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The average guy is pretty much a pushover, a source of constant laughter from my perspective. That’s not how my relationship works. We each have our own hobbies and interests and live our lives together but on our own terms. I would never live my life on someone else’s schedule or terms. I even find it silly that couples insist upon sleeping in the same room let alone same bed constantly. I did that for years, it was awful. I want to go to bed when I want to go to bed and not one minute before or after that. And I’ll sleep until I’m done sleeping. We both love it this way. We love our time together but not smothering each other.
I’ve never understood why guys settle for a girl with whom they have nothing in common. I never met any girl I had much in common with before my GF, to be fair, but that’s why I avoided them. I’m not a celebrate your differences kinda dude, for better or worse. I didn’t want a stereotypical girly girl.
I have men friends, and for the most part am still friends with them even though I am married and some of them are married as well. One guy I used to be friends with ditched me once he got a serious girlfriend. It really hurt my feelings. We had been friends for years and I used to help with his kids and even set him up on dates. We were 100 percent just friends. Then he met a girl and she " forbid" him to see me. To this day I still can't believe he listened to that nonsense. My husband would never have the nerve to try to forbid me to see someone. And if he did he wouldn't be my husband.
But I know both men and women sometimes disappear when they get into a relationship. I find this behaviour annoying and won't really put up with it for long. I mean if you are a friend be a friend, whether you have a partner or not. Sure things change a bit and there may not be as much hanging out, but to completely disappear and not want to hang out at all anymore, just not cool. I also find it annoying when the friend will hang out, but only if their new partner can be there too.
I stated this in a similar thread recently, but 33 year old male in a LTR with my girlfriend and I have many close female friends. Yes, the closest ones are ones I have known for years and years and I would never ditch them just because a girl I was dating didn't like it. It would have just meant that girl was not the one for me.
But I do still occasionally make and maintain friendships with women I meet, but there is nothing romantic of sketchy about it. Should my girlfriend also be worried about gay male friends that I have? Or should I be worried about her gay female friends? Yes there are common sense boundaries that most people recognize, but I certainly don't stop myself from becoming friends with someone just because they are female.
Everyone is going to be different and everyone's partners are going to be different.
And what's kind of funny is that the men who want that so badly, assume like you do, that it's what all women want, and when they actually struggle to find it, and suddenly all the women just want to have uncommitted fun or short term relationships, and no woman wants to sign her soul (and uterus) away within the first week of dating, they get all mad. Like they feel they're offering the gold standard and can't grasp why chicks aren't all over it. It's a hoot. Then they hop online to gripe about how great the good ol' days were and how the world is going to hell in a handbasket. It's entirely predictable.
Funny that you mentioned it. I made that mistake with my first girlfriend. I was 18, and so was she. I wasn't into her looks, and pretty much settled for her. And yet, I pushed the "relationship" agenda from the get-go. Apparently, she liked me enough to date me for a few months; hey, I'm not complaining. But I should have known something was wrong when sex wasn't happening; the most we did was kiss (my first one, to boot). Of course, I now know that being 18, she wasn't attracted to my type of guys. And settling down with stable types was still at least a decade away.
Law of supply and demand is also at play here. Having being lonely in high school, I had a lot of love to give, if you know what I mean. And no willing takers, either, until she came along. She, in retrospect, was possibly interested in simply getting to know new people in a new city. Thus, supply exceeded demand, and drove down the price. And with her being the only taker, I had to either do it on her terms or not at all.
If I could take my 35-year-old mind and send it back in time, that girl could have been a fun friend to chill with, and occasionally cuddle while watching a movie. (Not unlike how I do with my platonic female friend today, who I actually find attractive too.) As opposed to going for broke trying to build a relationship on unsuitable ground, just because she showed interest in me. Oh well, live and learn.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JonathanLB
I’ve never understood why guys settle for a girl with whom they have nothing in common. I never met any girl I had much in common with before my GF, to be fair, but that’s why I avoided them. I’m not a celebrate your differences kinda dude, for better or worse. I didn’t want a stereotypical girly girl.
