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I've had some helpful and insightful replies here, and I've had some snarky, missing-the-point replies as well (I've come to expect that on CD unfortunately).
In summary (and ignoring the irrelevant side-tracks that some responses have taken):
I cannot fathom being 38 and having no savings, yet quitting a job, and moving across the country without having housing and a job and a doable budget in place, then asking dad to cover the cost of a plane ticket and cross-country moving van. If all of that is not financially irresponsible, I don't know what is. And I feel like hub is being a contributor to that irresponsibility.
As I mentioned before, I had a brief conversation with hub about my concerns a week or so ago, so he does know my thoughts on the matter. (This was the very first time in 10 years that I brought up my concerns about his kids' finances and bailing them out).
Now, having read various opinions here, and giving it more thought, I have decided that for now it would not be helpful to bring it up with hub again. Perhaps in future instances when his kids ask for money, our conversation about enabling and harming will come back to his mind. Or maybe not. Either way, it's his kids.
While I strongly believe giving them the tools and mindset to be independent would be far more helpful than giving them money (the "teach a man to fish" strategy), I will leave that choice to him.
I've had some helpful and insightful replies here, and I've had some snarky, missing-the-point replies as well (I've come to expect that on CD unfortunately).
In summary (and ignoring the irrelevant side-tracks that some responses have taken):
I cannot fathom being 38 and having no savings, yet quitting a job, and moving across the country without having housing and a job and a doable budget in place, then asking dad to cover the cost of a plane ticket and cross-country moving van. If all of that is not financially irresponsible, I don't know what is. And I feel like hub is being a contributor to that irresponsibility.
As I mentioned before, I had a brief conversation with hub about my concerns a week or so ago, so he does know my thoughts on the matter. (This was the very first time in 10 years that I brought up my concerns about his kids' finances and bailing them out).
Now, having read various opinions here, and giving it more thought, I have decided that for now it would not be helpful to bring it up with hub again. Perhaps in future instances when his kids ask for money, our conversation about enabling and harming will come back to his mind. Or maybe not. Either way, it's his kids.
While I strongly believe giving them the tools and mindset to be independent would be far more helpful than giving them money (the "teach a man to fish" strategy), I will leave that choice to him.
Over and out.
sounds like a good plan.
I actually know a 55 year old like this. His mom pays his child support !!! what's worst he has a law degree and a license to practice. passed the bar in Pa and will get a job every once in a while. His excuse?? he hates being a lawyer and wants to be a lumberjack and doesn't have much in the way of savings. I swear I am not making this up. Yet his parents take him on yearly European trips and give him cash to make other big purchases. so it's not uncommon.
My take though is at 38, 45, 55 etc how much are these people going to change??? these are lessons that should have been learned long ago so that ship has sailed.
Oh good! I was skipping to the end before attempting to post that this is one of those issues you probably shouldn't get in the middle of. Beyond that point there be dragons.
I have a niece in her early 40s, does not work, husband has untreated adult ADHD and has difficulty holding a job. Two young kids, and often there is literally no food in the house. Although I refuse to give them money, I continue to enable them by buying groceries and helping the little kids with cloths, etc. It is highly annoying but, I've been to the house, seen the empty refrigerator and just feel like I can't let the kids suffer because their parents are deadbeats. People will say, call child protective services - done that repeatedly, they do Nothing. Very frustrating.
I'm in my second marriage, and I've always known that hub and I had (and continue to have) different parenting styles with our kids (they were all grown by the time we met).
I've seen some horrible effects of enabling grown kids to continue to rely on their parents. My own kids knew they had to work for what they wanted, they paid/took loans/earned scholarships for most of their own college, and now at ages 26, 29, and 32 they all have great jobs and never need financial help from me.
My hub's 38-yr old son has a Masters degree but still asks for money sometimes. For example, he wants to fly to visit his brother next week, but didn't have money for a plane ticket; he also decided to move across the country later this month---no job yet in the new place, he just wanted to move---and he didn't have money for a moving van. So he asked his dad (my hub) if we would pay for those things. Hub gave him the money.
I am afraid hub is crippling his kids by bailing them out, rather than them understanding they need to get jobs that cover their needs and wants, or at least not make plans that they can't pay for. (Isn't that a pretty basic part of being an adult??) Plus, the fact that this son apparently doesn't have any savings is very worrying.
