"Don't take it personal Bro" (sister, conversation, socialize)

[Mikala43]

Originally Posted by KeysDreamin2019

I have other friends, for example the ones I was hanging out with last night, and the night before (Wed night was with a friend I met in first grade and her family) at various fireworks shows who also are families and who have always just casually mentioned when they are doing family things when I send a text saying "we should hang out", I've never thrown a tantrum if people are straight up with me. I can't imagine this would have gone any different.

Didn't you mention up-thread you still would have been upset, just not as much?

Thank you for all your feedback, that's what I was hoping to get. I've read through the responses three times and I can see that I need to work on growing up a bit when situations like this present themselves and not letting the actions of others hurt me no matter how they appear in the moment. Going to attend a few meetups and meet some childless others in the area and see what happens. Also it appears that I'm too critical of people telling me white lies. I cannot say that I can just turn that off, but I will do my best to just keep my mouth closed and just let it go in the future when it happens again.

Originally Posted by Mikala43

Didn't you mention up-thread you still would have been upset, just not as much?

Yes. I would wonder why and wouldn't be happy about it as it's a beautiful day, we're on vacation, and I'd think WTF? but it wouldn't get anywhere near this level of bothering me. It would have been a "have fun" and then I'd quietly go find something else to do. Which again, I did just go move on to the plan I was planning to do with the other people I had planned to hang with. It didn't change that the lying was bothering me all day.

[emm74]

I was just told this morning to "Bro, don't take it personal" twice in a text. It's in reference to an event yesterday that my normal group of friends (5 of us total, the other 4 are two married couples with 2 kids each) excluded me from, after doing the exact same thing on Tuesday (and I thought we had a great time).

Just to make sure I'm not misreading, can you confirm that you mean you spent Tuesday with these two families, hanging out on the boat? I wasn't sure if you meant that or if you meant that they had excluded you two times in one week.

Originally Posted by KeysDreamin2019

Just trying to get ahead of all the people who would tell me it's me. I get it, somehow in some convo or action I must have done something that made me undesirable to hang out with, I didn't do much beside lounge in a chair and go for a walk on the beach.. talked with both groups, who knows.... I don't drink or smoke...I'm very respectful of rules around kids as far as language and behavior, their parents swear around them, I don't.

Guess that'll be the plan going forward, problem is the only time these guy friends get together without family is.........almost never.

So I think it's pretty clear that it's not just the lying. The lies are of course problematic in and of themselves, but very clearly, your feelings are hurt too. Which is valid - if you all have a good time together, why would they exclude you the next time they get together?

Yes, they want to have a family oriented day, but it seems like from your perspective, you think your presence doesn't affect that. And we really have no way of knowing whether that's the case. You may personally not be doing anything disrespectful but perhaps when you are there, the two guys lounge on chairs alongside you but when you aren't there, they are off on the beach playing with their kids. Nothing wrong in either case, just a different dynamic.

It sounds like these are quite longstanding friendships, and while I completely understand why you feel hurt, I would try to not act too precipitously to change things.

Find a time when you can talk in person and explain that yeah, you certainly respect their choice to get together without you at times, and obviously if you never know about it, it doesn't bother you. But being confronted with it unexpectedly bothered you, and the fact that they compounded it with lies was upsetting. And think about it - the fact that they bothered to lie meant they knew you would be a little hurt.

But try to clear the air and say yes, as married men with wives and families, there are going to be times where your lives diverge and that's ok. You still want to be a part of each other's lives in a positive way, and that includes not lying to each other.

I do wonder though - it seems like you enjoy spending time with families. Are you not interested in getting married and having a family of your own? Or you are but just haven't found the right person yet? If you are interested, your buddies' wives should be your top resource to introduce you to single women!

[Twenty Years in the Burgh]

As a childless woman, I've been on the receiving end of this sort of behavior many times over the years. It can be hurtful.

