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I'll admit that I am guilty of asking people where they are from - white, black, Asian, etc. I find it an interesting topic that leads to more questions/answers. If someone says Pennsylvania or DC then I have a commonality with them. Or if they say New York, then I tell them that's where my parents are from and tell them where, etc. If they tell me a part of the country I have visited, then I mention what I liked about their part of the country. I never thought it was an insulting question.
I also am very interested in genealogy and have been tracing my family tree on off for about 30 years. While I don't usually start out asking where people came from before coming to the US, sometimes the conversation drifts there, and I find it very interesting. How people landed where they did is fascinating to me. For the record, I'm white and Jewish and come from Philadelphia. My parents are New Yorkers and their parents or grandparents came to the US between 1885 and 1921 from Eastern Europe (Russia/Poland/Austria-Hungary/Ukraine) in search of a better life.
There's nothing wrong with asking a person of color where they're from after you've established rapport with them but if you ask that first or second thing upon meeting or approaching them, it really leaves a shallow impression of you.
I can't believe the touchiness and chip on the shoulder some people have. A black coworker asked me "what I was", meaning my ethnicity/nationality. I answered her, but realized I couldn't ask her the same question (light skin, caucasian features) without offending her in some way.
When did we have to start walking on egg shells when conversing with people? Seems like it has gotten really out of control.
Reminded me that I was once amused when a black neighbor asked me if I was Italian. I was astonished by the question because I am a six-foot-tall female. Italian MEN are rarely as tall as I am. How could she possibly have thought I was Italian? Besides the red hair and freckles. Then I realized she probably just sees "white" and didn't realize that there are physical differences between white people depending upon where in Europe their ancestors come from.
They invited us over for a party. They usually cooked traditional southern soul food, but she informed me that they were having "white-people" food, which turned out to be chicken parm and ziti, lol. I didn't have the heart to tell her that a hundred years ago, Italians in this country weren't considered white and that I'd never eaten Italian food until I was an adult. To me, "white-people food" would be roast beef, mashed potatoes with gravy, green beans, corn, and applesauce.
This is not about People of Color. White people, if they speak differently, are asked this question. A friend of mine in College was from Serbia. When asked about where is he from, he often joked that people used to ask him that how cold is Siberia. Somehow Serbia in his accent sounded like Siberia or people had no clue about Serbia. Somebody from Mali or Mozambique will be asked this question because of their accent but nobody will ask this thing to African-American because they are American. I am sure even somebody from Madrid will be asked this question in mexico becaise there is difference in the way Spanish is being spoken.
Wait til you get to know someone really well before asking about their ethnicity.
I haven't read this whole thread, but I find this interesting... How exactly does one get to know someone really well without asking some curious questions about who you are? I am sure on this forum we can find threads about how it is also rude and presumptuous to ask people how old people are, what they do for a living, where they live, where they went to school, whether they're married, whether they have kids.... see where I'm going? In our business, of course, we have to be very careful about what we ask, or what we say about a property, because people may feel discriminated against because of the question.
Exactly what questions is it OK to ask any more?
We all get asked questions... it's how we find out about each other. Maybe we should just answer them... you know... talk to people, show interest in each other! Wouldn't that be good?
There's nothing wrong with asking a person of color where they're from after you've established rapport with them but if you ask that first or second thing upon meeting or approaching them, it really leaves a shallow impression of you.
With all due respect that is completely your perception and perhaps no malice was intended by the person asking. If someone is genuinely interested because of an accent or something else innocuous then you have been offended for no reason other than your own issues. Sure there are jerks everywhere but to assume every person that asks is asking for some bigoted reason leaves a shallow impression of you as well.
I don't ask many people where they are from but on a recent trip to Ireland one of our waiters had a particularly interesting thick accent I had not heard before so I had to ask. He was from Poland. A lovely man with whom we had a great conversation because my son (who was with me) wants to travel to Poland. He was excited to tell my son places to go and things to see. Had I been conditioned to be afraid to ask like it seems some people want, then this perfectly lovely interaction would never have happened.
