Why do some people dwell on being a "cancer survivor"? (wife, husband)
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I know someone who had a lumpectomy for breast cancer 5 years ago. She frequently posts on social media about being a "cancer survivor," got a tattoo about it, attends "pink tie" events (breast cancer events), wears her 5-year Survivor hat in Race for the Cure, etc.
The other day it was just too much for me. I told her I had just visited my friend who was dying of pancreatic cancer, that there is no surviving for her. I also said that for people like me (and her, though I didn't say that), whose cancer treatment was a surgical, "once and done," as my melanoma was, calling myself a "cancer survivor" seems to be a slap to those who really had to FIGHT. Like my other friend, with a 5% chance of surviving, who suffered through horrendous treatments and clinical trials for a YEAR---yeah, SHE is a cancer survivor.
But to have a surgery and then be fine....why do some people think that's any bigger deal than surviving any other surgery, or infection, or illness? Why would people want to "define" themselves by some health issue they had in the past??
Why is it necessary to compare people's health scares? I guarantee you that someone has it worse than your friend with pancreatic cancer. But that doesn't give me license to dimish what she's going through.
And let me reassure you that breast cancer isn't necessarily "once and done." Recurrence is definitely a possibility. I know someone who has been declared cancer free twice. And when she's been declared cancer free, it only brings a temporary sense of relief. Every time she goes to the doctor for a follow up, she has a knot in her stomach because she's afraid of the results. And she will probably carry that fear with her for the rest of her life. It will never be some health issue she had in the past. So who am I to question her desire to make everything pink and attend related events? If that's how she deals with what she's been dealt, then good for her.
So who am I to question her desire to make everything pink and attend related events? If that's how she deals with what she's been dealt, then good for her.
And let me reassure you that breast cancer isn't necessarily "once and done." Recurrence is definitely a possibility. I know someone who has been declared cancer free twice. And when she's been declared cancer free, it only brings a temporary sense of relief. Every time she goes to the doctor for a follow up, she has a knot in her stomach because she's afraid of the results. And she will probably carry that fear with her for the rest of her life. It will never be some health issue she had in the past.
That's probably it really. Cancer isn't quite the same as other surgeries because a lot of them can be pretty darn tough to get rid of for good (I think breast cancer is one of those that can do a good job of hiding out). There's always that chance it will come back and you always have that scare that it can spread to other organs. So it's a little different that way.
Your friend's probably doing what's she's doing 'cause she's thrilled to death it's gone now and that she doesn't have to go through something real miserable at the moment. Sure some cancers are deadlier than others, but I think anything like that can be frightening to people. I don't think I would discount their feelings to want to celebrate not getting knocked down by something too bad, and it may have been very traumatic to them; just because I don't see objectively how it could be that bad doesn't mean it wasn't to them.
Why is it necessary to compare people's health scares? I guarantee you that someone has it worse than your friend with pancreatic cancer. But that doesn't give me license to dimish what she's going through.
And let me reassure you that breast cancer isn't necessarily "once and done." Recurrence is definitely a possibility. I know someone who has been declared cancer free twice. And when she's been declared cancer free, it only brings a temporary sense of relief. Every time she goes to the doctor for a follow up, she has a knot in her stomach because she's afraid of the results. And she will probably carry that fear with her for the rest of her life. It will never be some health issue she had in the past. So who am I to question her desire to make everything pink and attend related events? If that's how she deals with what she's been dealt, then good for her.
Ok, I can see some of what you're saying. *Some.*
It still doesn't make a lot of sense to me though. None of us gets out of this life alive. Sure, some people may be scared that their cancer will come back. But focusing so much on it makes no more sense *to me* than someone getting a "car wreck survivor" tattoo, because they are worried about getting in another car wreck.
And probably this week's incident was just bad timing. Having just seen my dying friend, having suffered a personal family loss last week (she offered no condolences nor even mentioned it), never asking about my or my husband's cancer status (which would be fine because we don't dwell on it), it was just all about her, and it rubbed me the wrong way more than usual. It made me quite sad actually.
Why is it necessary to compare people's health scares? I guarantee you that someone has it worse than your friend with pancreatic cancer. But that doesn't give me license to dimish what she's going through.
