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All my extended family lives in either China or the UK, whereas I grew up in Southern California all my life. Growing up, I never saw my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents more than once every couple of years.
I think that has made my life much easier than people who have very close, large extended families. I don't know why such people actually prefer living close to their families (obviously, their families treat them very well, otherwise they wouldn't want to live close to their extended relatives).
I thought even if you have an awesome, large extended family you love and are close to, it would only make things more difficult. What happens when your grandpa dies of cancer? You become very sad, because you had many fond memories of him. But see, if you're like me (hardly know your grandpa), then when he dies, you hardly feel sad.
On the other hand, do you think that a large extended family can make your life easier? Do kids who have large extended families have healthier self-esteem? Better social skills? Maybe even if your grandpa dies of cancer, the joy of knowing such a great man, great mentor in your life far outweighs the sorrow of his death?
Once again, when I say extended family, I am saying one that you love, one that loves you and treats you very well. Otherwise, if they are cruel to you, of course you don't want to live close to them.
This all comes down to how the kid was raise and the expectation that was set in the first. The expectation could be set by the parents or the living condition in general. So, is very hard to define the love one. Some people consider their abusive spouse is the love one while a reasonable person would agree that that is not love.
Every family has a different way of getting around, and there is really no right or wrong.
Yes, I think it's safe to say that if you have close relatives that you deeply love and enjoy, that relationship is worth it even though everyone is going to grow older, possibly get sick, and eventually die.
My oldest sister passed away in January after a brief illness. She was only 67. We were very close, the best of friends, and I also looked up to her after our mother died. I'm very sad and devastated that she is gone, but would I trade that for never having had a sister? Of course not. I have the fondest memories of her that I will carry forever.
We live near my husband's parents, and my children are very close to them. Right now my father-in-law is very ill with pancreatic cancer and we know it will be terminal. We don't want to lose him, it's terrible to think about, but would it have been better if my children grew up without knowing their grandfather? Of course not. They will remember him forever, just as I will remember my sister, and their lives will be richer for it.
My family did not live close to aunts, uncles, or cousins, and I regret that. I wish I had known them.
It sounds so strange and sad to me to say it's easier not to have close relationships because after all, those people are just going to die some day anyway.
My older son was raised near a LOT of extended family. We moved away before my younger son was born, so he was raised with our nuclear family alone.
I think the main difference between them is how much more comfortable the older one is in a large group of people. When the whole family descended on us for the younger one's birthday, he kind of freaked out. All these people wanted to hold him, kiss him and he was NOT comfortable with "outsiders".
While I missed our extended family, it was nice to not have anyone all "up in my business". Holidays seem a lot less special. Our schedules are a lot more wide open. We don't have every other weekend to attend yet another birthday party, etc.
In the end, I think it comes down to what your extended family is like. If you have a bisexual son and a really outspoken jerk of a homophobic uncle, then the isolation is definitely a good thing. On the other hand, if your kids gets along great with their cousins, it's really pretty sad. I have both situations in my family, so it's a mixed blessing.
I thought even if you have an awesome, large extended family you love and are close to, it would only make things more difficult. What happens when your grandpa dies of cancer? You become very sad, because you had many fond memories of him. But see, if you're like me (hardly know your grandpa), then when he dies, you hardly feel sad.
I don't even know what to say to that. It makes my heart sad for you. I had limited time with my grandfather (because of distance), but I treasure every moment and wish we had more time together before he passed.
I've never had extended family live close to me, and it's heartbreaking, to be honest. I wish I had closer relationships with them, but it hasn't been possible. I went to Guam last year for the first time in 25 years. I saw family members I hadn't seen in decades. And I kind of feel cheated of the opportunity to be closer to them.
Thanks to Facebook, we've been able to nurture our relationships more than in the past. But it's still not quite the same.
All my extended family lives in either China or the UK, whereas I grew up in Southern California all my life. Growing up, I never saw my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents more than once every couple of years.
I think that has made my life much easier than people who have very close, large extended families. I don't know why such people actually prefer living close to their families (obviously, their families treat them very well, otherwise they wouldn't want to live close to their extended relatives).
I thought even if you have an awesome, large extended family you love and are close to, it would only make things more difficult. What happens when your grandpa dies of cancer? You become very sad, because you had many fond memories of him. But see, if you're like me (hardly know your grandpa), then when he dies, you hardly feel sad.
On the other hand, do you think that a large extended family can make your life easier? Do kids who have large extended families have healthier self-esteem? Better social skills? Maybe even if your grandpa dies of cancer, the joy of knowing such a great man, great mentor in your life far outweighs the sorrow of his death?
