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I don't know what the content of this woman's complaints about her husband are, and I don't want to...but I will also add, when I was going thru, what I went thru with my husband, I talked about him and our situation...after so many years of conditioning, of manipulation, and mental abuse...well, without saying any more, it was awful....and I needed to talk.
they condition you not to talk, and as good as a person seems to be, you don't know a person until you live with them. My now ex, was a master at disguise, and also, only allowed me to have certain friends, it is their way of cutting support out of your life....
So, none of us know what this woman is going thru...not even the OP...you don't know someone until you actually live with them, so giving her the benefit of the doubt, OP, I would strongly suggest to her, to seek out couseling, b/c obviously it is so bad she chooses to belittle her husband to another person. She needs to think about what her next steps are...and then act on them, instead of talking about her situation, there is only so much the OP can do.
And that is what I'd advise her....and I believe the right thing to do.
I believe we has human beings, don't want to dirty up the protective plastic bubbles we've created around our own lives, by getting involved....we'd simply like to have a good time and move on....well, as we watch the goings on around us, i.e., the recent priest scandales, and the issue of the compound in NM, it's time we all wake up and consider what the right thing would be to do.
My mother always advised to be honest, even if it hurts, and she was right...we cannot do good by mankind by keeping our mouths shut and ignoring problems.
So.....what I'm saying here, is the woman could be in the wrong here...but what if she isn't? We don't know that, none of us do...
I would tell this woman, "look, I, enjoy spending time with you, and I'm here for you if need be...but instead of talking about your husband all the time, why not do something about it?". Tell her, "you think it's time, and you don't live there so you have no idea what is going on." Tell her, "I care, but there is nothing I can do...but there is something YOU can do...seek help...immediately!"
Tell her, there is nothing you can do to help, that she has got to help herself...and take action...take steps to better the situation...b/c this is not helping.
I don't know what the content of this woman's complaints about her husband are, and I don't want to...but I will also add, when I was going thru, what I went thru with my husband, I talked about him and our situation...after so many years of conditioning, of manipulation, and mental abuse...well, without saying any more, it was awful....and I needed to talk.
they condition you not to talk, and as good as a person seems to be, you don't know a person until you live with them. My now ex, was a master at disguise, and also, only allowed me to have certain friends, it is their way of cutting support out of your life....
So, none of us know what this woman is going thru...not even the OP...you don't know someone until you actually live with them, so giving her the benefit of the doubt, OP, I would strongly suggest to her, to seek out couseling, b/c obviously it is so bad she chooses to belittle her husband to another person. She needs to think about what her next steps are...and then act on them, instead of talking about her situation, there is only so much the OP can do.
And that is what I'd advise her....and I believe the right thing to do.
I believe we has human beings, don't want to dirty up the protective plastic bubbles we've created around our own lives, by getting involved....we'd simply like to have a good time and move on....well, as we watch the goings on around us, i.e., the recent priest scandales, and the issue of the compound in NM, it's time we all wake up and consider what the right thing would be to do.
My mother always advised to be honest, even if it hurts, and she was right...we cannot do good by mankind by keeping our mouths shut and ignoring problems.
So.....what I'm saying here, is the woman could be in the wrong here...but what if she isn't? We don't know that, none of us do...
I would tell this woman, "look, I, enjoy spending time with you, and I'm here for you if need be...but instead of talking about your husband all the time, why not do something about it?". Tell her, "you think it's time, and you don't live there so you have no idea what is going on." Tell her, "I care, but there is nothing I can do...but there is something YOU can do...seek help...immediately!"
Tell her, there is nothing you can do to help, that she has got to help herself...and take action...take steps to better the situation...b/c this is not helping.
I will agree with creme. No one can judge her situation but her. My own spouse, wants to continue to manipulate those around him into only seeing how wonderful he is, while at the same time showing me his Dr Jeckyll-Mr Hyde. and according to him, I am to tell NO One of his bad behavior.
It has taken me over 2 years to get this far in planning my escape. He has kept me isolated, and controlled. I only found this out AFTER we had married. Financial abuse is one of his weapons of choice.
OP- you may not be able to do anything for her personally, but maybe you can show her some options that maybe she isn't aware of in her situation. She may be "husband bashing" to see if anyone else sees what she sees. To see if she can find some support. It is scary to be caught in a manipulators web of deceit and abuse.
My SIL is in the same situation as the OP's friend. Married to a control freak/manipulator she cannot stand, but will not leave. Those of us who know her husband know that he is trouble and support her. She talks negatively about him constantly whenever she's around me and all her friends. Always needs to vent, barely takes a breath when she is ranting about him. Fortunately we don't see them often, but it is not fun to listen to her.
I've encouraged her to get counseling, but she doesn't do it. She says he won't go to counseling, so I've told her to go without him to figure out what she wants to do but she won't do that. I've asked her why she's staying, what's in it for her, and she doesn't have any answers. She's not very introspective.
She is independent financially so she's not staying for money. I think on one hand she likes being part of a couple - didn't marry until she was in her mid-40s - but can't stand him on the other hand. Unfortunate, but she's the only one who can make a change.
My SIL is in the same situation as the OP's friend. Married to a control freak/manipulator she cannot stand, but will not leave. Those of us who know her husband know that he is trouble and support her. She talks negatively about him constantly whenever she's around me and all her friends. Always needs to vent, barely takes a breath when she is ranting about him. Fortunately we don't see them often, but it is not fun to listen to her.
I've encouraged her to get counseling, but she doesn't do it. She says he won't go to counseling, so I've told her to go without him to figure out what she wants to do but she won't do that. I've asked her why she's staying, what's in it for her, and she doesn't have any answers. She's not very introspective.
