Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My mom always said my dad tried to buy people's affection by gifting them with things - sometimes they were things we still needed -like her vaccum cleaner or my high chair, etc.
I find myself doing the same thing - I guess it is to try to win their friendship, as he did.
I crochet, paint, sew, bake, or just outright buy stuff for people. Old friends and family and new ones, too.
Sometimes I go to quite a bit of trouble on these items and I can say, rarely, do I get much thanks for them.
I've cut back lately, except for my niece and one old friend, as looking at the totality of my "giving" I feel I've been a chump.
Anyone else find themselves being overly generous and to not much benefit?
Thanks.
Your father gave away the family vacuum cleaner? And your high chair?
That's pretty desperate neediness. And it's likely to be viewed that way by most others.
I know it's unfair but people tend to shy away from emotionally-needy people. You haven't been a chump. You're now realizing that it didn't work for your father and it's not going to work for you, either. That's progress.
Are you a good listener? Could you give someone the gift of your attention instead of something they're just going to have to dust?
What benefit are you expecting? It sounds like you need to review the definition of GIFT.
If you give these things expected something in return, then they aren't gifts.
It sounds like you need to analyze your expectations or your motivation.
^^^I think this is the main problem. OP, you said it yourself in your post--you're trying to buy friendship. Giving people things and expecting gratitude and friendship in return isn't being generous, it's manipulation.
Beyond that, whoever you're being overly generous with might feel guilty that they can't (or don't want) to equally reciprocate, they might feel like they owe you now and don't want to keep becoming more "indebt," or they might sense that the gifts come with strings attached.
Or it might just be gifts they don't want. Just because you give someone something, doesn't mean it's something they can use or like. There's a big difference between thoughtful gifts ("I crocheted you this hat since you lost your only hat at the bus stop yesterday.") and thoughtless gifts (giving someone a crochet blanket to "be nice" even though you have no idea how many blankets they already own or if they even like crochet items).
What benefit are you expecting? It sounds like you need to review the definition of GIFT.
If you give these things expected something in return, then they aren't gifts.
It sounds like you need to analyze your expectations or your motivation.
^^^ This.
I suggest you use your talents to crochet blankets, hats, scarves, mitts, and donate them to hospitals, nursing homes, homeless shelters, women's shelters, places where they would be needed and appreciated.
My mom always said my dad tried to buy people's affection by gifting them with things - sometimes they were things we still needed -like her vaccum cleaner or my high chair, etc.
I find myself doing the same thing - I guess it is to try to win their friendship, as he did.
I crochet, paint, sew, bake, or just outright buy stuff for people. Old friends and family and new ones, too.
Sometimes I go to quite a bit of trouble on these items and I can say, rarely, do I get much thanks for them.
I've cut back lately, except for my niece and one old friend, as looking at the totality of my "giving" I feel I've been a chump.
Anyone else find themselves being overly generous and to not much benefit?
Thanks.
You are thinking that others enjoy the things you enjoy.
I do not think ypu are a chump. I do think you have learned that people often do not want the gifts you have been giving. So, chalk this up to experience, and if you want to show appreciation to a friend, take them for coffee, or spend a while listening to them and showing interest in their lives.
The language of gifts is a legit way to express your love. No need to apologize.
I've tried to speak it and also feel like i'm 'buying' love. I was uncomfortable receiving gifts. My husband LOVED receiving gifts, and literally felt like I didnt' love him because I was all 'Shrug....what could I buy him that he can't buy for himself?" H was terrible at choosing gifts for others but took it very personally if they were not absolutely thrilled by what he picked.
My mom always said my dad tried to buy people's affection by gifting them with things - sometimes they were things we still needed -like her vaccum cleaner or my high chair, etc.
I find myself doing the same thing - I guess it is to try to win their friendship, as he did.
I crochet, paint, sew, bake, or just outright buy stuff for people. Old friends and family and new ones, too.
Sometimes I go to quite a bit of trouble on these items and I can say, rarely, do I get much thanks for them.
I've cut back lately, except for my niece and one old friend, as looking at the totality of my "giving" I feel I've been a chump.
Anyone else find themselves being overly generous and to not much benefit?
Thanks.
I used to think that exchanging small gifts, little "thinking of you" gestures, was normal in friendships. I also used to put thought into Christmas presents for close relatives. I've learned that you should be selective about whom you chose to to make such gestures to. A lot of people don't really appreciate it, or take it for granted. It may mean you need to be more selective about choosing your friends, in general, too.
That's weird that your dad would actually give away family appliances, OP. Like the vacuum cleaner. It's also weird that he'd think of it as "hers", not "ours".
I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that you're trying to buy anyone's affection, personally. Maybe your idea of friendship and other close relationships is that people do thoughtful little gestures for each other, to demonstrate their caring. I don't see anything wrong with that, as long as the people you're involving in this are on the same page as you. That's where the tricky part is. A lot of people aren't on that page.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
