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My parents have suggested I was bipolar for cutting them out of my life. G-d forbid they actually consider how their actions and refusal to acknowledge their bad behavior brought me to this point.
I went no-contact with my parents after many difficult years, including when they abandoned me when I was 23 going through stage IV cancer alone and chose to go abroad for 2 weeks rather than visit me at any point. Our relationship was not strained before then, though that incident and how they acted throughout my diagnosis and treatment lifted the wool from my eyes to allow me to understand that how they treated my brother and I throughout our childhoods was not normal and was emotionally abusive. When you grow up in it, it's hard to see. Few people around us had any idea because my parents valued the *appearance* of having a normal, successful family over putting in the work to actually *have* a normal, successful family.
The final straw started when they screamed at me over the phone when my niece was born (after a very scary, medically invasive birth) because my brother texted them that she was born rather than call. They didn't care that he texted from the OR and that they were the first to know. They didn't care that things were touch and go for my SIL. They cared that they got a text. The hammer dropped when they visited a month later and blew off the one afternoon they had scheduled to spend time with me (normal - for my entire adult life they schedule 2 week long vacations yearly where my brother and I live but only schedule an afternoon for each of us because they're too busy on their own doing vacation things) the night before when I had already taken time off of work. They were angry that I couldn't reschedule my time off at a drop of a hat at their whims.
My brother's in-laws witnessed what was happening (I put my parents on speakerphone) and were horrified. They knew and liked my parents, despite what my brother and I had said, and had to experience it to believe it.
I recognized then that they would never change and that I am a happier person without them in my life causing constant stress and anxiety. I let them know why I was ending our relationship. My brother, who had always been low contact, went very low contact and primarily put his wife in charge of maintaining a sparse relationship so their daughter will know her grandparents. My parents' friends think we're the cruel, unreasonable ones. They have no idea.
We recently reconnected and I regret it. We were going to see each other at my niece's birthday party and rather than see them for the first time with an audience, I had dinner with them in advance. They, too, had sent constant texts, emails and letters claiming they "finally understood what I had tried to tell them." You'd think they'd be on their best behavior, right? No. My dad yelled at me in my own apartment not because he was mad at me, but because he was cranky and not feeling well. They caused a scene in the restaurant. They complained about money (dad hasn't worked in 15 years and is gambling away their retirement day trading, mom is 60 and works as a nanny with no benefits after getting fired from the last few jobs she's gotten). They couldn't answer the question, "Why do you think I have cut off contact with you?"
After the party, I let them know that it was unfortunate that nothing had changed but I would not be giving them another chance.
I'm a much happier person without them. I'm a much healthier person without them. They're telling everyone in the family that they think, sigh, that I'm mentally ill. My brother let me know that their latest excuse is they think I have a substance abuse problem. I can't do anything but laugh.
Your friend texting weekly is excessive. What does he say in these texts? You claim he has regrets - has he done the work to acknowledge how those regrets have brought him to this point?
Estrangement with parents is painful. It's hard. It's also not done without reason.
We have had a couple of family rifts that took about 7-8 years to reconcile, some that were reconciled sooner, and some that were never reconciled until one of the parties died. There has to be a willingness on both sides to bury the hatchet or it can't happen. If I were your friend I would just wait, I wouldn't push it. The ball is in the son's court. But your friend is not likely to do that.
Your friend should face reality and find other meaning in his life. There's nothing you can do or say to help him. He likely makes this a recurring topic of conversation to vent his feelings to you. Two years is enough for you to listen to it. A relative of ours is still heartbroken over a divorce that happened more than 20 years ago. Whenever I hear him I think of the George Jones song, "He Stopped Loving Her Today".
Nothing anyone has said to him for 20 years has made a bit of difference. He is quite happy to wallow in his own self pity.
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Originally Posted by SactoBankerGirl
It's interesting that a few of you mention the bipolar thing. I believe that is the case with my friend's son too.
I will suggest that he back away for a while. It's just so hard to see him in so much pain. He kept breaking down on his son's birthday. He is so full of regret it breaks my heart.
Your friend texting weekly is excessive. What does he say in these texts? You claim he has regrets - has he done the work to acknowledge how those regrets have brought him to this point?
Estrangement with parents is painful. It's hard. It's also not done without reason.
I remember reading about your situation a while ago. I remember thinking this was the most justified case of estrangement I've ever heard of. Especially their treatment of you during your medical issues. They seem to be true narcissists.
My friend's son is on medication and undergoing counseling, so it does seem like he has some kind of disorder. I'm not sure if it's bipolar or something else.
When he texts, it's usually something like, "Hey, I heard you have a new girlfriend. I'm happy for you. I miss you. Text or call me if you get a chance."