And let me reassure you that breast cancer isn't necessarily "once and done." Recurrence is definitely a possibility. I know someone who has been declared cancer free twice. And when she's been declared cancer free, it only brings a temporary sense of relief. Every time she goes to the doctor for a follow up, she has a knot in her stomach because she's afraid of the results. And she will probably carry that fear with her for the rest of her life. It will never be some health issue she had in the past. So who am I to question her desire to make everything pink and attend related events? If that's how she deals with what she's been dealt, then good for her.
Good post.
Survivors deserve a badge of honor for going through a devastating diagnosis, treatment and coming out on the other side.
I know someone who had a lumpectomy for breast cancer 5 years ago. She frequently posts on social media about being a "cancer survivor," got a tattoo about it, attends "pink tie" events (breast cancer events), wears her 5-year Survivor hat in Race for the Cure, etc.
The other day it was just too much for me. I told her I had just visited my friend who was dying of pancreatic cancer, that there is no surviving for her. I also said that for people like me (and her, though I didn't say that), whose cancer treatment was a surgical, "once and done," as my melanoma was, calling myself a "cancer survivor" seems to be a slap to those who really had to FIGHT. Like my other friend, with a 5% chance of surviving, who suffered through horrendous treatments and clinical trials for a YEAR---yeah, SHE is a cancer survivor.
But to have a surgery and then be fine....why do some people think that's any bigger deal than surviving any other surgery, or infection, or illness? Why would people want to "define" themselves by some health issue they had in the past??
I think that people have "pets" they like to keep around to stroke, hold up, fling in your face and use to gain attention and give themselves some percieved relevance. It can be many things. A coworkers wife has ADD and has to take medication, she won't let go and the fact that she can beat it is not something she's willing to listen to. So she gets her special "pet" and they continue to spend money on her medication. Or else.
It still doesn't make a lot of sense to me though. None of us gets out of this life alive. Sure, some people may be scared that their cancer will come back. But focusing so much on it makes no more sense *to me* than someone getting a "car wreck survivor" tattoo, because they are worried about getting in another car wreck.
And probably this week's incident was just bad timing. Having just seen my dying friend, having suffered a personal family loss last week (she offered no condolences nor even mentioned it), never asking about my or my husband's cancer status (which would be fine because we don't dwell on it), it was just all about her, and it rubbed me the wrong way more than usual. It made me quite sad actually.
I'm sure there are things you do focus on that other people don't "get" ... everyone is different, and everyone deals with their life's twists and turns differently. What she's doing isn't hurting anyone, and probably helping her. So why dwell on her choices that really don't affect you? It doesn't need to make sense to you. It only needs to make sense to her and her family.
It was a bad week. That wasn't her fault. And perhaps she should have mentioned your family's loss, but some people just don't know how, and tend to avoid awkward conversations like that.
Why is it necessary to compare people's health scares? I guarantee you that someone has it worse than your friend with pancreatic cancer. But that doesn't give me license to dimish what she's going through.
And let me reassure you that breast cancer isn't necessarily "once and done." Recurrence is definitely a possibility. I know someone who has been declared cancer free twice. And when she's been declared cancer free, it only brings a temporary sense of relief. Every time she goes to the doctor for a follow up, she has a knot in her stomach because she's afraid of the results. And she will probably carry that fear with her for the rest of her life. It will never be some health issue she had in the past. So who am I to question her desire to make everything pink and attend related events? If that's how she deals with what she's been dealt, then good for her.
Good points. A family friend had a "very curable" type of breast cancer. The doctors said that they "caught it very early" and she had a 99% survival rate at five years. Well, she was part of the 1% that did not make it, as the cancer came back with a vengeance at three years and killed her, very painfully, and very quickly within a few weeks.
I certainly do not begrudge anyone saying that they are a cancer survivor and wearing pink, teal (ovarian), peach (uterine), dark blue (colon), or other colors. To me it does not matter if it was a "one and done" (which sometimes isn't the case) or multiple surgeries and months of chemotherapy and radiation treatments they are a cancer survivor (until they aren't). (Disclaimer, they do not make multi-colored teal & peach & dark blue ribbons for me to wear).
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