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Marissa, your Mom who has seen the interchange may have it right. The issue may be that she simply has nothing left to say to you. It's quite possible to be truly delighted to hear from an old friend and for the opportunity to catchup but then not have enough in common to maintain a lengthly or frequent e-mail correspondence. Sixteen years is a long time, you live in different cities and so won't be able integrate each other into your daily lives today.
Even though you describe her as a one-time best friend, in these matters there still is a delicate reciprocal process that needs to take place to establish any "new" relationship. Both partners should move in tandem with neither more forward than the other in determining any new balance. No one person's emails should be longer than the other's nor contain more questions or perhaps be sent more frequently or in shorter intervals. Also look to see if the subject matters "match."
I, too, reconnected with a very good friend after about 30 years and like, you, was delighted. But the e-mails never stopped and as soon as I answered one there was another chock full of questions or descriptions of mundane life events in my in box. Too much, too soon.
But if that pattern does not apply to your exchange with "Maria" and she just simply stopped - then that's it. If she is ill or depressed her wish for privacy needs to be respected.
Maybe send her an online greeting during the next Holiday Season with a very short message that does not solicit a response. If you think you overdid it, then perhaps make a wry reference to your "e-mail-itis" and say you've recovered! Then leave it up to her for the reality is that Maria is not really a current friend. Her non-response falls less into the category of ignoring you than that of a friendship not yet rekindled.
. She gave me her phone number and I gave her mine. I wrote her another email. Nada. Wrote her six more emails since. Still nothing. Decided not to phone her.
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Some people don't check email and although they'll give out their email, they may rarely check it. Or it's possible she accidentally deleted some of her emails or they went into spam.
I would never, ever just use ONE method of contact. I'd follow it up with a phone call or a text or something. Otherwise, you can't assume the person is ignoring you.
This whole getting-back-in-touch thing can be so weird.
I've had two people get in touch after many years and want to chat. One had been outraged that I forgot I was to be at the airport to pick her up and screamed at me to get there ASAP. Then she never spoke to me again. The other called the president of the company I worked for and tried to get me fired. (Fortunately his secretary intercepted the call.)
Now they both want to be buddy-buddy. You've got to be kidding me! All I can say is some people must have very selective memories. Why would I ever trust either of them?
Some people don't check email and although they'll give out their email, they may rarely check it. Or it's possible she accidentally deleted some of her emails or they went into spam.
I would never, ever just use ONE method of contact. I'd follow it up with a phone call or a text or something. Otherwise, you can't assume the person is ignoring you.
I agree. It could be something innocuous. I check my email, but am not the best with actual responses. I may sit down on the weekend to respond and then have to go somewhere, think I responded, and then a month later wonder why I‘ve heard nothing. I go into my drafts and realize that I never actually sent the email... I also have friends who are pretty good at keeping up, but sometimes life happens and I don’t hear from them for several months. These days, I tend to do better with text messages or some sort of messaging system.
Here's the situation. Four months ago I reconnected with my best friend from high school. Let's call her Maria. I hadn't spoken to her in nearly 16 years. Never had any fights or fallouts. We just lost touch after graduation. I looked for her on social networks and finally found her profile on LinkedIn. She moved to another city.
She wrote that she was really touched that I made the effort to find her and that we should resume our friendship. We exchanged two more emails after that: basically telling each what we've been up to since we last saw each other, reminiscing about our other friends, etc. She gave me her phone number and I gave her mine. I wrote her another email. Nada. Wrote her six more emails since. Still nothing. Decided not to phone her.
I'm just stunned here. Now, I know that no one is under any obligation to talk to me. I can take hints and read between the lines. I have a life and a few close friends. For example, a couple of years ago I contacted one of my acquaintances from college. We were never close but still got on really well. We exchanged a couple of phone calls and emails. Last year, I sent her a Christmas greeting and she hasn't replied since. I decided to leave it at that. Recently, my best friend didn't call me for two months and ignored my messages. I had a feeling she would that. I didn't take it personally because I know what goes in her private life. She finally called me two weeks ago and invited me for lunch at her house over the weekend.
In this case, there's nothing to read between the lines: just silence. I asked my mother for advice and she said that Maria probably thinks that those couple of emails we exchanged are enough. After all, there's nothing to discuss after so many years. I agree with that. I'm not expecting to stay in touch every week or month. However, I'm just baffled as to why she decided to just cut me off after writing how glad she was that I found her. I didn't write anything that would upset her.
Also, I feel like this is currently a one-way street. I'm the one who made the effort to find her. I don't want to send her anymore emails and I certainly don't want to call her. I feel this makes me look needy and desperate. Still, I would feel bad if I find out later on that she can't get in touch with me because of illness or depression, etc.
What would you do?
Thank you in advance.
Short answer: I'd do nothing.
If I heard from someone out of the blue after sixteen years, I'd be very surprised. If there wasn't some particular reason for looking me up, I'd assume the person was lonely and needy. That tends to turn people off.
Look for ways to connect with people in the here and now. You won't get anywhere trying to rekindle friendships from the distant past.
If I heard from someone out of the blue after sixteen years, I'd be very surprised. If there wasn't some particular reason for looking me up, I'd assume the person was lonely and needy. That tends to turn people off.
Look for ways to connect with people in the here and now. You won't get anywhere trying to rekindle friendships from the distant past.
If your best friend from high school was lonely, you wouldn't want to help them out and let them into your life a little bit to see if you might be able to help them out and maybe rekindle an old part of your life while you're at it?
Well, what I would have done would be to telephone, and stop emailing.
I've never figured out why people make a fuss about getting in touch again. After all, if either of you wanted to find the other, you probably could have.
It could be something that has nothing to do with you. Maybe she put on 100 pounds and is so embarrassed by it, she doesn't want to encourage reconnecting because she doesn't want you to know how heavy she has gotten. That's just one example. A lot can change in a person's life after many years and sometimes it's for the worse.
I'd call. The worst that could happen is you'll get a brush off. But at least you will know.
I wouldn't have written six times. I would have called after the 2nd or 3rd unanswered email to ask if she was ok. If she is on Facebook you could see if she is active if her posts are public.
I thought about calling her. Here's the thing. Why should I? She has my number plus my Skype name. I sent her a Skype request as well. She said she would check it and still nothing. When I discussed this with my mother and said that maybe I should call her, my mother said this: "Don't even think about it. By not replying to you, she's telling you loud and clear that she wants no further communication at this point. She'll just see your area code and not answer."
My boyfriend also said that I should just let if cool off for now. He said that she might think that I'm becoming a bit stalkerish at this point. I sent her an Easter card. I contacted a few other people on Easter as well and they all got back to me. Maria is not on Facebook. I did see her posts as recently as last week on another site. I won't say which one. So, I know that she has access to her email.
Again, I'm very busy with work right now and have good friends and a great boyfriend. So, it's not something that I'm obsessing over. My mother reconnected with a couple of her childhood friends a few years ago. They last saw each other when they were in their early 20s. They email each other and chat on Facebook about every three months. Actually, one of the friends is now retired and living in Spain. She even invited us to stay with her. I guess it's possible to rekindle old friendships.
Last edited by Marissa23; 05-14-2018 at 07:05 PM..
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