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In marriage you have to pick your battles. Unfortunately, I believe this is a battle that you must pick. Next time the FIL calls answer the phone (perhaps when DH is working) and tell the FIL that it's just you and your husband buying this house. Say it in a nice, casual way. Write what you're going to say before he calls.
Tell DH that when FIL called he asked you what you thought of this situation and you responded. If your DH gets mad. Too bad. He'll get over it. He may even thank you later.
I am giving this advice since the DH has blinders on since it's his Dad and continues to go into an obviously bad business and family deal. I also think that if this goes forward with the FIL-check situation, it will not end well at all! Nip this in the bud now!
This is my sense of it. Based on previous years of knowing this man, macho provider status is very important to him. And we have given him an out, numerous times, very graciously. But he still insists that the check is on its way.
As I said, I don't want or need the check. My husband says it will make his dad feel proud and useful to send it and we should let him.
Would it be possible to give him another way to feel proud and useful - just not this one?
Maybe he could contribute funds toward a super special family event - a cruise or international travel of some kind, so that he is helping everyone to have a memorable experience together rather than an asset that requires "investors."
In marriage you have to pick your battles. Unfortunately, I believe this is a battle that you must pick. Next time the FIL calls answer the phone (perhaps when DH is working) and tell the FIL that it's just you and your husband buying this house. Say it in a nice, casual way. Write what you're going to say before he calls.
Tell DH that when FIL called he asked you what you thought of this situation and you responded. If your DH gets mad. Too bad. He'll get over it. He may even thank you later.
I am giving this advice since the DH has blinders on since it's his Dad and continues to go into an obviously bad business and family deal. I also think that if this goes forward with the FIL-check situation, it will not end well at all! Nip this in the bud now!
We had a similar situation a long time ago. In-laws gave us a piece of land they had for 30 years. The then value in cash went to SIL. A long commute for SO but we found a local builder and were ready to move forward. In-laws dragged signing the land over to the point I showed up with the builder who was a neighbor. I heard at the beauty shop that my in-laws built a house for us. MIL showed up with friends and did home tours of the house she had built for us. … It was a great place but I do not miss it. 20 years later she still talks about the house.
Mingling funds you do not have is like riding a unicorn.
Maintenance, furnishings, major repairs, insurance, utilities, taxes, property manager - who will pay this on a timely basis?
Access - how will you determine who with friends/family will be able to occupy the cottage and when especially as you plan to rent it as well? How will you deal with him potentially moving in permanently?
Aside from your husband having a soft spot - how does your CPA see this?
I think you're better off not taking any funds from FIL. Once money gets involved, he's going to claim 'ownership' of some sorts. You're going to have a full time tenant in your vacation home.
Yep. If he's so unreliable NOW, how's it going to get better down the road?
What a disaster. I know what it's like to have a spouse that wants to be liked/loved and having to deal with manipulative people who hold out false hope.
With us it went on for over a year. I tried laying out the facts about promises made but never kept, statements made that were revealed as lies. I pleaded. I begged. But no. He was certain that we were dealing with good people and they would come through. Finally, one day in desperation, I burst out, "Why do you let these people diss you?" And like that, the spell was broken. He finally saw they had no respect for him whatsoever. I took over and finished the business. Turned out the liars had cost us a lot of money.
Ever since then I have been the family enforcer. He's a sweet guy, smart and eccentric, faithful. But he's not up to, say, telling someone to leave our house because they've overstayed their welcome. Those jobs fall to me.
OP, you may have to become the family enforcer. Your husband's first responsibility is to the woman he married, not to the father he wishes he'd had.
Not exactly but he does want to include him on some profit sharing if we end up renting it out to other vacationers when we are not using it, or even getting a tenant in to take care of it for a season when we are on travel (of course, if dear old dad isn't available.) So he is hesitant to really move things forward without knowing for sure that FIL is in.
I am certain that we will have a much better and easier time if we maintain 100% control over this property without FIL's funds. I am putting money in and so is my husband. We really don't need to play this game with his father. But yes, there is a very ingrained childhood dynamic here.
