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OP, I feel you're getting some harsh criticism here. Yes, you never should have butted your nose into who your MIL was allowed to date. Yes, you're being highly judgmental about her choice there. And yes, no one is "required" to babysit your children.
However, from my frame of reference, grandparents should want to spend time with their grandkids and, if possible, that may occasionally result in one-on-one time without the parents, because a) it helps the parents out, and b) it's a different/more fun dynamic for both grandparent and grandchild then when the parents are present. From my perspective, family helps family whenever they can. That doesn't mean completely subjugating one's life to the other family members' whim, like what seems to have happened with SIL, but, within reason, I believe one should help.
OP asked MIL to babysit 5 times in 11 months according to her account. If accurate, that is hardly an excessive expectation. Again, no, MIL is not required to do so. However, on the first occasion OP lists, MIL agreed to watch grandkids overnight, then backed out at the last minute (while OP and DH were at event, no less), not because there was an emergency, but because Dan was coming into town. I think most rational people would be miffed by this. Another time, OP asked MIL to help out (with several months lead time, no less) for a work related event. It's not as if OP were asking MIL to give up her own fun time for her and DH's fun time.
OP, as I said, family helps family. No, I would not cut MIL out of your and especially grandkids' lives. But, since she doesn't seem inclined to help you and DH out, I would have DH stop being handyman and landscaper to MIL. It's not personal. Everyone can still enjoy each other's company on their own time. However, if MIL doesn't want to reciprocate the help she's getting from DH, simply cut it off.
My inlaws babysat our kids a few times. I NEVER had an expectation that they should. We asked. Sometimes they said no. That's life. Being a grandparent doesn't mean built in babysitter.
My inlaws babysat our kids a few times. I NEVER had an expectation that they should. We asked. Sometimes they said no. That's life. Being a grandparent doesn't mean built in babysitter.
As I said, that's fine, and you're right. However, if MIL doesn't want to help out with some VERY occasional babysitting, then she shouldn't have the expectation for her son to fix her faucet or mow her lawn.
As I said, that's fine, and you're right. However, if MIL doesn't want to help out with some VERY occasional babysitting, then she shouldn't have the expectation for her son to fix her faucet or mow her lawn.
Did I miss a comment where MIL WAS expecting that?
I will also make something else clear, since it didn't translate for a few of you in my original post. We would ask my MIL to babysit every other month or so and often go 3-4 months in between before asking her again. That is not considered "a lot" of babysitting so let's just get that straight. We also had her at our house for dinner a lot, swim parties, excursions around town, etc. My husband has been her handyman, car mechanic and lawn service for YEARS and only stopped doing things for her since the Christmas debacle.
Just wondering how babysitting on occasion is considering "raising our kids" but whatever, people have different perceptions all around.
My husband and I had a long talk about this situation last night and we've come to a few conclusions.
One- we actually came to this before but decided to just reaffirm it- we are not going to rely upon his mom for babysitting at all.
Two- we need to truly accept that she is dating Dan and is going to act the way she is going to act.
Three- we need to make peace with the fact that our kids will never get the same kind of devotion and attention as the other grandchildren.
The last one is the difficult one. We can find another babysitter and come to terms with my MIL's behavior as just the way she is now. But knowing that our kids have been and will continue to be so much lower on the totem pole, so to speak, is hard to swallow. We're good parents and our kids are loving, funny creatures who deserve the best, all of the time. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way and while we try to protect them from it all, we never will be able too. I appreciate the time it took for everyone to read the post and while I don't agree with some of the answers, seeing different perceptions is helpful.
I can't believe I suffered thru that entire first post.
MILs are not built in baby sitters. They raised their own kids. Sounds like MIL would babysit when she had nothing better to do, but when something better came along, she didnt want to babysit. Well duh! Why would she? Its her life. Lets see, babysit kids or go out with a hot honey? Tough decisions, let me see, what would I do? (ha!)
OP sounds like a whiny entitled woman. Hate to tell her that the world does not revolve around her, and she is not the boss of the MIL.
And sons and daughters are not build in servants for older parents! People do things for each other because of love.
The next time she needs something -- promise if only something better does not come along. If it does, well break the promise -- she can hire someone to mow the grass or be a handyman. I bet that when you give a promise with conditions to HER she will know what it feels like. Let Dan mow the grass
Ah. I DID miss something LOL I missed all of that. So, OP expects some kind of equity in all this. A tit for tat kind of thing.
Well OP, I'd say "Quit banging your head against the wall, and expecting different results from the same actions over and over.
Your MIL is enthralled with her new romance. I get it's annoying, but we've ALL had new romances, and to varying degrees, acted goofy because of them. This is your MIL's life stage right now.
Whether you deserve to or not, don't have expectations of her. It's only frustrating for you. But also, I'd suggest you don't "punish her" by withholding the kids from her. If she has offered to watch your kids...help it to happen. Don't withhold.
OP, I remember from some of your Parenting posts how you had a very serious problem using babysitters other than your MIL. The babysitting thing has ALWAYS been a huge control issue for you.
Now that urge to control is finding its way into other areas of your life. You really, seriously need to get a handle on it for your kids' sake.
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