I have single male friends who have also had similar experiences to yours. At the end of the day, the friends who only seem to now call me when they need something have been downgraded to acquaintance status; the long-term friends with whom I've maintained relationships through thick and thin; marriages, divorces, remarriages and children I hold in high regard even when there are times when, due to family obligations, we've had to either skip plans or alter them to include the children. No big deal as these are lifelong, ride-or-die friends (and I do enjoy children, so it's really *not* a big deal if the kids come along or it's time for family only events).

My male friends who have been on the receiving end of this sort of behavior (it's nearly always the wives in these situations), just slowly withdraw from the friendships and allow those friends to reach out on their own. I will say, though, that my best male friend from college, a childless bachelor, is very close friends with an former roommate, his wife and their three boys. The kids call him "Uncle" and he often watches them while their parents go on date nights. He often goes out with the couple and other single friends as well.

They should have been honest with you from the get-go, but I wouldn't let it ruin long term friendships with the husbands/friends or cause lingering resentment towards the wives if you still value the relationships as a whole.

[20yrsinBranson]

Originally Posted by KeysDreamin2019

Pre-emptive thought - I realize that it's something I did/do that is the root cause of the problem. How would you handle the situation going forward?

So...

I was just told this morning to "Bro, don't take it personal" twice in a text. It's in reference to an event yesterday that my normal group of friends (5 of us total, the other 4 are two married couples with 2 kids each) excluded me from, after doing the exact same thing on Tuesday (and I thought we had a great time). Instead of being up front with me in the morning about wanting a "family" day, the truth was twisted and a few lies were told and it blew up in my friends face when I walked into the staging area for the event (a local boat club, I just happened to be swinging by for a bag of ice, bad timing for him and me I guess) and his kid threw him under the bus (too young to not understand that I, Uncle Tim, as the kids call me, was not invited even though he always has been for the past 3 or 4 years) on three various lies that had all transpired in the previous 60 mins of this moment.

Apparently the two mothers of the group decided they wanted to do a family only day (even though the two groups are not actually "family"). After getting into it with my guy friend that I knew since college (we are 35 years old now) he told me twice to not take it personal. I basically told him that he doesn't get to tell me how to feel and that it is VERY personal and that I'd rather know the true feelings of people who are supposed to be my REAL friends and that I'd deal with it on my side from there. Would prefer to know which parties I shouldn't show up to vs walking into one clueless that people don't want me there!

I just don't get how people are not supposed to take things personal when it is indeed their own personality that is causing people to not want them around (me!).

In my case I guess I just wont be hanging out with what I thought was a nice group of friends anymore, if 2 of the wives don't like me enough to go out of their way to make plans and exclude me on purpose to the point that my friend has to lie about it.....nothing else needs to be said. A party that 50% of the people don't like you at isn't going to be much fun.

What do you think? Am I reading this wrong and jumping to conclusions, or do I have it right on the mark?

Women go nuts when they have kids. Single men , who "might remind the hubby" of how much better a life without a nagging harpy wife and screaming crib lizard are THE ENEMY. God forbid you would actually have a. Conversation that is about something beaides the chhhhiiiillllddddrrrruuuunnnnn. Count yourself blessed to have missed it.

Originally Posted by emm74

Just to make sure I'm not misreading, can you confirm that you mean you spent Tuesday with these two families, hanging out on the boat? I wasn't sure if you meant that or if you meant that they had excluded you two times in one week.

I do wonder though - it seems like you enjoy spending time with families. Are you not interested in getting married and having a family of your own? Or you are but just haven't found the right person yet? If you are interested, your buddies' wives should be your top resource to introduce you to single women!

Yes, we hung out all day Tuesday (like we usually do on weekends) from late morning till after dinner. Everything seemed fine.

As a "single" guy with no kids, and a very flexible schedule (don't need to work much during the summer) I actually hang out with a LOT of various kinds of people at various times during the week. I've got a "date" next week at some point and took a recently divorced co-worker out on the boat and had a great time a couple weekends ago. I also hang out with my family at least once a week, usually twice. My social life involves families because almost everyone I call a friend has kids, I can only think of one off the top of my head who doesnt!