Sex.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 08-16-2018 at 05:56 PM..
^ I suppose. But do you really know that many guys who have settled *long term* on a girl purely because of sex? Maybe that's just not the kind of people I tend to be around. But I don't see that. I see it in the fairly short term sometimes yes.
Also sometimes having nothing in common is just on the surface. I have seen couples who have very little in common tangibly or immediately visibly, but their personalities and personal chemistry was undeniable and their life goals were in alignment. Just because they didn't read the same kind of books or watch the same kind of movies and he cared about sports and she cared about literature didn't mean they weren't actually a great couple. It's not super common (usually when personalities click so well there are a lot of common interests as a result) but I have seen it enough times to know it exists.
^ I suppose. But do you really know that many guys who have settled *long term* on a girl purely because of sex? Maybe that's just not the kind of people I tend to be around. But I don't see that. I see it in the fairly short term sometimes yes.
Also sometimes having nothing in common is just on the surface. I have seen couples who have very little in common tangibly or immediately visibly, but their personalities and personal chemistry was undeniable and their life goals were in alignment. Just because they didn't read the same kind of books or watch the same kind of movies and he cared about sports and she cared about literature didn't mean they weren't actually a great couple. It's not super common (usually when personalities click so well there are a lot of common interests as a result) but I have seen it enough times to know it exists.
I've seen overbearing men "settle" with women who were entirely incompatible on the inside, merely because they were hot on the outside and/or the sex was good. The thing is, they simply dismiss everything about who she is and try to force her personality into who they need/want her to be. A lot of these men seem to target young, inexperienced, and unwise women (regardless of their own age or experience levels) that they can manipulate more easily.
Whenever a difference arises, they just throw down an ultimatum and demand she conform to his side of things.
I suppose there must be women who do similar things to men, too. I think Millennial Urbanist sees this in every shadow of every suburban living room, probably, with women forcing men this way and that against their will. There is only so far you can take a power differential in a relationship before it becomes abusive.
One's social needs should probably be on the short list of things that people discuss early in dating. If you need to have and keep friends (particularly of the opposite sex) then your partner should know that, so that they can decide if that will cause them unreasonable amounts of discomfort. If you're the kind of person to expect your partner to give up most or all of their friends, or certain friends, that's probably something you should also disclose. I think the issue is that people just assume that how they do whatever is "right" and whoever they are dating should fall in line with it, and don't bother to talk about such things. That seems pretty disrespectful to me, and a recipe for incompatibility landmines later.
Well, that's a good thing, you know these guys were actually among the GOOD ones, you must have made friends with really quality people. The non-quality ones keep talking to other people of the opposite gender throughout their relationship, usually inappropriately.
I always found it funny being on the other side, always made me chuckle, and I was single long enough not to turn into the same suckers every other guy was. I had countless girl friends on Facebook, other online sources, and I'd talk to a lot of them a few times a week, all of them were good looking girls (thus why I befriended them). There was really not one of them, ever, in my entire life, who didn't talk openly with me about literally anything I wanted to know. And by anything, I mean use your X-rated imagination. None of these girls felt it was inappropriate, apparently, to be discussing their sex lives with me while in a relationship. I remember thinking about it once, because I usually just didn't care to even think about their stupid boyfriends, but one time I was trying to remember ever being told once, "That's none of your business" or "That's between my boyfriend and I" or anything to that effect. I realized among the dozens of girls I had become friends with, not one of them ever said that.
Reason #287 why it's not appropriate for your girlfriend to have guy friends, or be texting other guys, or any contact besides professional contact with the opposite gender. Clearly, even if people SHOULD understand what is or is not appropriate behavior, they really don't. It's the 1 in 100 person who doesn't cross the line, and yet I guarantee 90 of those 100 think they did nothing wrong. "What? She had a rash on her butt and I was just helping her see it, as a friend, and stuff." Ok buddy. Sure you were.
Relationships mean, in a good one, the guy and girl friends go the way of the dodo bird, the dinosaur, etc.