Once again, when I say extended family, I am saying one that you love, one that loves you and treats you very well. Otherwise, if they are cruel to you, of course you don't want to live close to them.
That sounds kind of pathetic to me. You'd rather trade all those years of fond memories, to not be sad? Basically- just don't get close to anyone and you'll be fine
OP, I feel very blessed that my extended family is geographically far away. Even more so that my fiancee's is as well.
Dealing with them is often difficult as they make demands that do not align with our lifestyles. There is a cultural and religious disconnect. We limit interaction in a big way and put strict boundaries on visits (though those boundaries are always always always tested.) I do not attend events for family milestones unless its a very special situation and I don't expect them to attend mine.
Yet my life is very full with the family I chose. We have an abundant social circle with close friends. You can have a family in many senses without being related to them.
All my extended family lives in either China or the UK, whereas I grew up in Southern California all my life. Growing up, I never saw my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents more than once every couple of years.
On the other hand, do you think that a large extended family can make your life easier? Do kids who have large extended families have healthier self-esteem? Better social skills? Maybe even if your grandpa dies of cancer, the joy of knowing such a great man, great mentor in your life far outweighs the sorrow of his death?
Once again, when I say extended family, I am saying one that you love, one that loves you and treats you very well. Otherwise, if they are cruel to you, of course you don't want to live close to them.
It's cultural, to some extent. Too, depends on the individual.
I'm Irish-American. Damn stereotypes: bunch of rummies all with ten kids (one uncle, literally. Other has five. We were the "black sheep" with only one, me.) All in Boston, too, or mostly East Coast.
I found all that rather quaint, at-best, three decades ago and an advertisement for an Irish mob movie at-worst. Ever see "the Town" or "the Departed?" Yeah. Charlestown...Southie...you get the picture.
So I rear-viewed all of that. Not interested, as in "ever." They've been dead to me a long time, and the feeling is mutual in that I haven't heard from any of them in God knows how long. One cousin is on FB. I shut off her feed, because was not relevant to my world/life, but I guess it's a tenuous way back in if I get bored in my old age. Never say never, though the conversation will be mighty awkward after maybe 50-60 years of silence, I suspect.
So no, I never had them to depend on, or cared to. I wouldn't know any of the first cousins were they standing in front of me anymore, couple possible exceptions. Guess about 25 in my cohort, paternal side, and about 6 maternal. Haven't seen the latter in decades either. I don't know the exact number, though could figure it out if I had the slightest inkling. I do not.
Some with large families would have it no other way. I started a thread on this couple years ago, got lots of answers. Some were like me, completely ambivalent. Others, adamant that a large, close, family was key to their personal life-fulfillment. Who am I to argue with success? I've stated my $.02 on the matter.
On the other hand, do you think that a large extended family can make your life easier? Do kids who have large extended families have healthier self-esteem? Better social skills? Maybe even if your grandpa dies of cancer, the joy of knowing such a great man, great mentor in your life far outweighs the sorrow of his death?
Once again, when I say extended family, I am saying one that you love, one that loves you and treats you very well. Otherwise, if they are cruel to you, of course you don't want to live close to them.
Well, the answer lies in the theoretical qualifications that you pose in the last two sentences.
But in reality it all depends. All, some or none of your extended family members may make valuable contributions to your life at one time or another, throughout your life or never.
The beauty of living in an industrialized market economy, and now one with instant global communications, is that you have at least the opportunity to pick and choose.
In my case, I grew up amidst extended family members, I do have a few fond and valuable memories, but as an adult I do not keep much in touch with them (i.e. the ones still alive), they are all basically useless to me in the conduct of both daily life and long-term planning, and they make no effort to keep in touch with me, so the calculation must be mutual.
Grateful for those few fond and valuable memories, no regrets, no complaints.
For me, growing up with all my extended family overseas meant I had no social life. I am a lifelong Southern Californian, and over here in Southern California, you're basically expected to have a large, supportive family. Otherwise, you have no social life. Because over here, people may have huge, supportive, caring families, but if you're not in their family, they don't want to talk to you, unless you are some child prodigy, computer geek, smart-ass doctor, or filthy rich venture capitalist, etc. People are so proud of their "family pedigree" over here--which is stupid because America is all about individuals--with no experience, no connections, but by working hard and failing hard, they rose to the top by themselves.
Don't get me wrong. I am a pro-life, socially conservative Christian who believes in complete sexual abstinence until marriage. Ideally, yes, everyone should have a strong, supportive family net. Yes, families are the building block of the nation. But I've been to a very conservative part of Louisiana and seen plenty of people with strong families yet also welcome me (as a stranger) with open arms. Not sure why not in Southern California.
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