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I am getting married soon. We are having the smallest, least traditional wedding you can imagine and paying for it all ourselves. Yet every time I think about it, I feel like I start to have a panic attack-- my heart beats faster, my palms sweat and I feel like all of my air supply has been cut off. I am dreading it if I am honest.
Its not the getting married part itself, its all of the family stuff. There will be drama. There has been drama leading up to this and there is no end in sight. And its not just my family, it is my fiancee's family as well. Imagining both of these groups in a small space together is enough to make me physically sick. There are too many issues to list-- for example, this week, fiancee's dad has chosen this occasion to bring his new girlfriend, who fiancee's mom has never met (they have not been divorced long). Dad's girlfriend was not invited but dad mentioned his guest a few days ago-- fiancee and I had no idea she existed. Fiancee's mom is not reacting well. Both are traveling from far out of state. Mom wants dad to come solo and dad is determined to rub mom's face in the fact that he has moved on. Both are threatening not to attend if we don't do what they want.
I wanted to elope but its too late now. I am getting depressed over the sheer number of stupid things that are happening because of this wedding. I keep a low profile with my family but there was no way around inviting certain members but not others. I just want to grit my teeth and get through it but as it gets closer I find myself fantasizing about calling it all off. Not because I have doubts about getting married, but because I don't want to deal with these people. And most of the time I can live in my bubble and avoid them. Sartre was indeed correct-- hell is other people-- and there are only a handful of them among our 40 guests that will behave themselves and actually contribute to an enjoyable day.
You can only control your own actions and reactions. If other human adults can't act like decent people for a few hours, then that's embarrassing for them, but it has nothing to do with you. You're there to get married and enjoy the day. I'd "protective bubble barrier" myself and pretend I didn't know anyone who was acting like a dink. Anyone threatening to not attend should just not attend. Boundaries. Set 'em up.
I see only two choices at this juncture: Either go on with it and let whatever chips fall or cancel it and "elope."
Neither is a "winning" proposition, but the people that would be unhappy will be unhappy regardless of whether they come to a wedding or are told now that there will be no wedding. I suppose there are airline tickets involved and caterers, etc. Are these relationships going to be improved or destroyed by attending your wedding? Doesn't sound like it. They already are not good.
Either resolve to put up with whatever happens for a few hours or call it off. If his mom and dad are already threatening not to attend (if you don't do – what exactly?), let them. You can fix that particular wagon right now by not caving into their inability to behave as adults.
I see only two choices at this juncture: Either go on with it and let whatever chips fall or cancel it and "elope."
Neither is a "winning" proposition, but the people that would be unhappy will be unhappy regardless of whether they come to a wedding or are told now that there will be no wedding. I suppose there are airline tickets involved and caterers, etc. Are these relationships going to be improved or destroyed by attending your wedding? Doesn't sound like it. They already are not good.
Either resolve to put up with whatever happens for a few hours or call it off. If his mom and dad are already threatening not to attend (if you don't do – what exactly?), let them. You can fix that particular wagon right now by not caving into their inability to behave as adults.
Mom wants us to disinvite dad. Dad wants to be able to bring his new girlfriend who is not technically invited. If that happens, and we don't forbid dad that guest, mom doesn't come. If we disinvite dad, he will pull the plug on other guests who we actually would like to see but because they are his side of the family, none will come. Its a non win situation. In fact, the whole event is this way. If we call it off, we are inconveniencing some of the guests we would really like to see as they will have to travel and cancel those plans. Maybe we can offer to reimburse them.
The point is not if the relationship with these people will be improved or destroyed. The point is my mental health and well being. The drama is easier to ignore if its not in your physical space.
My fiancee wants to see certain people. Which means the show will go on despite the almost daily bombshells about nonsense. I need some Xanax.
Mom wants us to disinvite dad. Dad wants to be able to bring his new girlfriend who is not technically invited. If that happens, and we don't forbid dad that guest, mom doesn't come. If we disinvite dad, he will pull the plug on other guests who we actually would like to see but because they are his side of the family, none will come. Its a non win situation. In fact, the whole event is this way. If we call it off, we are inconveniencing some of the guests we would really like to see as they will have to travel and cancel those plans. Maybe we can offer to reimburse them.
The point is not if the relationship with these people will be improved or destroyed. The point is my mental health and well being. The drama is easier to ignore if its not in your physical space.
My fiancee wants to see certain people. Which means the show will go on despite the almost daily bombshells about nonsense. I need some Xanax.
You can't disinvite your parents.
Can you remind them that this is your wedding and not their battle ground on which they can fight out their extended sordid divorce grudges? Just tell both of them that you are all adults and you would like them to put aside their differences on this day and let you relax and enjoy the moment.
It may make you feel better and relieve some of that anxiety to express it.
I see only two choices at this juncture: Either go on with it and let whatever chips fall or cancel it and "elope."
Neither is a "winning" proposition, but the people that would be unhappy will be unhappy regardless of whether they come to a wedding or are told now that there will be no wedding. I suppose there are airline tickets involved and caterers, etc. Are these relationships going to be improved or destroyed by attending your wedding? Doesn't sound like it. They already are not good.
Either resolve to put up with whatever happens for a few hours or call it off. If his mom and dad are already threatening not to attend (if you don't do – what exactly?), let them. You can fix that particular wagon right now by not caving into their inability to behave as adults.
Mom wants us to disinvite dad. Dad wants to be able to bring his new girlfriend who is not technically invited. If that happens, and we don't forbid dad that guest, mom doesn't come. If we disinvite dad, he will pull the plug on other guests who we actually would like to see but because they are his side of the family, none will come. Its a non win situation. In fact, the whole event is this way. If we call it off, we are inconveniencing some of the guests we would really like to see as they will have to travel and cancel those plans. Maybe we can offer to reimburse them.
The point is not if the relationship with these people will be improved or destroyed. The point is my mental health and well being. The drama is easier to ignore if its not in your physical space.
My fiancee wants to see certain people. Which means the show will go on despite the almost daily bombshells about nonsense. I need some Xanax.
I'm so so sorry your parents cannot be mature about this and just put their own feelings aside for "YOUR" day...so childish....I'm sorry, but they don't have to talk to each other, they could just show up, and yeah, it will be very uncomfortable for your mom, but, grow the heck up, this is YOUR day....
Can you remind them that this is your wedding and not their battle ground on which they can fight out their extended sordid divorce grudges? Just tell both of them that you are all adults and you would like them to put aside their differences on this day and let you relax and enjoy the moment.
It may make you feel better and relieve some of that anxiety to express it.
The point is not if the relationship with these people will be improved or destroyed. The point is my mental health and well being. The drama is easier to ignore if its not in your physical space.
My fiancee wants to see certain people. Which means the show will go on despite the almost daily bombshells about nonsense. I need some Xanax.
In this case, see your doctor. A reasonable dosage to tamp down your anxiety level may help.
Agreed. Here is where you find out if you are marrying a man or just someone who goes along to get along. Make him deal with it.
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