Nah, a healthy relationship doesn't mean one abandons their opposite-sex friends (particularly if these are life-long friendships).
If it works for you and your girlfriend, then more power to you guys. It wouldn't for me, or the current girlfriend I'm dating.
Of course, proper boundaries should be enforced (not saying that at all), but that can be done without abandoning friends, especially ones you've known for a long time.
But do you really know that many guys who have settled *long term* on a girl purely because of sex? Maybe that's just not the kind of people I tend to be around. But I don't see that. I see it in the fairly short term sometimes yes.
Me again. That first girlfriend I mentioned earlier, if we hadn't fizzled out, I'd have kept seeing her. (Although with sex not happening, I'd probably get resentful eventually.) After all, I didn't think any other girl would show interest, and with my dumb mindset at the time, I believed that some girlfriend, no matter how unsatisfying the relationship with her is, is better than no girlfriend at all. Boy oh boy, if only I could send my 35-year-old mind back in time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
I suppose there must be women who do similar things to men, too. I think Millennial Urbanist sees this in every shadow of every suburban living room, probably, with women forcing men this way and that against their will. There is only so far you can take a power differential in a relationship before it becomes abusive.
Yup, I do see it that way, and thanks for thinking of me. One thing I'll never understand, though. Far too many single people go out, have fun, do exciting things, live an active lifestyle, and meet interesting people, with one goal and one goal only: TO STOP going out, having fun, doing exciting things, living an active lifestyle, and meeting interesting people. Yeah, they continue to enjoy life as couples, but it's wholesome "church" joy, if you know what I mean, not wow-inducing real joy.
I kind of get the appeal of not having to worry about planning weekend outings---there usually aren't any, unless it's something like dinner with the in-laws. After all, before Meetup became widespread in early 2010's, I'm sure finding single-friendly weekend outings after age 30 was a lesson in frustration. So yeah, I'm not surprised people settle down to spare themselves the hassle. Even if it means abandoning friends who were there for you, not just fun activity partners to hang out with. (On a side note, I'm curious why that site with faces and books became ingrained in our society, while Meetup has not. Any thoughts?)
Still, despite the counterexamples you shared with me, I can't help seeing live-in relationships as an anathema to enjoying life. It seems like relationships like yours are in the minority.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 08-22-2018 at 09:47 PM..
Do they unintentionally/intentionally ignore you?
Fall off the face of the earth? Lol
Distance themselves from you?
I'm asking because this happens A LOT with me. We'll be cool for a while, then they'll suddenly go ghost, I'll be completely out of the loop, then I happen to find out what's going on through second hand sources. Then it all clicks lol. I'm happy for them, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel blindsided. Especially if the conversation goes from almost daily to being nonexistent. Typically when people suddenly go ghost, I just move on because I understand that's how life is sometimes. I'm not one to question people about what they have going on in their lives. It's not my place to.
I know human beings are creatures of habit and a lot of our relationships are circumstantial, but I can't help but feel a little weird when this happens suddenly. With these friends we would instantly go from talking almost daily to complete silence. It's odd. It's not because I had feelings for these men, it's more like readjusting myself to getting used to not talking to them anymore. I completely understand people prioritizing new things, and I'm more than understanding about people moving on with their lives.
It's just always a little sad when you "lose" a friend and have to find out through second hand sources. I've been friends with guys who announced they had a fiancee or were in a new relationship, I was happy for them and congratulated them. The only time I feel weird is when they just disappear lol. If that makes sense. Of course I don't expect them to just tell me EVERYTHING, because it's really none my business. I guess I just feel a little blindsided.
I'm sure this happens more often than not. If this has happened to you, how did it make you feel when a friend suddenly "disappears?" Do you feel blindsided or left out?
One of my inner circle (friends) is a woman. There is some sexual tension, and we acknowledge it, both having healthy hetero sex lives with others mostly in terms of FBs, pickups, other ways to spend time w/o getting involved. We are good pals, emotionally intimate, but not BF/GF because I really don't want the whole "inherit five kids and embrace every part of her life as a true partner" thing. I've been honest about that, I think she gets it and doesn't pine much for me. I don't sense it. We're close, though.
