If you have a close friend who has cancer (jealous, wife, person)
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Someone very close to me has cancer and I have noticed this.
Their friends come out when the initial diagnosis and bad news comes and the surgery and initial shock is going on. Then, they're quite scarce.
I'm sure they'll be back when the cancer comes back and things are dire, but...
You should want to see that person when they are relatively healthy. Who knows how long that will be, especially if it is Stage III or IV.
If you have a close friend that has cancer, then go see them. Don't make them call you to hang out and come to you. Go in your car/train and go to where they are, and go hang out with them and do the things you used to do. Go over to their house and just spend the day with them. If that person is not a close friend, then I understand, but it would still be nice.
But if you consider them close, go see them. I understand $ and kids are important but your friend might not be around too long. Your kids/husband are there every day. And one day's pay can wait.
People who are not sick are able to "get over it" a lot sooner than the person with cancer does. While all the trauma of diagnosis and treatment are going on it there are "reminders" for others....the person is home away from work or events with friends, they may appear ill or tired, have little energy, wear a wig, etc. They are busy with appointments and treatment schedules. All things that keep their disease uppermost in the minds of their friends. It is also a little easier to help the person in specific finite ways.
However, once the initial very active aspects of the disease are past, the patient is left to get on with survival, with what's left of their life. Everything goes into the background for everyone around them. Sometimes with a sense of relief. Cancer is frightening for everyone, the patient as well as the potential patients around them. Everyone. People want to leave it in the dust and not be faced with it. They can, the patient can't. Unless the person constantly brings up the topic, these friends get swallowed up by the next thing that comes along for THEM. Most people don't face survival after cancer diagnosis. They simply don't understand that it doesn't ever completely go away, it is sort of back under the bed for the patient anyway.
I am not excusing the people who seem to drop off and not pay attention. I am trying to see it through their eyes, based on my own experience with cancer. These friends are not unfeeling or insensitive, they are ordinary humans, moving from one life crisis to another. Most have good intentions, but they get exhausted trying to support someone too. They just can't appreciate in what ways they can continue to "help" once all the obvious stuff is over. They are not psychologists who can handle the occasional recurring fears and anxiety the patient may well go through for years after their initial diagnosis. They can't do a lot to help and this is distressing. They feel helpless. Again, they are afraid they'll be in the same boat someday. It is only human to not want to be reminded of the threat.
If they were a close friend of the patient before all this came up, chances are they will continue to be a good friend in other aspects of their lives. I appreciated everything my friends at the time did for me; they were wonderful. I took me a while to understand how they could go back to "normal" once my obvious cancer-related stuff ended. But I did eventually and don't resent any of them for it. Didn't "lose" any friends at all over it and can now see both sides. Very glad for that.
Last edited by Parnassia; 04-21-2018 at 02:27 PM..
This happened to one of my best friends. She was diagnosed with cancer and people just scattered. At her funeral they all said they wanted to talk to her, but they didn't know what to say. It's awful for the person diagnosed being so isolated.
I was the only one out of our very large group of friends that talked to her every day, went to visit and kept in touch. Truly broke my heart.
When I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago I knew it was going to be difficult for some friends ,they don’t know what to say. I found giving little tasks (like collecting jokes to share with me, making me a gag gift, driving me to treatment and then ice cream treat afterwards) and using a sense of humour helped ease that. Sadly I’ve seen fellow cancer patients lose family and friends and it’s heartbreaking, one friend faced jealousy and resentment because she was getting attention, sigh!
My exwife's best friend found out she had terminal cancer when her twins were 7 or 8 years old. It tore my (at that time) wife up pretty bad. When we went to visit her for the first time after she got out of the hospital, we both were trying not to tear up. Our friend pointed her finger at us and said we were allowed one "cry" while we were around her and that's all. She didn't need it. We both had a good cry with her and, after that, held up pretty good. Wife would cry on my shoulder a few times the first couple weeks but did pretty good after that. She knew we were there if she needed us. Her twins were good friends with our kids so we'd have them spend the day or night if she needed us to.
Just be there with them or at least let them know you're no more than a phone call away.
Had a good and close friend at church who had cancer last year she died in January of this year three months to the day of diagnosis . I will never forget her and I go to the cemetery and put out flowers . I notice someone else does this as well but don't know who since I ve never seen anyone there but myself when I go . Just say what is in your heart to them and let them know you are there for them or just a phone call away .
Someone very close to me has cancer and I have noticed this.
Their friends come out when the initial diagnosis and bad news comes and the surgery and initial shock is going on. Then, they're quite scarce.
In my cancer experience, the people just bailed when I told them the news. They'd either ghost completely or cautiously check in a year later. For the latter, I just ignored them. I have a new set of friends now. I only kept the ones that didn't ghost or ignore the cancer.
In my cancer experience, the people just bailed when I told them the news. They'd either ghost completely or cautiously check in a year later. For the latter, I just ignored them. I have a new set of friends now. I only kept the ones that didn't ghost or ignore the cancer.
Wow, guess I was lucky. NO ONE who I considered a friend did that to me. But, I am not someone who is normally surrounded by a bigger group of "friends", usually have 2-3 very close ones for years. There was one co-worker at my office who backed off and didn't come around like she normally would, but someone told me that she had an overwhelming anxiety about cancer due to family histories. Months later she came up and apologized for being distant. We talked about it and I could tell she felt badly. She was very kind after that....baked me big casseroles, brought little treats to work, etc. People can and do change for the better.
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