"Don't take it personal Bro" (adults, couples, friendship)

Originally Posted by ClaraC

OP - your first post had a bolded statement, that there's something that you did/do that's causing the problem.

Is it something like smoking weed, or getting too drunk, etc., that the wives would justifiably want to shield their kids from?

In that case, maybe you could hang out with your guy friends and not with the group?

Just trying to get ahead of all the people who would tell me it's me. I get it, somehow in some convo or action I must have done something that made me undesirable to hang out with, I didn't do much beside lounge in a chair and go for a walk on the beach.. talked with both groups, who knows.... I don't drink or smoke...I'm very respectful of rules around kids as far as language and behavior, their parents swear around them, I don't.

Guess that'll be the plan going forward, problem is the only time these guy friends get together without family is.........almost never.

[Sassybluesy]

Originally Posted by KeysDreamin2019

Just trying to get ahead of all the people who would tell me it's me. I get it, somehow in some convo or action I must have done something that made me undesirable to hang out with, I didn't do much beside lounge in a chair and go for a walk on the beach.. talked with both groups, who knows.... I don't drink or smoke...I'm very respectful of rules around kids as far as language and behavior, their parents swear around them, I don't.

Guess that'll be the plan going forward, problem is the only time these guy friends get together without family is.........almost never.

As you've explained things...my feelings would've been hurt too.


I'm not assuming, just asking...


Are you the kind of guy who tends to invite himself and include himself in this group dynamic...invited or not? Like...has it always been assumed that Uncle Tim will be coming along as well? If so, maybe the wives just wanted a "No Uncle Tim Day" for whatever reason, and your guy friend thought THAT aspect of it would hurt your feelings, so he lied.


It doesn't necessarily mean they don't like you...they just wanted it to be different this time. (Clearly I don't know. I'm just putting that out there." But I get that it was hurtful.

We have a group of 5 families plus me who tend to hang out at various locations depending on who is busy or not, each of us has our own boat, mine happens to be one of the bigger ones (guess that comes along with no kids) so I am not relying on anyone for anything and typically I'm the one who gets there first and sets up the location for the day and allows people to tie up to the boat so no one has to anchor. ... my friend and I are typically ALWAYS out, with the other three families rotating in and out depending on the day. I guess the other thing is that this kind of situation has never happened before (excluding a member of the group on purpose). For a few years it's always been just the default thing that we all just hang out in whatever variation of the group we have that day.

It's not really an invite yourself thing, it's a group text that says "so where's everyone going today?" Ironically I DID NOT send that text when this happened, a different one from our group did - I just said "okay if no one is going out, I'm headed out to <location>" and there was no response, this was after the text from my friend saying they were staying home. AND THEN when I get down there, I see the real truth with my own eyes.

It def comes off as a Tim free day - not sure that it was the intention, C'est la vie I guess.

[codergirl]

Originally Posted by KeysDreamin2019

Pre-emptive thought - I realize that it's something I did/do that is the root cause of the problem. How would you handle the situation going forward?

So...

I was just told this morning to "Bro, don't take it personal" twice in a text. It's in reference to an event yesterday that my normal group of friends (5 of us total, the other 4 are two married couples with 2 kids each) excluded me from, after doing the exact same thing on Tuesday (and I thought we had a great time). Instead of being up front with me in the morning about wanting a "family" day, the truth was twisted and a few lies were told and it blew up in my friends face when I walked into the staging area for the event (a local boat club, I just happened to be swinging by for a bag of ice, bad timing for him and me I guess) and his kid threw him under the bus (too young to not understand that I, Uncle Tim, as the kids call me, was not invited even though he always has been for the past 3 or 4 years) on three various lies that had all transpired in the previous 60 mins of this moment.

Apparently the two mothers of the group decided they wanted to do a family only day (even though the two groups are not actually "family"). After getting into it with my guy friend that I knew since college (we are 35 years old now) he told me twice to not take it personal. I basically told him that he doesn't get to tell me how to feel and that it is VERY personal and that I'd rather know the true feelings of people who are supposed to be my REAL friends and that I'd deal with it on my side from there. Would prefer to know which parties I shouldn't show up to vs walking into one clueless that people don't want me there!

I just don't get how people are not supposed to take things personal when it is indeed their own personality that is causing people to not want them around (me!).

In my case I guess I just wont be hanging out with what I thought was a nice group of friends anymore, if 2 of the wives don't like me enough to go out of their way to make plans and exclude me on purpose to the point that my friend has to lie about it.....nothing else needs to be said. A party that 50% of the people don't like you at isn't going to be much fun.

What do you think? Am I reading this wrong and jumping to conclusions, or do I have it right on the mark?

You are right to be hurt about this.So you're the single one in the bunch with no kids.Instead of your friend whom you have known for years..probably before he knew his wife...couldn't tell you the truth?He had to lie to you?Not cool.how hard would it have been for him to just say that hey'we're going to do a family thing new week....easy as pie. I don't like liars.Here is what you should do.Make new friends with people who will not lie to you.
Here is the thing some couples with kids tend to do that eventually bites them in the butt....they start to just want to hang out with other people with kids and forgetting the other friends who don't have kids.I thought that one is friends with someone regardless if that person has kids or not..or is a couple or not.BUT some people are not like that.They start to just be with other couples with kids.Let them go. Some will soon realize their error when they start having issues with their spouses and want to talk to you about it.....By then you will have been long gone.People who take others for granted or don't appreciate the friendship...you don't want them in your life.

[codergirl]

Originally Posted by Brian_M

And, as usual, a flock of C-D doogooders mis-reading the post into what They want it to be.



"family" lied to OP, then told him not to take the lies personally. Sorry, but when people lie to me, I tend to get upset too. It has NOTHING to do with the 2 couples wanting a day with only their spouses and children. Nothing. It has everything to do with the fact that they lied to the OP and got caught, then tried to shift the blame of Their lies onto him.