Whose idea was the profit sharing? Did his dad come up with that? It sounds like he wants to milk his son for retirement income, with little or no investment at all. And your son is falling for all of this. OY!
IDK what to say. Either proceed on your own and have the property be 100% yours (if dad ever comes up with any money, it can pay for a hot tub), or forget about it, in your own mind; just walk away from it, and let dad and son wrangle over it for as long as dad can drag out the charade.
If any profit-sharing is agreed to, there could be endless arguing over how much of a cut dad gets, unless it's spelled out that since dad contributed 5%, he only gets 5% of any rent money. There could also be endless arguments down the road, about renting it full-time, because dad now needs to pay for nursing home care, or something. This is a can of worms!
I could see something like this eventually jeopardizing a marriage. All of it's a terrible idea. Why isn't dad happy simply with the possibility of being an occasional guest? Why is that not enough? (This is a rhetorical question, OP; you don't have to answer.)
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 08-14-2018 at 10:50 AM..
What a disaster. I know what it's like to have a spouse that wants to be liked/loved and having to deal with manipulative people who hold out false hope.
With us it went on for over a year. I tried laying out the facts about promises made but never kept, statements made that were revealed as lies. I pleaded. I begged. But no. He was certain that we were dealing with good people and they would come through. Finally, one day in desperation, I burst out, "Why do you let these people diss you?" And like that, the spell was broken. He finally saw they had no respect for him whatsoever. I took over and finished the business. Turned out the liars had cost us a lot of money.
Ever since then I have been the family enforcer. He's a sweet guy, smart and eccentric, faithful. But he's not up to, say, telling someone to leave our house because they've overstayed their welcome. Those jobs fall to me.
OP, you may have to become the family enforcer. Your husband's first responsibility is to the woman he married, not to the father he wishes he'd had.
I love it! The Terminator!
The only problem is, that it's his dad, not some unrelated scheisters. That's a bit more of a sticky wicket.
Would it be possible to give him another way to feel proud and useful - just not this one?
Maybe he could contribute funds toward a super special family event - a cruise or international travel of some kind, so that he is helping everyone to have a memorable experience together rather than an asset that requires "investors."
I'm starting to wonder if he's not offering to "invest" in the place just so he can extract all kinds of benefits out of it, that would be far beyond his investment amount. I think he's conning his son in more ways than one. Once he puts in his paltry percent, he could demand anything. He could milk the deal for one thing or another--a cut of any rental income, inviting friends to stay there with him whenever he feels like it, leaving the place a mess, and more--and for drama value, as well. Endless phone calls back and forth haggling over his percent of the rent, with him being the center of attention, of course. More phone calls and drama over how often he can use the place, or how often he can invite his own guests (since he's a "co-owner"!), or whether he's allowed to invite guests at all, and eventually perhaps, moving in full-time, or for entire summers.
This "investment" line, especially if a check actually materializes, could be a Trojan horse. I wonder if dad has shown any manipulative tendencies in the past.
Thanks for all of the well-intentioned and thoughtful responses. I know exactly who my FIL is and as I said in my OP, I don't think he is trustworthy at all.
My husband has a different opinion and needs to do some work on that. Short of dragging him to a therapist I have limited control on how he processes his family relationships. We can duke it out (and have in the past) but part of me feels as though he will not wake up until someone other than me points out what is going on. It can't be a family member. It can't be a wife. It has to be someone who is objective and not carrying around their own opinions or baggage about FIL. Otherwise, my husband won't let it actually penetrate.
I have arranged for him to speak to a very well regarded real estate attorney to specifically address the potential pitfalls of a situation in which we accept an "investment" from FIL. Yes, I realize that we are about as likely to get a check as I am to become a professional basketball player (read: impossibly unlikely) but I am trying to appeal to my husband's very well developed sense of logic and conservatism with regard to risk.
Barring that, I have spoken to our realtor about moving ahead with the two of us as sole owners. We are approved for the small mortgage, we have had inspections and are awaiting appraisal with a closing date projected for mid September. None of this has anything to do with FIL and I am going to try and keep the ball rolling as though he had never talked about "investing."
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