She is independent financially so she's not staying for money. I think on one hand she likes being part of a couple - didn't marry until she was in her mid-40s - but can't stand him on the other hand. Unfortunate, but she's the only one who can make a change.
I had a cousin going thru a similar relationship with her husband, she finally started going to counseling, strange isn't it, how the abuser runs similar patterns. She finally left, but it took her years to conclude that was the only way to acquire some peace. He father was extremely manipulative. So was my maternal mother...it took me years to decide what I had to do, but I came to the realization, (and this is another note for the OP) I had to stop blaming him and come to terms with why I chose someone so dysfunction, someone I didn't deserve.
I don't know what the content of this woman's complaints about her husband are, and I don't want to...but I will also add, when I was going thru, what I went thru with my husband, I talked about him and our situation...after so many years of conditioning, of manipulation, and mental abuse...well, without saying any more, it was awful....and I needed to talk.
they condition you not to talk, and as good as a person seems to be, you don't know a person until you live with them. My now ex, was a master at disguise, and also, only allowed me to have certain friends, it is their way of cutting support out of your life....
So, none of us know what this woman is going thru...not even the OP...you don't know someone until you actually live with them, so giving her the benefit of the doubt, OP, I would strongly suggest to her, to seek out couseling, b/c obviously it is so bad she chooses to belittle her husband to another person. She needs to think about what her next steps are...and then act on them, instead of talking about her situation, there is only so much the OP can do.
And that is what I'd advise her....and I believe the right thing to do.
I believe we has human beings, don't want to dirty up the protective plastic bubbles we've created around our own lives, by getting involved....we'd simply like to have a good time and move on....well, as we watch the goings on around us, i.e., the recent priest scandales, and the issue of the compound in NM, it's time we all wake up and consider what the right thing would be to do.
My mother always advised to be honest, even if it hurts, and she was right...we cannot do good by mankind by keeping our mouths shut and ignoring problems.
So.....what I'm saying here, is the woman could be in the wrong here...but what if she isn't? We don't know that, none of us do...
I would tell this woman, "look, I, enjoy spending time with you, and I'm here for you if need be...but instead of talking about your husband all the time, why not do something about it?". Tell her, "you think it's time, and you don't live there so you have no idea what is going on." Tell her, "I care, but there is nothing I can do...but there is something YOU can do...seek help...immediately!"
Tell her, there is nothing you can do to help, that she has got to help herself...and take action...take steps to better the situation...b/c this is not helping.
The assumption here is that it's the husband's fault. It's quite possible that she is the master manipulator and control freak, magnifying every little flaw or every misstep into a soap opera.
But the second part of your advice is dead on: Either do something about it or stop complaining. Earlier in this thread, I mentioned the friend of my wife's. She liked the well-to-do lifestyle. Had she filed for divorce, she would have quite a bit of money in marital assets to start life anew. But she preferred to soldier on with complaints and passive aggressiveness in her actions.
The assumption here is that it's the husband's fault. It's quite possible that she is the master manipulator and control freak, magnifying every little flaw or every misstep into a soap opera.
But the second part of your advice is dead on: Either do something about it or stop complaining. Earlier in this thread, I mentioned the friend of my wife's. She liked the well-to-do lifestyle. Had she filed for divorce, she would have quite a bit of money in marital assets to start life anew. But she preferred to soldier on with complaints and passive aggressiveness in her actions.
I'm going to say this again, it isn't an assumption, however, it is in fact an idea...as I said before, none of us know "why" she is talking about her husband, so we have to take her seriously unless otherwise proven, right? I'm sorry for misleading you and others....but we don't know what is truly going on....and yes, I wanted to interject my thoughts on abuse, just in case that is what it is?
I hope you both went to counseling, it's always good to receive a perspective from another source not connected....
My late MIL was like this (FIL was a real sweetie but never good enough for her). I'm sure she thought people would sympathize with her, but all it did was make her sound like a real (female dog).
Maybe say that to friend, "Do you realize how bad you sound when you bash your husband? If you had been like this when we met, we never would have become friends." Use the B word if necessary.
I did detail some of what she says, but the thread is growing, so those that have been sharing their thoughts from the beginning may understand best, otherwise you may need to sift through.
A lot has been discussed - rightly so- that as much as she has to say, we really know nothing of what goes on behind closed doors. We have taken that into consideration and run scenarios about what he might do that makes her feel like she can try to go off when we are a foursome of friends that all established the friendship together. We have wondered any number of things but we haven't asked because that's where it's not up to us to pry, which is what it would be to blindside them with, "Did you cheat or run up your debt or, XYZ? ...Why is she so mad at you? " There is obviously a huge gray area that we just don't know- so we have given that some thought, and realize no one knows except them for sure.
To answer speculation as to what type of person he might be within the thread, I have to say he's as stand up a guy as the way I see my own loving husband to be. He works long night shifts and overtime and she stays at home- she will admit that she always knows where he is... She reads his texts and will delete or answer them for him (has happened with us)... She cancelled his gym membership at one point because she didnt think he needed it, even though he used it all the time (she kept hers though to the same gym, which she rarely uses)... He spends many afternoons after school, but before his work shifts, coaching their kids teams and spends almost every weekend carting their kids to meets... We do know for a fact that she controls their money, but before she stayed at home she worked in finance and so that comes naturally to her, she says... She hates his family and has done a good job from our perspective of telling him at every chance how bad they are to him, and to her, and even has discussed it with their kids-- she fans that flame. You get the idea.
I definitely appreciate all of the different perspectives because I do want to do the right thing and know we have to handle this carefully. I might not post again, because it's making me feel bad that maybe we are not the friends I thought we were (to find so much fault with her that didn't seem to bother us before), but I do read them all and the different advice is helping to sort things out.
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