We can afford to help out (although with 7 kids between us it could add up if they ALL asked for money regularly), but it's the principle of the thing. I just think it's really wrong. Hub knows how I feel about it, but he still chooses to give money when his kids ask (the examples above were not the only times, just the most recent).
While it's not a battle I need to win, I am kind of fretting about the situation right now. So I just wondered what your thoughts are, and if there's a good way for hub and I to reconcile our different opinions on this.
I totally agree with you. There is a huge difference between "need" and "want" For me, as a parent of adult kids......that defines how much, if any financial help we give.
This sounds like an excuse for you to get something which you did not earn just cuz you have t*ts and a pu$--y.
You get half in a divorce and that is just a law. An outdated law that was written when men worked and women stayed home and cleaned and raised kids. I can see that back then. I don't see that now. Heck it seems like I see more young women these days becoming doctors than men. I always tell women who want money for nothing to become a doctor. I hear it pays well.
But I'm sure you would be ok with living "off your wife" if she was say a doctor making more than you? You have NO idea how a marriage works! It's a union and a merger of life in general. To me it seems you don't get that concept. When you marry someone it become "ours' not mine. There is no keeping tabs on who makes what, etc.
And BTW.........taking care of kids is a harder job than anything you will ever do!! So don't think a SAHM does nothing all day! They run the home by teaching the children, cleaning, organizing, cooking, accounting (paying bills), laundry, yard work, grocery shopping, etc. Honestly, I know many SAHM's that would rather go to work then to do everything else!
As far as the OP is concerned, it's a different situation all together and one that she needs to talk to her DH about.
I agree. No reason at all your husband should be subsidizing a 38 year old, educated, able-bodied son. Your husband is doing him no favors by handing his son money all of the time.
The other thing is....since you are married, the money he is giving away is half yours, so you are entitled to have a say in how that money is spent. I would not tolerate this wasteful spending. I know you said you can afford it, but that's not the point. It's money that should not be wasted that way and it's half YOUR money.
It would be one thing to help a kid who is in dire straights, for some life-or-death emergency or something that was out of the blue and a one time occurrence. But to paying for plane tickets or a move that the child just didn't bother to prepare for? Ridiculous!
You need to have a serious sit-down with your husband and tell him that this is not acceptable to you.
yes and he'll continue to give money behind your back
kayanne, just in case you check back in again to read more responses . . . here's mine.
I borrowed money from 'good ol' dad' on occasion. It was very difficult to save anything while raising a family and living in a very high cost-of-living area. Sometimes, minor emergencies occurred. But, I always paid it back, eventually.
After my dad died, I helped my mom clear out his "junk", and we came across a little notebook where he detailed when and how much money he lent to each of his six kids. And noted when the "loan" was repaid. We never knew he kept such a log! In the subsequent years, as my mom started facing her own mortality, she would distribute some of her funds to her children. The 'better now than at the reading of the will' thing.
She used that log book to equalize distributions from the estate. Those who borrowed and didn't pay back received nothing or less than those of us who didn't borrow or had already paid back. In the end, by the time my mom died, everything was "paid back" and liquidating the estate was simple, with all survivors receiving equal shares.
Just a simple record-keeping mechanism that you and your husband might consider using. Then when both of you are gone and one child is surprised at not receiving an equal share, the documentation exists to justify to him/her and the other children the reasons why.
Yes, I do think hub may feel some guilt, over the fact that his ex still gives the kids money (her money comes from us as alimony, so even those gifts to the kids are kinda from us, haha!) and maybe he doesn't want to look cheap compared to their mom. And also guilt over creating this situation in the first place (encouraging son to "pursue his dream" in art, instead of getting a job with a liveable wage, and having set a precedent of bailing him out.)
An art degree at the MA level is plenty marketable. He could work full-time teaching art, by covering two different schools; this kind of thing isn't unusual these days, or by being THE art teacher for all grades in a private K-12 school, or Middle/Highschool combination. Alternatively, he could get a certificate in computer animation, which would be highly marketable in LA (Hollywood). That pays quite well. There's decent potential with an MA in art. Maybe hubs should conference with his ex, to agree on a strategy together to boost the kid (ha-- "kid") to the next level, to become fully self-supporting. It shouldn't be too hard, if the ex would agree.
That is NOT the law, and alimony is pretty rare now days.
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Plus, the fact that this son apparently doesn't have any savings is very worrying.