If and when she finds the right guy, and marries, I will see less of her. We hang out monthly or so as-is and text weekly. That's just how it is, most husbands are suspicious of guys like me and could be trouble. I had a boss in the 1990s like that, who was almost a pal, and her husband loathed my intellect and ability to talk and laugh with his wife. Couple other cases like that, since. It just is.
Likewise, couple years ago I had a Russian GF who was jealous of her (call her 'A') so I had to dial it back a bit, to keep peace on the home front. 'A' heard what I said, and was probably a little hurt but did what she had to . Like all my GFs, the Russian went away...who cares...but my good pals still remained. Life partners are worthless to me, people who have my back invaluable which is why I only have four of them including 'A'.
If a man "ghosts" then he has better things to do, we tend to turn into lap dogs when getting good sex elsewhere plus try to establish an emotional connection with the lover, too. So what do they need you around for, then? You're on Friend Ladder. The other one is on the Real/Good Ladder. Seldom do we need both, exception being what I described in my good pal 'A'.
Yup, I do see it that way, and thanks for thinking of me. One thing I'll never understand, though. Far too many single people go out, have fun, do exciting things, live an active lifestyle, and meet interesting people, with one goal and one goal only: TO STOP going out, having fun, doing exciting things, living an active lifestyle, and meeting interesting people. Yeah, they continue to enjoy life as couples, but it's wholesome "church" joy, if you know what I mean, not wow-inducing real joy.
I kind of get the appeal of not having to worry about planning weekend outings---there usually aren't any, unless it's something like dinner with the in-laws. After all, before Meetup became widespread in early 2010's, I'm sure finding single-friendly weekend outings after age 30 was a lesson in frustration. So yeah, I'm not surprised people settle down to spare themselves the hassle. Even if it means abandoning friends who were there for you, not just fun activity partners to hang out with. (On a side note, I'm curious why that site with faces and books became ingrained in our society, while Meetup has not. Any thoughts?)
Still, despite the counterexamples you shared with me, I can't help seeing live-in relationships as an anathema to enjoying life. It seems like relationships like yours are in the minority.
I'm not trying to persuade you to anything other than an open mind. I think that PEOPLE like me and my boyfriend are in the minority. I think that most people in this country have some kind of religion, some idea of what grown up life should be like, and live lives that frankly I would find boring.
But while I might be a minority, I'm not a statistically insignificant or impossible to find type of a minority. I'm in a whole community full. And if you go to any music festival and look around with your eyes open, you will see tons of couples attending together for instance, who are not sitting at home or in church that day, they're rockin' out, having fun. Like I said before, the BIGGEST game changer isn't partnership, it's children. Having kids changes your life, habits, finances, free time, activities, even how you talk. (I quit using profanity for some years when mine were little!) For a span of years, you have to be a different person. Some people get there and find it so fulfilling they never leave. Some of us can't wait to get the mission accomplished and get back to living lives of our own. But then, for some people like myself, the word "selfish" is not a condemnation of character. I spent a lot of years being selfLESS often to the point of detriment and nearly to the point of self destruction, because of what I thought a good mother had to be. I'm not going to pine for grandbabies, I'm going to live for me, and if society don't like it, society can stuff it.
But it takes all kinds, you know?
Dude you talk about sitcoms sometimes, and that cracks me up, you know what sitcom I grew up watching? Three's Company. The theme music still gives me stabby feelings. What if I decided THAT'S how "relationships" operate, from watching that garbage, huh? lol!
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One thing I'll never understand, though. Far too many single people go out, have fun, do exciting things, live an active lifestyle, and meet interesting people, with one goal and one goal only: TO STOP going out, having fun, doing exciting things, living an active lifestyle, and meeting interesting people. Yeah, they continue to enjoy life as couples, but it's wholesome "church" joy, if you know what I mean, not wow-inducing real joy. 
