parents but have left me scrambling to change my schedule and buy something in a matter of hours and my SO can rarely make something like that. Because I love my parents and do not want to disappoint them, I try to move heaven and earth to make it happen and never tell them of the hell I've gone through to be there but it's really wearing me down.
The worst part about all this, is if I actually cannot make one of these last minute deals, I start getting text bombed guilt trips from siblings and sibling-in-law: "why?!" "what are you doing?" "why can't you change your schedule?" "don't you want to see us?" "I can't believe you can't make it".
Any input would be greatly appreciated. This all feels like games to me and I don't know why it has to be so difficult to get the info required for the event.
You worry too much. You know how you are and so do they. Just show up, alcohol helps. Just buzz through it and you'll be glad in the long run.
Well, I wouldn't be surprised if they did show up at your house since you said "bring a table"! You need to make it clear it will NOT be at your house or you may be in for a big surprise!
Sorry OP, but I would laugh if you came back and updated this thread on April 2nd to say that everyone showed up at your house.
I don't see the big deal in texting back, "Seriously, where is everyone meeting for Easter? I was going to the store today and wanted to know what I needed to bring"
I agree with the other responders. Not everyone texts these days. Honest!
CALL everyone but get facts first. Tell them you wanted to hear their voice if anything.
If I were in your shoes I'd host my own get togethers and be happy with who comes, limiting numbers. Do an outdoors gathering at a local park if you don't have room. Being outside will keep the shouting down. I hope.
Adults understand if a job stresses you out and would accommodate you if you tell them. . . I only want to visit with family. I can't handle the stress of a large crowd. Maybe arrive late and don't stay long. Go talk outside one on one with someone you want to visit with.
I'm wondering if your
family is trying to give you a hint that it's your turn to host a holiday. You wrote that this has been happening for 4-5 years... Maybe at about that point in time, they started to think that it would be nice to go to your home.
I read that you don't have a table... No one in my family had a table either, except for me and my mother. But seems like some sort of reciprocation could be arranged. (It is a lot of work to actually host holiday dinners)
This might fix the relatively recent "vague" invitations. Just a thought. Of course, I could be completely wrong.
Stop. Don't play the game anymore. If you don't know where to go or when to be there that's a failure as hosts on their part. Don't chase info. When they call or text with guilt be honest - we didnt know where to go.
On the last minute invites don't rearrange your life. Just tell them you wish you had known but have other plans.
Either they will start giving you more info sooner or it will be apparent that you aren't actually desired at these events.
I like this. But trust me, there would be a lot of flack if I actually did it. My parents have no idea this is happening because I never tell them. It's just 2 siblings (and one of their spouses) that does this to me.
Quite frankly I dread holidays and would be more than happy to NOT go to any of them. I really prefer small get togethers where one can actually talk to and catch up with people. I get that not everyone understands this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sandgirl
You worry too much. You know how you are and so do they. Just show up, alcohol helps. Just buzz through it and you'll be glad in the long run.
If only I drank.....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sundaydrive00
Sorry OP, but I would laugh if you came back and updated this thread on April 2nd to say that everyone showed up at your house.
I don't see the big deal in texting back, "Seriously, where is everyone meeting for Easter? I was going to the store today and wanted to know what I needed to bring"
hahah I would too! I sure hope they bring all the food, all I have are two very frozen turkeys. I sent a text last night. Still waiting.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sollaces
I agree with the other responders. Not everyone texts these days. Honest!
CALL everyone but get facts first. Tell them you wanted to hear their voice if anything.
If I were in your shoes I'd host my own get togethers and be happy with who comes, limiting numbers. Do an outdoors gathering at a local park if you don't have room. Being outside will keep the shouting down. I hope.
Adults understand if a job stresses you out and would accommodate you if you tell them. . . I only want to visit with family. I can't handle the stress of a large crowd. Maybe arrive late and don't stay long. Go talk outside one on one with someone you want to visit with.
This was initiated by text and could have been handled in one simple sentence: "We are having Easter at XYZ at 1pm, hope to see you there!"
Yes - adults that get it understand things. But not everyone is like this. 2 of these family members are recharged by being around a lot of people. I am not. So they would never understand my feelings because they don't experience it themselves. (why is it that introverts understand extroverts, but the reverse is not true?)
Oh - talking one on one is great. I tried to do that with my Mom last Mother's Day. She'd been sick and I hadn't seen her for a month. We were deep in conversation when a sibling started yelling from outside "MOM!!! Come out here!! We need to know where you want the flowers!!!". And didn't stop yelling until we went outside. So we went out, Mom gave her ideas, all were shot down and the siblings did what they wanted anyway. I took Mom out for lunch the next week so we could talk without interruptions. I really think that's how I have to handle things - lunches with the people I really want to be with.
It's still winter here - nothing is happening outdoors right now anyway
And because of all the miscommunications over the years, I prefer stuff to be handled by text with them. That way I have something to refer back to for firm details - or lack thereof
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyMae521
I'm wondering if your family is trying to give you a hint that it's your turn to host a holiday. You wrote that this has been happening for 4-5 years... Maybe at about that point in time, they started to think that it would be nice to go to your home.
I read that you don't have a table... No one in my family had a table either, except for me and my mother. But seems like some sort of reciprocation could be arranged. (It is a lot of work to actually host holiday dinners)
This might fix the relatively recent "vague" invitations. Just a thought. Of course, I could be completely wrong.
Could be, but I doubt it. Doesn't much change things. I have a cat. One of my family members brings their dog EVERYWHERE and that won't fly here. Sometimes there are 2-3 dogs. Please understand I love dogs, but my cat is not used to them and I'm not locking her up in her own house. She will hide with the extra people but the dog(s) will sniff her out. So right away I'd have to say "please leave all pets at home" which *should* be ok but you never know.
I also have a small house and run a business out of it. Not only do I not have a table setup, I don't have a room to put it in. My kitchen is not an eat-in kitchen and my dining room is one of the business rooms. It works for me. But it does not work for hosting dinners - which is fine as I would be a horrible host! Hey, I can admit my shortcomings.
It has been happening since the sibling-in-law came into the picture, the last minute stuff. My take on it is that the 3 of them talk together and forget to bring anyone else into the picture, except for a parent when they want to surprise the other one.
Family dynamics have changed a LOT since this particular in-law came into the picture. I am dreading when what will happen when my parents pass, after seeing the way they acted when my last grandparent passed.
So in case anyone missed it, I replied back to the text last night asking where it's being held. I expect a response tomorrow.
But it still makes no sense to me as to why it can't all be said at once.
Last edited by yesitis456; 03-25-2018 at 08:49 AM..
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no table, no place to sit)