The lies weren't posted people, they are irrelevant. Simply knowing that the OP was told false information meant to obscure the truth is enough, what those words were have no relevance. If they'd simply stated that the day was focused around the kids and couples, the OP might have been a little peeved, and if THAT had been posted as the reason for the hurt feelings then dogpiling on him might be warranted. But that's not the case.



OP, I'm part of a childless couple. I get this sht from both ends... single friends who don't want couples tagging along and couples with kids who don't want those without kids tagging along. Sucks, but people tend to be Most comfortable with those who share their immediate situation. So long as Everyone is honest about what they want out of an outing, it's no big deal. Trust me, I don't find joy in spending a day at a kiddie park (or a night at dance clubs getting drunk and looking for a hook-up). Took a little yelling to get that across to those people I socialize with, but they Eventually managed to grasp the concept that I want to hang out with them only when they want to hang out with me. Things have gone along Much better since then, though there were several weeks of radio silence each time this has come up.


Make Certain these friends understand that being lied to is the issue here, not that they wanted a day out without you. Because the "it's not personal" thing, they assume you think they didn't want to hang out with you. No clue, none at all, that you might be upset over being lied to.

I feel the same way.I would be upset that they lied to me...which they did to the OP.He even had stated that one of his friend's kid let the cat out of the bag about their plans.That is what the OP is upset about..not about them wanting to do a couples things with kids.Just don't lie about it.

[wasel]

Originally Posted by KeysDreamin2019

We have a group of 5 families plus me who tend to hang out at various locations depending on who is busy or not, each of us has our own boat, mine happens to be one of the bigger ones (guess that comes along with no kids) so I am not relying on anyone for anything and typically I'm the one who gets there first and sets up the location for the day and allows people to tie up to the boat so no one has to anchor. ... my friend and I are typically ALWAYS out, with the other three families rotating in and out depending on the day. I guess the other thing is that this kind of situation has never happened before (excluding a member of the group on purpose). For a few years it's always been just the default thing that we all just hang out in whatever variation of the group we have that day.

It's not really an invite yourself thing, it's a group text that says "so where's everyone going today?" Ironically I DID NOT send that text when this happened, a different one from our group did - I just said "okay if no one is going out, I'm headed out to <location>" and there was no response, this was after the text from my friend saying they were staying home. AND THEN when I get down there, I see the real truth with my own eyes.

It def comes off as a Tim free day - not sure that it was the intention, C'est la vie I guess.

The blue part doesn't describe "excluding" anyone on purpose.


To be honest this explanation makes you sound like you're overreacting even more.


It's not like you said "Hey, I'd like to host July 4th on my boat this year, so plan on coming" and they all made up excuses not to. That I could see feeling shunned about.



Maybe when you threw out the "If no one is heading out I'm going to X" they really did think they were staying in. Then one of the families decided to call the other and make family plans. And it sort of evolved.



Look, I don't have a dog in this hunt -- if you want to cut them off then that's what you should do. My father cut off a long-loved relative when she lied about where she was because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. And it's a damn shame that a 50-year relationship ends over a human error.

[bizcuit]

I hear you OP, when my friends all started having children, it hurt to be suddenly be excluded from a lot of social stuff. Frankly, it still hurts. I don't care what anyone else says, you have a right to your feelings.

[ddm2k]

Originally Posted by KeysDreamin2019

Pre-emptive thought - I realize that it's something I did/do that is the root cause of the problem. How would you handle the situation going forward?

So...

I was just told this morning to "Bro, don't take it personal" twice in a text. It's in reference to an event yesterday that my normal group of friends (5 of us total, the other 4 are two married couples with 2 kids each) excluded me from, after doing the exact same thing on Tuesday (and I thought we had a great time). Instead of being up front with me in the morning about wanting a "family" day, the truth was twisted and a few lies were told and it blew up in my friends face when I walked into the staging area for the event (a local boat club, I just happened to be swinging by for a bag of ice, bad timing for him and me I guess) and his kid threw him under the bus (too young to not understand that I, Uncle Tim, as the kids call me, was not invited even though he always has been for the past 3 or 4 years) on three various lies that had all transpired in the previous 60 mins of this moment.

Apparently the two mothers of the group decided they wanted to do a family only day (even though the two groups are not actually "family"). After getting into it with my guy friend that I knew since college (we are 35 years old now) he told me twice to not take it personal. I basically told him that he doesn't get to tell me how to feel and that it is VERY personal and that I'd rather know the true feelings of people who are supposed to be my REAL friends and that I'd deal with it on my side from there. Would prefer to know which parties I shouldn't show up to vs walking into one clueless that people don't want me there!

I just don't get how people are not supposed to take things personal when it is indeed their own personality that is causing people to not want them around (me!).

In my case I guess I just wont be hanging out with what I thought was a nice group of friends anymore, if 2 of the wives don't like me enough to go out of their way to make plans and exclude me on purpose to the point that my friend has to lie about it.....nothing else needs to be said. A party that 50% of the people don't like you at isn't going to be much fun.

What do you think? Am I reading this wrong and jumping to conclusions, or do I have it right on the mark?

I'd push him in the water just for calling me bro, then tell him not to make it personal.

[thinkalot]

Maybe there has been times that they planned on family things and you showed up so they lied so it wouldn't happen again.

Why would a single guy hang out with 5 couples and their children?


I agree with the last poster. Who the hell says Bro? At no time in any decade did normal people say that. Lose the Uncle Tim thing too.

The main friend of mine that this is circled around has been a friend long before kids, the other couples joined up as we grew up and expanded our circle and made new friends. Are single guys supposed to be out chasing other singles 24/7 or something?