I haven't read this whole thread, but I find this interesting... How exactly does one get to know someone really well without asking some curious questions about who you are? )
I don't think it's rude if I'm asked this question personally in social interactions.
I find it completely offensive in PROFESSIONAL interactions because it's entirely IRRELEVANT, we're NOT trying to "get to know each other," and none of my white colleagues (who are from all over the country and have a VARIETY of accents) are EVER asked this question (and yes, I've asked them).
I haven't read this whole thread, but I find this interesting... How exactly does one get to know someone really well without asking some curious questions about who you are? I am sure on this forum we can find threads about how it is also rude and presumptuous to ask people how old people are, what they do for a living, where they live, where they went to school, whether they're married, whether they have kids.... see where I'm going? In our business, of course, we have to be very careful about what we ask, or what we say about a property, because people may feel discriminated against because of the question.
Exactly what questions is it OK to ask any more?
We all get asked questions... it's how we find out about each other. Maybe we should just answer them... you know... talk to people, show interest in each other! Wouldn't that be good?
My two cents.
I worked in an office and a new guy was in the adjacent department, and I kept wondering "what he was". There was no way I was going to ask because I think that's rude, but it was driving me nuts because I worked in a very multicultural setting (the World Trade Center in NYC) and knew people of different types of races/religions/countries of origin but couldn't figure this one out.
He looked sort of Asian, but he was over six feet tall and strongly built. He spoke English with no accent, and I accidentally found out he was Muslim when I walked into his cubicle one day and surprised him eating a salad that he then tried to hide with his arms. I thought the behavior was weird and apologized for interrupting his lunch, but then he sheepishly explained that it was Ramadan and he had a hard time fasting and had been caught with a soda and castigated by another Muslim the day before, lol.
That opened a conversation, and he mentioned being born in Turkey, and I thought, "AHA!" But no, it turned out his parents were from Uzbekistan but had fled their home country to Turkey when the USSR took Uzbekistan.
Anyway, he'd lived in Australia as a child and moved to the US at nine, so his English was American. But, Uzbek, I never woulda guessed because I'd never even heard of Uzbekistan. Had to go look it up on a map.
This was right around the time the USSR was breaking up, and the next thing you know, there was an Uzbek woman skating in the Olympics.
My husband is mixed race, and his ethnicity is hard to pinpoint. He gets asked about his background a lot, and has no problem with it whatsoever. He's actually proud of his heritage. Has he been insulted in the past? Yes. Has he been discriminated against? Yes. However, he doesn't just assume people have bad intentions with the simple question. He gives people the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. It does him no harm to do so because they are going to "think" what ever they "think" whether he answers in a snarky way or a friendly way.
Which is a very healthy way to live in my opinion.
It's ironic. There was an previous thread on C-D about avoiding white people because they "assume" we are all prejudiced and they fear aggression from us. I find that insulting because whoever believes this doesn't know me from Adam and they have no idea what "kind" of person I am or what I believe in just because I am white and live in the South (a second strike against me, apparently).
I don't want to live in a world where everyone is suspicious of one another's motives without provocation.
Edit to add: I told my hubby I referenced him in my response and he said, "Um, YOU'VE been dealing with these questions your whole life..." and it occurred to me that yes, I had because of my mother. My mom was from another country, but lived in the South long enough that she had kind of a mixed accent and people used to ask her all the time about it. So I basically grew up hearing her be asked about her background and her talking about it. I guess that's why it just seems like a natural curiosity people have rather than being something to be suspicious of.
As a POC, everytime I tell someone I'm from the Houston ghetto, they always ask me if I've seen anyone get shot, sell/sold drugs, know gang members/OG's in the hood, etc. I'm honest with them and say yes I've seen people get shot, seen drug sales in front of my eyes, etc. I tell them seeing people get their heads blown off teaches me what could happen if I chose the wrong path in life.
Well, if you tell them GHETTO, then this opens the door to more questions.
I would ask, not to put you down or be rude. Just out of curiosity.
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To me, "white-people food" would be roast beef, mashed potatoes with gravy, green beans, corn, and applesauce.