I was almost married and looking forward to it but was let down in a major way (she cheated, who knows who was really to blame), this was 10 years ago when my friends were all in a rush to get married, a couple already had babies at this point (which I have NO interest in having, yikes!) and others joined in pretty quickly. The next thing I know everyone is calling me uncle, almost all the ladies in my age group are married or on their way to divorce (but not yet!) and all my married female friends say they don't have any single girls they think are "good", keep in mind I'm not much of a party person and don't enjoy the dirty side of life (clubs, getting wasted, drugs)..

So I guess I'm just not interested. I've done the dating apps and things like that, which usually just translate to being a waste of time - there's a couple interests that have come and gone in the last six months, but for various reasons (I've been accused of not knowing when to pickup the phone and call) they just keep going).

Long story short, "Haven't found the right person yet" sounds like it applies here, but there also may not be many fish in my sea as I'm really not interested in having kids. Adoption has always sounded more my style, and I've always hoped whoever I met would want to start a family like that.

Originally Posted by Twenty Years in the Burgh

As a childless woman, I've been on the receiving end of this sort of behavior many times over the years. It can be hurtful.

I have single male friends who have also had similar experiences to yours. At the end of the day, the friends who only seem to now call me when they need something have been downgraded to acquaintance status; the long-term friends with whom I've maintained relationships through thick and thin; marriages, divorces, remarriages and children I hold in high regard even when there are times when, due to family obligations, we've had to either skip plans or alter them to include the children. No big deal as these are lifelong, ride-or-die friends (and I do enjoy children, so it's really *not* a big deal if the kids come along or it's time for family only events).

My male friends who have been on the receiving end of this sort of behavior (it's nearly always the wives in these situations), just slowly withdraw from the friendships and allow those friends to reach out on their own. I will say, though, that my best male friend from college, a childless bachelor, is very close friends with an former roommate, his wife and their three boys. The kids call him "Uncle" and he often watches them while their parents go on date nights. He often goes out with the couple and other single friends as well.

They should have been honest with you from the get-go, but I wouldn't let it ruin long term friendships with the husbands/friends or cause lingering resentment towards the wives if you still value the relationships as a whole.

Thank you, I do still value the friend in question and his family, just not sure it's going to be the same for a bit I guess, who knows, yeah overdramatic.

[matisse12]

Originally Posted by KeysDreamin2019

Thank you for all your feedback, that's what I was hoping to get. I've read through the responses three times and I can see that I need to work on growing up a bit when situations like this present themselves and not letting the actions of others hurt me no matter how they appear in the moment. Going to attend a few meetups and meet some childless others in the area and see what happens. Also it appears that I'm too critical of people telling me white lies. I cannot say that I can just turn that off, but I will do my best to just keep my mouth closed and just let it go in the future when it happens again.

I don't see any reason for you to be apologetic to posters in this thread nor do I think it's a matter of you 'needing to grow up.'

I also don't think you're too critical of people telling you lies or 'white lies'.

I wouldn't blow up the friendships over what happened at this point - but see how things develop and if the friends show interest in continuing the friendship.

Originally Posted by emm74

if you all have a good time together, why would they exclude you the next time they get together?

Yes, they want to have a family oriented day, but it seems like from your perspective, you think your presence doesn't affect that. And we really have no way of knowing whether that's the case.

To your first statement/question. Yup, that's the confusing part (although after reading through the responses maybe it's really not personal, which circles back to just don't lie about it).

And yes to your second, I don't think it changes it, but from the behavior presented yesterday it MUST change it somehow (or somehow I screwed up on Tuesday), which I guess we'll never know unless I sat down and really had a heart to heart with him, (but at this point it's not going to happen and he'd probably just blame the wives, which has already sort of happened in various texts).

I don't think I'm the center of attention, we of course do hang out as guys and the women hang out as girls... but I'd assume they do the same thing if I'm there or not. Maybe they do act differently, guess it'll be one of those 'unsolved mysteries'

[matisse12]

You have long hangs on the boats! late morning to after dinner are pretty long get-togethers.... a pretty distinct boating life....