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You would think, but then they go on to ask you "why don't you want any?" and if you give them a reason (or multiple reasons) they will try to convince you that you should have them.
I don't know who "they" are in your scenario, but whoever they are they are rude and simply wrong. But I do believe there is no monolithic, all-powerful "they" overall.
^ I agree. And sometimes people are asking because they are trying to figure out or validate their decisions. I don't think asking for reason(s) is a big deal. But if it is bothersome for you (that's ok, too) just say, "it's personal", or "I have my reasons" or "I haven't decided", something like that.
ditto: "they" are often just unidentifiable ghosts following us around making life burdensome.
ETA: When people try to convince you to have them, just say, "And if I don't like it, will you be willing to take over for me?" I honestly don't think they mean any harm. Maybe they think you're missing out on something they find wonderful. Let them know you're happy they're so happy and change the subject.
Last edited by winterbird; 06-12-2018 at 12:41 PM..
I don't know who "they" are in your scenario, but whoever they are they are rude and simply wrong. But I do believe there is no monolithic, all-powerful "they" overall.
"They" are the same people you are referring to in your post (post #174).. the people who ask "Why don't you have kids"... I was saying that they are going to have a follow up question. You said you can simply respond by saying "i don't want any". That is never good enough for most people - they will want to know why.
I've had co-workers, friends, family members, etc, etc. not take that response as a good enough response. So I guess "they" = anyone with kids who asks you why you don't have kids.
I'm a guy in my mid-late 30's, and I have absolutely NO desire what so ever to have kids. I never have.
When I see how much less free time my friends with kids have and how much more busy they are, this just absolutely reinforces my desire to never want kids.
What I don't understand is when I mention to them that I have no desire for kids (or even other childless people who are younger) they look at me funny, and often say "Oh.....why not" as if to think that I'm the odd one out.
I really don't understand how not wanting the burden of kids, not to mention the tremendous financial cost of raising them, should be looked at as "unusual".
Isn't that the equivalent of being looked at funny for going to trade school to be a plumber right after high school, instead of a 4 year college? I mean one isn't better than the other, they are just different paths.
Same with wanting vs not wanting kids, right??
I guess I'm at a loss to understand why others think I'm "unusual" in that regard. There are plenty of things I want to do with my life (become an airline pilot) that is totally in my blood, that others have no desire to do. It makes perfect sense that not everyone wants to fly jets for a living, even though I can't picture myself doing anything else for a career.
So why can't these parents see past their own situation and understand why someone their same age would not want kids, the same way I can understand why the next guy has no desire to pursue a career thats in my blood??
Is it largely because they secretly are envious and resentful that I'm free and can do whatever I want, whenever, wherever, and have an order of magnitude more freedom they they do?
There is nothing unusual about someone who doesn't want children.What I find unusual is when people who HAVE kids telling others that how they never realized how exhausting or how much their lives would change after having kids.The fact that these people NEVER realized it until AFTER, to me is very weird.Like you had to have kids first to get that your life would change??That way of thinking I find is very unusual.
Not everyone is meant to have kids and I think it's great when some people know without a shadow of a doubt that they don't want to have kids versus those who don't think about it and just have kids.
I don't think that the world will suffer from those who chooses to not have kids.Also if you have friends with kids,they shouldn't bring it up.It's not like you go around asking your friends with kids..WHY did you have kids?? I'm sure you don't do that so you should tell them...when they bring it up to stop bothering you about it and to talk about something else.Its everyone's choice if they want to have kids or not.
She had a tubal ligation at 26?! I tried to have it done and they wouldn't let me, said I have to have "my husband's" permission. How does that work if I don't have a husband? SMH
I've heard a lot about pushback that some doctors do, with regards to women and tubal ligation, and to a lesser extent (that I've heard of) men and vasectomies. I think you may have read another thread some time back (not gonna go looking for it, it would take forever to find) where I talked about my own. My female doctor did not refuse me one, but under the circumstances, she argued really hard against it.
At least 5 or 6 times we had to have this conversation about how I was just sure to regret it.
Given that I was 36 at the time, getting divorced, had two teenage sons...I was petty blinkin' sure I had the ability to know if I was making the right choice for myself. But again and again, "The most common side effect of tubal ligation, is regret." And the day of the procedure, I'm gowned, on the gurney, IV in arm, and she's saying, "Are you sure? But what if some day you meet a man..." She did not know that I was dating 3 men at that time, I nearly laughed out loud at her, and replied in a very snarky tone, "Oh, but I've met so MANY..." I mean, I was not far from the age where being pregnant is kind of unsafe, I'd raised two kids nearly to adulthood, I THINK I knew what it entails, and she seemed to be suggesting I may need an intact reproductive system to keep a future hypothetical man I have yet to encounter, happy. How about no, lady.
Also, I have a female friend who got one on her 30th birthday, because she couldn't find a doctor in Des Moines, IA at the time to get one in her 20's, since she hadn't yet had a child. She had a very severe and expensive to constantly maintain form of diabetes that she strongly felt might be passed on to a child, and she didn't want to do that. She figured if she ever was overcome with the need to raise a baby, she'd adopt one. The doctors weren't having it. No way were they shutting down a perfectly good babymaker before it turned 30 years old!
I sometimes wonder if it's because it's more profitable to the OB/GYNs to keep doing hormonal birth control or else tend a woman through a pregnancy? Or are they trained that they have some kind of ethical obligation to prevent people from getting sterilized without a big fuss?
You answered the OP's question directly, using NO qualifier to indicate that you meant only your circle of family and friends.
If you really did mean to answer for your group only, and are not trying just to save face, why would the OP care what your circle thinks about his choice anyway?
He wouldn't. The way you worded it was clear that you extrapolated YOUR norm to be THE norm.
^ but the whole "ask your husband" thing in 2018 is hard to believe.
My dd had extenuating circumstances. She is bipolar and cannot stop taking lithium, and lithium can cause heart defects in fetuses. She never wanted kids, though. The doctor said they usually discuss "regrets" but in her case she agreed sterilization would be best.
My dd says if she ever changes her mind, she would consider adoption, and that it is possible she could end up with a male partner who already has children or a female partner who wants to bear a child. But she herself will not be bearing any children.
“Obviously, it's still the norm to have kids, but it's changing,” says Kaye D. Walters of Santa Barbara, Calif. She is the author of “Kidfree & Lovin' It! — Whether by Choice, Chance or Circumstance,” and runs the website www.kidfreeandlovinit.com.
That means it IS different to not have kids. Doesn't matter what any of these people think, what any of their friends do, what they do, or what they think of your reasons. Having kids is still the norm statistically.
I don't care whether you have kids or not, just don't tell me how "busy" you are. I might laugh.
You answered the OP's question directly, using NO qualifier to indicate that you meant only your circle of family and friends.
If you really did mean to answer for your group only, and are not trying just to save face, why would the OP care what your circle thinks about his choice anyway?
He wouldn't. The way you worded it was clear that you extrapolated YOUR norm to be THE norm.
I have absolutely no reason to attempt to save face to you or anyone. The OP cares what my circle thinks and the OP cares what everyone else's circle thinks. Unless I missed the request for replies only from his or her circle? You both know what I meant initially, and if not then, you certainly know now. Time for you to move on to another poster to purposely misunderstand and pick on.
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SMH