Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Yeah, I was wondering myself, OP, reading your story, why you got back together with her, after that initial rift. What was the point?
I felt guilty the way I did it. I basically just ghosted her when the rift happened. Completely cut her off, removed her from social media, and all that stuff. because her drama was too much.
I then reached out to her telling her why I did it, and that I would like to rekindle the friendship but she needs to stop the drama and what not.
Frimpter...just as an observer, outside looking in...you seem to need a little drama in your life. Maybe need isn't the right word...but a LITTLE drama seems to be your normal. Just an observation.
Frimpter...just as an observer, outside looking in...you seem to need a little drama in your life. Maybe need isn't the right word...but a LITTLE drama seems to be your normal. Just an observation.
I think part of my problem is that I get close to emotionally unstable people. And because I give friendships and relationships my all, I feel like it feeds into them, and then drains me. I am learning though and putting things on here helps me realize these things when posters such as yourself give me this feedback.
For example a best friend I had that I posted about a year ago on how he decided to stop talking to me because of his weed problem after I had been through so much with him and was trying to help. If he were to come back today, I wouldn't welcome his friendship, never. Yes we were best friends for 15 years, but I realized how toxic he was and I realize how my life is good if not better without him. 5 years ago I would have, forgiven or reached out to him to save the friendship even with all the drama.
This friend from this thread? As you can see once before I cut her off, only to go back. That was back then. Now I am in the same boat as above with her. I will not permit her to bring the drama to me anymore. If she doesn't like that then I am fine with moving on.
The friend I dated that you are all sick of hearing about? A couple months ago, I told him he needed to stop keeping tabs on me and that the friendship is in jeopardy because of the way he behaves. I also restrict how often I see him. I also told him (and I am enforcing) that we no longer hang out 1-1 because it always turns into something, him playing mind games. When I see he gets over those tendencies we can hang out 1-1 again, until then I am not allowing it (and it's helping bring balance and neutralizing the friendship).
I am also starting to see what a healthy friendship and relationship looks like. I am starting to date someone else now who is very emotionally stable, no drama. He's integrating well into my life and it's making me realize what a TRUE healthy relationship is.
So I definitely agree with you and I am learning. I think this friend, my friend from last year, and the friend I dated have all taught me a valuable lesson on selecting who I invest my time and energy on. That's why I became so quiet and cold with this friend. I was not having it with her. I am her friend, not her therapist, and I need to stop enabling it.
These responses are making me realize I did the right thing for myself and my mental health too.
One of my best friends who lives in another city, I have been purposely cold to the past couple weeks. It's not to play games but because she drains me and her drama is just ridiculous and I don't want to get dragged in. I will explain.
She has a son with a man she married about 10 years ago. She divorced that husband. I met her about 6 years ago. When I met her she was moving back with her ex (at the point they had been divorced a few years), even though she was employed, and not because of a relationship, but because she was financially dependent of him and her son. They were platonic, and always have been since the divorce. During those few years living with him she would tell me how emotionally abusive he was and what not. I told her if that was the case that she needs to become financially independent and move out. She kept saying she was going to, but it always drama. Then one day they got into a fight, he insulted her and then she slapped him across the face and told him to leave HIS OWN house. Like an idiot he did. She came crying to me telling me what happened, and I told her I disagreed with her and she got mad at me. We then had a rift.
A few months later we went back to normal. She was still financially dependent of her ex-husband. She decided to move with her son to her mother's place which was across the country. She was there for two years still complaining about her ex-husband but still using his money. During those two years away she didn't work and was dependent on her ex-husband via child support. Then one day her mother attacked (choked her) and she decided to move back with her ex-husband.
Now she is back living with her ex-husband (again they are just roommates and she is financially dependent on him). The same deal about how emotionally abusive he is and how he treats her. I told her I did not want to discuss the problem of the ex-husband with her anymore. To fix her problem or shut up, but I was done with it. She respected my wishes. In these two years she has been unemployed for the most part as well.
A month ago she finally landed a new job after almost a year of unemployment, only to quit after two weeks. Then her ex and her got into an argument and he got really nasty with her supposedly. She decided to call the cops and she told them that he has a gun in the house, an unregistered gun....they came and arrested him.
Now she has to move out via court order because he owns the place, but with no money and no job she is helpless. She came crying to me about this story. My reaction was cold. I told her I was sorry to hear what was happening, but I was thinking to myself "If you knew he was so emotionally abusive why have you decided to stay dependent of him and still live with him for so long?!" But all I told her was that I was sorry and I hope that she and her ex can now settle things for good. She told it was a traumatizing experience that he was about to hit her and that she was in fear of her life which is why she told the cops about his gun. I didn't really say much to that.
