Finding my mom difficult and very selfish and rude. Need advice. (jealous, siblings)
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Which is it, did she say 'that dress would show flab', or did she say 'flab will hang out of your dress'? They aren't the same thing, but if you are self conscious or have low self esteem I could see that you might interpret it that way.
I don't see the difference. Either way, she's pointing out that her daughter has flab.
We can read between the lines and distinguish between a description of a typical imperfect, but caring mother and a truly bad, toxic mother. Most of us are not reading the latter of the two.
Your responses point to a possible problem with your perception and interpretation.
And without hearing a recording of her exact words, how do we know you haven't exaggerated, twisted, or added/subtracted from what she really said?
You sound like a person who might be suffering from low self esteem. Are you an adoptee? Or...
Are you the eldest, who got used to having both of your parents to yourself ? Once your younger sibling came along did you find ways to bait your mother/parents into giving you negative attention because it put attention back on you and took it off the other(s)? Remember this old saying: "Negative attention is better than no attention. " That is a unproductive cycle of behavior many people get themselves into. Oftentimes, it can be seen through your type of complaints.
In other words, OP, I think (along with some others here) that you may really be the problem.
Last edited by picklejuice; 05-31-2018 at 09:13 PM..
I don't see the difference. Either way, she's pointing out that her daughter has flab.
No she isn't, one is just a comment that the dress is revealing of flaws, on anyone. It's a comment about the dress, not a comment about the daughter.
If these discussions are taking place on chat or thru texting it can be difficult to distinguish meaning. I generally get along great with my own daughter, but there are times when we go back and forth over stupid stuff like this because it is so very easy to misinterpret remarks made in complete innocence that one or the other person takes the wrong way. Sometimes we talk it through and one of us will have a lightbulb moment, other times it's an agree to disagree kind of thing.
But Op is taking some stuff that seems relatively inoffensive and taking it as an attack upon her. Maybe it would help to step back and think that maybe every comment her mother makes is not aimed at putting her down.
OP, thirteen years ago this August I called my mother to tell her I was getting married. She laughed derisively as if it were the funniest thing she had ever heard.
After about a minute of this I said I had to go and that I would call her back later. I didn't, of course. It took her a month for her to figure out I wasn't going to.
I resumed talking to her on a very limited basis but never forgave her. I've been no-contact with her for the past three years because her shenanigans became even more unacceptable after I was married. I have no idea if she's alive or dead. I was raised in a household without love from either parent and when I finally get the word she's gone, I just might do a little dance.
We can read between the lines and distinguish between a description of a typical imperfect, but caring mother and a truly bad, toxic mother. Most of us are not reading the latter of the two.
Your responses point to a possible problem with your perception, not your mother.
And without hearing a recording of her exact words, how do we know you haven't exaggerated, twisted, or added/subtracted from what she really said?
You sound like a person who might be suffering from low self esteem. Are you an adoptee? Or...
Are you the eldest, who got used to having both of your parents to yourself ? Once your younger sibling came along did you find ways to bait your parents into giving you negative attention because it puts it back attention on you and takes it off the other(s)? Remember this old saying: "Negative attention is better than no attention. " That is a cycle many people get themselves into. Oftentimes, it manifests in your type of complaints.
In other words, OP, I think (along with others here) it's you who is really the problem.
Wow. How do you know if literally ANYTHING posted in this forum is true? You doubt what the OP said, but you just completely made up your own scenario. the OP didn't call her mother "toxic." She called her "difficult, selfish, and rude." Not sure why that's hard for you to believe.
No she isn't, one is just a comment that the dress is revealing of flaws, on anyone. It's a comment about the dress, not a comment about the daughter.
If these discussions are taking place on chat or thru texting it can be difficult to distinguish meaning. I generally get along great with my own daughter, but there are times when we go back and forth over stupid stuff like this because it is so very easy to misinterpret remarks made in complete innocence that one or the other person takes the wrong way. Sometimes we talk it through and one of us will have a lightbulb moment, other times it's an agree to disagree kind of thing.
But Op is taking some stuff that seems relatively inoffensive and taking it as an attack upon her. Maybe it would help to step back and think that maybe every comment her mother makes is not aimed at putting her down.
A dress can't reveal flaws that aren't there. This is one of the silliest defenses I've ever read on this forum and that's really saying something. Beginning to wonder if you're one of these kinds of parents. My mom gets very defensive when I point out that she said something rude or offensive. She acts like my feelings don't matter and I'm just being silly. No parent should ever discount their child's feelings. It's really quite dysfunctional.
We can read between the lines and distinguish between a description of a typical imperfect, but caring mother and a truly bad, toxic mother. Most of us are not reading the latter of the two.
Your responses point to a possible problem with your perception, not your mother.
And without hearing a recording of her exact words, how do we know you haven't exaggerated, twisted, or added/subtracted from what she really said?
You sound like a person who might be suffering from low self esteem. Are you an adoptee? Or...
Are you the eldest, who got used to having both of your parents to yourself ? Once your younger sibling came along did you find ways to bait your parents into giving you negative attention because it puts it back attention on you and takes it off the other(s)? Remember this old saying: "Negative attention is better than no attention. " That is a cycle many people get themselves into. Oftentimes, it manifests in your type of complaints.
In other words, OP, I think (along with others here) it's you who is really the problem.
Judgmental much? Everything you have said is all speculation and completely wrong. I’m the youngest, I’m not adopted, and I moved away from my hometown. I don’t think I’m taking it the wrong way. I have sent screen shots to my friends of what my mother has said to me to see if perhaps I was taking it the wrong way, and not one person has said they think that. Actually, every single person has said they think my mom is pretty spiteful to me.
Or maybe she knows her mother a lot better than you do.
Being her daughter for 28 years might have something to do with that.
I'm sure anything is possible, even the possibility that maybe her mother isn't trying to put her down? That's all I'm suggesting because the examples given by the OP don't strike me as awful, they strike me as possible misunderstandings, or maybe a busybody mom who is intrusive but not intending to be mean.
I know that it could be otherwise and her mom could be a raging witch, but I'm not seeing anything so far to suggest that. Saying that as someone who rarely speaks to her own raging witch who has said and done some truly bizarre and hurtful things.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat
A dress can't reveal flaws that aren't there. This is one of the silliest defenses I've ever read on this forum and that's really saying something.
Obviously you don't get nuance. Can you tell the difference if I say 'brown dresses are ugly' and 'that brown dress makes you look ugly'?
Wow. How do you know if literally ANYTHING posted in this forum is true? You doubt what the OP said, but you just completely made up your own scenario. the OP didn't call her mother "toxic." She called her "difficult, selfish, and rude." Not sure why that's hard for you to believe.
Just like the OP, you have misinterpreted everything I asked and offered.
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
IMO, the OP just wants strangers to commiserate with, and is not really looking for honest opinions. Anyone who disagrees with her assessment of her mother is quickly dismissed and/ or attacked.
I have a feeling many of you who side with her in such a fierce way also have/had poor relationships with parents, and are just looking for an outlet and people to complain to and garner sympathy from.
The reality? Almost everyone plays some part in their own misery or problems (real or perceived) in some way, shape, or form.
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