Questioning Friendship with Helicopter Mom

[lkmax]

Originally Posted by NDak15

Independent in this sense means living on your own. Which is something few people under the age of about 45 do. First setback, divorce, or dissatisfaction with their job and they're back with mommy and daddy.

Few people under the age of about 45 live on their own? Are you kidding me?

Originally Posted by KaraG

As for being on hold, when she says she has to answer the other call, just say, "Okay, I have to go too, talk to you on Tuesday." There is NO reason to sit and hold the phone and wait, that's just silly.

Yeah...I don't sit and wait around on hold for anyone. When someone tells me, "Hold on a sec, so-and-so is beeping in..." I always just say, "Oh, that's okay, just call me back later" or "That's okay, I have to go, too. Text me about what time you want to meet for lunch next week!"

Most personal phone calls end naturally like this anyway...one or the other person has something that they have (or want) to do, so the call ends. It doesn't really matter whether the person is taking a personal call from a family member or if they have to go because it's almost time for their yoga class...

OP, I would start doing that when you get put on hold.

Also, I would try to avoid passing too much judgment about her relationship with her family. I know you say she complains about them to you, but I almost wonder if you egg that on because of your feelings on this subject.

I wouldn't do that, but I wouldn't sit and listen to the complaints about her family members, either. If you've told her in the past you think she should do less for her kids, you can always say, "Hey, you already know what I would do, but you're a great mom/grandma, so I think you'll figure out what's right." or "I'm sorry your feelings got hurt like that, but I know you're close to your kids/grandkids." And then change the subject...

[Threestep2]

Originally Posted by NDak15

This is the reality of the world we live in today. People's lives revolved 100% around their kids and grandchildren. And seeing as how most people under the age of about 45 can't stand on their own to feet these days, this is not surprising.

Maybe in your world.

[NY Annie]

I would not stay on hold for more than a minute. If she gives you an opportunity to reply when saying she is putting you on hold, just say "call me when you're not busy" and hang up. As for the reason for her needing to not continue your conversation, frankly it's not your business. I'm not the kind of person who wants to be tethered by landline or cellphone so 3 conversations in a week on the phone would make me crazy. Schedule a girls lunch, no interruptions or other get-together where she promises to put the cell on silent. I have one friend who loves being needed and we did arrange lunches where she agreed to let her co-workers/underlings know not to bother her for trivial stuff. After one lunch where we didn't have one single continuous sentence, I told her to work it out because I would leave next time. I really wasn't interested in her drama. She turned it off from that time on.


She does sound like someone for whom retirement means finding something else to fill her need to be needed. That it is her family - children and grandchildren - is her choice.

[NDak15]

Originally Posted by Threestep

Maybe in your world.

Which part of it is in "my world?"

[thinkalot]

I have no problem with what she does with her family.

I do have a problem with people taking calls when having dinner with friends. There are times that a person will say they have to keep the phone on because they are expecting an important call but those are rare.


I turned off call waiting. I don't hang up on people to speak to a different person.

[Spuggy]

Originally Posted by thinkalot

I have no problem with what she does with her family.

I do have a problem with people taking calls when having dinner with friends. There are times that a person will say they have to keep the phone on because they are expecting an important call but those are rare.


I turned off call waiting. I don't hang up on people to speak to a different person.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by purehuman

Yes...but the OP KNOWS this about her friend....so it's either you tolerate it, and remain friends (as usual)...or you drop the friendship, leave a wonderful women in tears...and move on.
That's not I would do...but like you said..."so be it".
I have many friends who have certain "quirks" or things they do I don't agree with...but yes, as you said...I'm "OK with being treated that way"...it doesn't hurt me, and I care for my friends enough to remain their friends despite their peculiarities, or rudeness, whatever you want to call it.....doesn't bother me in the least..

That seems overly dramatic. All the friend needs to do, is tell her adult children (one is now officially middle-aged), that she's on the phone, and will return their call when she's free. Making that reasonable suggestion should not cause tears. If it does, the friend needs to "own" her tears; she needs to take responsibility fo the over-reaction. It's not possible to pursue a close friendship with someone who chronically cuts you off. Plus, it's undeniably thoughtless and rude.

Apparently, the OP's friend has decided to have her retirement revolve around her adult kids and grandkids to an extreme degree. They are her "hobby". That still doesn't make it ok, or even remotely within the realm of normal behavior, to cut a close friend off in the middle of conversation. There is no urgency to these requests of her (adult) kids, so no need to abandon a phone call in progress.

You wouldn't be unreasonable to ask her to either let the incoming phone calls go to voice mail while you're on the phone, or to ask her to tell the callers that she's occupied, and will return their call when she's free. Voice mail is the best option, IMO. If she doesn't comply, or gets dramatic, cut back on the frequency of calls to a couple fo times/month.