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You may not like it, but it's the truth. If I were talking to a woman, I would be giving her very similar advice.
The majority of people who have arrived at their late 20s or early 30s without establishing a lasting relationship are defective. They range from self-centered and untrustworthy through selfish, exploitative, manipulative, abusive and dishonest. Any inexperienced guy looking for a romantic partner needs to keep his wits about him and not be overwhelmed by a pretty face. That's why getting to know someone before you date them is so important.
I'm a guy, and this is more than beyond false. Not automatically true (for all cases that is) whatsoever.
I actually have met up with someone from CD in person over ice cream. We had a great talk. Kind of a friend-date thing.
We haven't really stayed in touch, but it's my understanding that she had some life stuff that required her full attention for a while (and in all fairness, so have I) so it's all good.
I sometimes wish we could have a C-D convention event somewhere, that anyone who wanted to, could travel to and meet other posters. I know some people would not be interested in shedding anonymity, but some of us would. In person, I'm very much the way I am online. Nothing much to hide, ya know...
I have thought of that, too.
I've met two people from CD. One I met for coffee, and he took me to a fairly significant art museum in my state that I'd never been to, and because I'd mentioned that I know very little about investing and that is what he taught before he retired, he made me up a little basic primer. We will probably meet up for coffee again sometime. I consider him a friend.
It's like by the time you get to my age, you either already are married with kids on the way, or you were popular and still in contact with most everyone. Me, I can go out practically anytime and not see anyone I know, so I am very isolated.
By the time I was 25, I found this to be true also. Everyone I knew, was now married. Some with children already. Totally different worlds. I would look for friends elsewhere such as elderly, retired people or men friends. Your friends don't have to be people who are the same age and same gender. People who were popular their whole lives have never struggled to make friends and they likely won't make an effort, so these aren't people who would be on my radar, either.
What about joining a gym?
I have mixed feelings about being friends with neighbors but that's another way to meet people.
What about at work?
Maybe it's a regional thing, but most people don't make friendships at gyms where I live. They tend to go there strictly for utilitarian reasons: to work out and stay healthy. And they usually come alone or with one friend/spotter. I'm not sure how to even make friends at a gym; maybe by joining aerobics classes, which most men don't do.
I agree with you on neighbors. I live in an apartment building, and prefer to keep some friendly distance with my neighbors too.
Work? Nah! It's never a good idea to intermingle your work and your personal life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla
By the time I was 25, I found this to be true also. Everyone I knew, was now married. Some with children already. Totally different worlds. I would look for friends elsewhere such as elderly, retired people or men friends. Your friends don't have to be people who are the same age and same gender. People who were popular their whole lives have never struggled to make friends and they likely won't make an effort, so these aren't people who would be on my radar, either.
When I was 25, my social life was still going strong. Most people in my social circle were still single, which means no one was required to stay home every weekend, so we all partied pretty hard at every opportunity. My hangouts were actually less varied than a few years later, because Meetup didn't exist yet. Later, for a good while, I hung out with both long-time friends and Meetup groups, and even intermingled the two to an extent. The social lives of people I know didn't start to tank until we were in our early 30's; then, it was downhill from there.
I went to church for a number of years, but gradually most of my friends left and I was tired of going and feeling like I didn't fit in. It was that plus other issues I was having that caused me to stop going. I would like to go to a church again, but I don't have any friends that go to any, and let's face you're not going to find 29 year olds or people in that age group at church. If I wanted to hang out with old people I could hang out with my own family but hopefully the old people at church would be a lot nicer. Plus for me to just show up at a church without knowing anyone would be very unlikely.
I'm a member of a gym and I've had the same experience you have. Most there come alone or with one or two others. If they see people they know or other regulars they might talk but otherwise they're not going to attempt conversation with you unless you're a bodybuilder or something. I can remember only a couple of times anyone has ever spoken to me at the gym. I don't think you can make friends there.
Let's face if volunteer work after an almost 50 hour a week job just doesn't sound too appealing, especially when you just want some down time. I'd think most volunteer because they like the cause, I wouldn't expect to meet people there either.
I've met people online and met groups of them in person. That's ok, but it's not the same as having a local friend group.
Me, I can go out practically anytime and not see anyone I know, so I am very isolated.
Welcome to my life. The last friends I had were in Jr High. After that, I rarely had a good relationship with others. I guess I didn't care to maintain them as I didn't see value in them (Or didn't value them). If they liked me or I liked them more, then it might have been different. But since I am probably an excessive introvert, I shun many opportunities to make friends as I just don't care to maintain them.
I've also been going to a church. I haven't gone for the past 4 weeks and frankly I don't miss it. Sure there's been some people who have been friendly and I even was going to a Wednesday Bible study, but had to stop that due to my working graveyard. That may be a clue to my personality, I work at night so I don't have to deal with people during the day.
I think there is a possibility you have been impacted by the negative thoughts about yourself within your own mind. I’m not discounting that you haven’t experienced what has happened, I just think you may be hurting your self esteem and your outlook by personalizing your circumstances. You are not what happens to you like a magnet for bad luck. If you are interested in anything faith based, I suggest Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. I haven’t read it, but I’ve seen it displayed in book stores.
Because you have social anxiety, stop focusing on the idea that you wish you had a friend or two. Concentrate on activities that involve groups. That takes the pressure off that you might experience in a one on one outing. Look for Bible studies (if you lean towards that), volunteering, attending a church, attending a hobby group, etc. That might blossom into other types of social opportunities. It will get you comfortable enough as one on one activities might become available. No matter how small your town, there should be some form of these opportunities.
I also encourage you to expand your social scene beyond your age group since you are over twenty five years old. There are a lot of great older people out there who may be older than you who might share your interests or you will enjoy.
I will also stress that friends are great, but I have personally found that family can often be more close and lasting. Across my life, I have been close to mine. I know you had a hard upbringing, but you still have the potential to marry and have children of your own in a positive and productive environment. If you have any, children often create social opportunities by having to deal with other parents, etc. As they age and mature, you can develop meaningful relationships with them that move from parenting to family friendships. I count some of my family relationships as my favorite. Based on your own upbringing, do not discount the value of family. It can bring you a lot of joy.
Good luck!
Last edited by ClassicGal; 05-28-2018 at 07:37 PM..
I live in a big metro area, so you can take my tips with a grain of salt.
I am rapidly approaching 40 and my social life is better now than it was in my late 20s.
I have some single friends, coupled friends and married friends. I see the married with kids friends the least but they live the furthest (40-50 miles).
My friends are college friends, former coworkers, people from meetups, people from book clubs, people from networking events, and friends of friends.
I have multiple circles, so some one in one circle somewhere is always doing something fun. Or I can be the initiator. It gets to be too much and I decline some invitations.
You do have to make some sort of effort though. Get involved with something you like to do. Volunteer. Join an excercise class/running club/volunteer group. Take classes at the community college or community center. Fill your life with stuff to do and you’ll find friends.
If you stay home and watch Netflix, don’t be shocked your circle dries up.
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