He regrets that he was so tough on him when he was growing up. It sounds like he seemed tougher when contrasted to his wife, who basically let the son do whatever he wanted. He never raised his hand to him, just arguing, raised voices, etc. He has sent emails telling his son he wishes he hadn't been so tough on him. He wishes he had spent more quality time with him.
He is still supporting this son. He pays for his college and living expenses. It's just a sad situation.
I remember reading about your situation a while ago. I remember thinking this was the most justified case of estrangement I've ever heard of. Especially their treatment of you during your medical issues. They seem to be true narcissists.
You think that because you only heard my side of the story. Like anything, there's my side, their side, and somewhere in the middle there's the truth and I recognize that. My parent's friends and some of our family know their side where they make overtures about feeling regretful and bad. They don't know that when they express those feelings to me, it's all about their feelings rather than the work they're doing to address ongoing issues to ensure that that behavior changes.
But to their friends and some family, they are the heartbroken parents who made a few mistakes but are ready to make ammends.
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My friend's son is on medication and undergoing counseling, so it does seem like he has some kind of disorder. I'm not sure if it's bipolar or something else.
Being on medication and going to counseling could also mean experiencing depression or anxiety which are both common for people who grew up with challenging childhoods or are experiencing ongoing adversity (which I would consider familial estrangement no matter the cause) in their lives and also increasingly common for college-age students. Seeking mental heal
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When he texts, it's usually something like, "Hey, I heard you have a new girlfriend. I'm happy for you. I miss you. Text or call me if you get a chance."
Who is telling him about his son's personal life?
Those are not appropriate overtures to make to someone who wants to put up boundaries where you are kept out. My parents did that - asking about my boyfriend, asking questions about medical appointments they never should have known about (and had never previously cared about). Few things burned me so much. Like many in this situation, I had to limit contact with people who I knew were sharing information with my parents.
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He regrets that he was so tough on him when he was growing up. It sounds like he seemed tougher when contrasted to his wife, who basically let the son do whatever he wanted. He never raised his hand to him, just arguing, raised voices, etc. He has sent emails telling his son he wishes he hadn't been so tough on him. He wishes he had spent more quality time with him.
Arguing and raised voices can be just as bad as a raised hand in some cases. They leave deeper marks. This is a good start - he shouldn't grovel but acknowledging past issues is better than trying to act buddy buddy by asking about a girlfriend.
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He is still supporting this son. He pays for his college and living expenses. It's just a sad situation.
That's a tough one. The son should at least be trying for limited contact while still accepting financial help. How old is he?
If it sounds like I'm projecting, I'm doing it on purpose. You are hearing one side - we don't know what the son's side or point of view is. We also don't know that your friend is telling you everything.
Weird situation. My mother and I don't speak. After the horrific letter she sent me when she thought I was still in a deep depression and anxiety spiral, I keep away from her for my own safety.
So what zentropa said - is this the guy you're having an affair with?
Weird situation. My mother and I don't speak. After the horrific letter she sent me when she thought I was still in a deep depression and anxiety spiral, I keep away from her for my own safety.
So what zentropa said - is this the guy you're having an affair with?
No, totally different guy. It's the boyfriend of one of my friends.
When he texts, it's usually something like, "Hey, I heard you have a new girlfriend. I'm happy for you. I miss you. Text or call me if you get a chance."
(snip).
Wow. How did dad find out about a new girlfriend? IMHO, ending a text like that is sort of creepy and stalker-ish (unless the were told the news directly from their child).
Of course, in my immediate family, we never introduced our "casual" dates to our parents, only when we were seriously considering marriage. Ditto for my children when they were in college. I only met their very, very long term BFs or GFs, ones that could be "the one" (other families may be quite different).
Wow. How did dad find out about a new girlfriend? IMHO, ending a text like that is sort of creepy and stalker-ish (unless the were told the news directly from their child).
Of course, in my immediate family, we never introduced our "casual" dates to our parents, only when we were seriously considering marriage. Ditto for my children when they were in college. I only met their very, very long term BFs or GFs, ones that could be "the one" (other families may be quite different).
He found out about the girlfriend from one of his other kids. I think he was trying to find a safe topic of conversation not related to their conflict. I can see how it would be viewed as creepy.
He found out about the girlfriend from one of his other kids. I think he was trying to find a safe topic of conversation not related to their conflict. I can see how it would be viewed as creepy.
The problem is that this man assumes what is a safe topic of conversation. He doesn't consider the purpose of the boundaries. The boundaries that have been placed by the son can be summed up like this: I don't want you to know anything about me.
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Like anything, there's my side, their side, and somewhere in the middle there's the truth and I recognize that. My parent's friends and some of our family know their side where they make overtures about feeling regretful and bad. They don't know that when they express those feelings to me, it's all about their feelings rather than the work they're doing to address ongoing issues to ensure that that behavior changes. 