She then called me to ask if I could cosign an apartment, as she doesn't have the credit as she has been living in a hotel the past few days. I told her no, that I would not. And since then I have asked very little on how she is doing or have offered no help.
I feel like she dug her own grave on this one and after years of hearing it all, I don't want to anymore. I also feel this is a situation of you reap what you sow. It's draining. But I am being too cold? Should I show more compassion by checking in on her? I am avoiding her like the plague, and she is one of my best friends, but I had it with her drama. Don't want, don't need it. If this was newer problem would be a different story. But her and her ex, this has been like this for six years now.
You've done right. Perhaps you could tell her you don't want to be involved in her life anymore then block her calls. For your own well-being, if you have to be cold, you have to be cold.
Never co-sign for anyone. I ended up paying out a $3000 dollar loan I co-signed for my boyfriend. When we broke up he never saw me again and did not offer to pay me back. I got zip. But I eventually accepted it because it was a small price to pay to be out of the relationship.
I think part of my problem is that I get close to emotionally unstable people. And because I give friendships and relationships my all, I feel like it feeds into them, and then drains me. I am learning though and putting things on here helps me realize these things when posters such as yourself give me this feedback.
For example a best friend I had that I posted about a year ago on how he decided to stop talking to me because of his weed problem after I had been through so much with him and was trying to help. If he were to come back today, I wouldn't welcome his friendship, never. Yes we were best friends for 15 years, but I realized how toxic he was and I realize how my life is good if not better without him. 5 years ago I would have, forgiven or reached out to him to save the friendship even with all the drama.
This friend from this thread? As you can see once before I cut her off, only to go back. That was back then. Now I am in the same boat as above with her. I will not permit her to bring the drama to me anymore. If she doesn't like that then I am fine with moving on.
The friend I dated that you are all sick of hearing about? A couple months ago, I told him he needed to stop keeping tabs on me and that the friendship is in jeopardy because of the way he behaves. I also restrict how often I see him. I also told him (and I am enforcing) that we no longer hang out 1-1 because it always turns into something, him playing mind games. When I see he gets over those tendencies we can hang out 1-1 again, until then I am not allowing it (and it's helping bring balance and neutralizing the friendship).
I am also starting to see what a healthy friendship and relationship looks like. I am starting to date someone else now who is very emotionally stable, no drama. He's integrating well into my life and it's making me realize what a TRUE healthy relationship is.
So I definitely agree with you and I am learning. I think this friend, my friend from last year, and the friend I dated have all taught me a valuable lesson on selecting who I invest my time and energy on. That's why I became so quiet and cold with this friend. I was not having it with her. I am her friend, not her therapist, and I need to stop enabling it.
These responses are making me realize I did the right thing for myself and my mental health too.
This is all good Frimpter. Sincerely, glad to hear it. :-)
Time to end this friendship.There are some people who thrive on drama in their lives.You have been a great friend to her but she has drained you with all of her unnecessary drama.You gave her great advice years ago but she choose not to listen to you.She sounds like someone who would rather have an abusive ex take care of her then her take care of herself.The ex is also stupid for putting up with this all these years.
Stay far away from her for good and your life will be much better for it.You have done what you could.You were a good friend to her and IF she had cared about you and appreciated your great friendship...she would have listened to your advice..she never did.Move forward.
I had a friend who constantly repeated the same scenarios and then complained about and rationalized her bad decisions. The same tedious loops all the time. After a 40+ year friendship I finally had to cut the fragile cord that remained of our friendship. I still love and think about her. But I just needed a break from learning about her struggles. It doesn’t get easier than cutting if off now —- it gets harder.
I had a friend who constantly repeated the same scenarios and then complained about and rationalized her bad decisions. The same tedious loops all the time. After a 40+ year friendship I finally had to cut the fragile cord that remained of our friendship. I still love and think about her. But I just needed a break from learning about her struggles. It doesn’t get easier than cutting if off now —- it gets harder.
Yeah. Makes sense. I'm definitely distancing myself, and see how that goes. But I am not investing in this much more.
OP....Your biggest problem is that you are taking your own advice, the very advice that you have given to her regarding her abusive husband........Stay away from this person, quit re-inviting her into your life. Nothing has changed over the years, and yet you have still encumbered yourself with her dramatic scenarios.
You've backed away at this point, do not quilt yourself back into it. And certainly do not co-sign any sort of financial situation with anyone that has no way to pay their own bills...You know that she is dependent.....why let her use you.
There are plenty of supportive programs for single mom's.....She needs to contact social services and find out what she can qualify for....You are not a social service agency.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
