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Old 09-18-2018, 11:20 PM
 
Location: Queens, NY
4,525 posts, read 3,382,695 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mash123 View Post
1. If their parents were conservatives - yes.

2. It's a liberal movie with agenda.

3. The difference is simple: Her parents hate him. She has no other parents. She is their only child and she caused them enormous suffering. Those are facts. I would not even blink if her parents were liberals who may accept any person.
So what you're saying is that you should just let your parents control your dating life.

Sorry, it doesn't work that way.

Parents are going to be the only losers here if they continue on this path.
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Old 09-18-2018, 11:42 PM
 
4,096 posts, read 6,174,145 times
Reputation: 7406
I don know if this was addressed but the man who helped your fiancé was a Christian missionary, I think you said? He didn’t give up on your fiancé and continued to forgive him. Why? Because he loved him. I think forgiving your parents would please him. We forgive even when they don’t deserve it, as Jesus did on the cross when he said, Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” Your parents are in the wrong. Forgive them. You don’t have leave your kid with them as proof. Baby steps. I wish you well as you go through this adventure.
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Old 09-19-2018, 05:04 AM
 
Location: Where the sun always shines
2,170 posts, read 3,288,947 times
Reputation: 4501
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayekaye View Post
I don know if this was addressed but the man who helped your fiancé was a Christian missionary, I think you said? He didn’t give up on your fiancé and continued to forgive him. Why? Because he loved him. I think forgiving your parents would please him. We forgive even when they don’t deserve it, as Jesus did on the cross when he said, Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”.
How do you know for a fact this was said ?

OP, time to move on from the parents. Just b/c you share DNA doesn't mean you have to know someone the rest of your life. I would move on from mom just for being a sucker.
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Old 09-19-2018, 05:29 AM
 
4,983 posts, read 3,271,467 times
Reputation: 2739
Quote:
Originally Posted by nuala View Post
1. Does the selfishness of Barack Obama's parents amaze you, as well?

You mean the dad that skipped out to his native country and the mom who handed him off to be raised by his grandparents?

Nothing amazing about expectations.
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Old 09-19-2018, 05:47 AM
 
42 posts, read 39,099 times
Reputation: 185
Quote:
Originally Posted by mash123 View Post
I just cannot imagine the suffering your parents went trough. How a person can be so selfish? Was this African person the only decent guy around? Are you living on a tiny island? Why did you do this to your parents who fed and sheltered and were awake at night when you were a screaming baby?
The selfishness of millennials is just amazing me every day.
It's selfish to fall in love with a great man and to want to spend the rest of my life with him? I'm selfish for not letting my parent's racism get in the way of the way I want to live my life? Frankly, I don't see how my actions as an individual woman has anything to do with millennials, but do carry on reaching.
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Old 09-19-2018, 05:49 AM
 
42 posts, read 39,099 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tigermomma View Post
OP, I am so sorry you are dealing with this from your parents. I have a mixed race child, my mom died a year before I
got pregnant. I met my child's father when he arrived brand new from a southeast Asian country to get his MBA. We were platonic friends before we ever dated. He was a good person, but I am a free spirit and my pregnancy was never welcomed.

My horrible, alcoholic, absent and most un involved dad was livid. How dare I consider becoming a single mother? I was 31 yrs. old and all I wanted was to be a mom. Both my dad and my child's father constantly interrupted my pregnancy by insisting that a mixed race child raised by a single mother without much going for her would be doomed. Nobody wanted me to have a baby and raise it but me. So I did. But I kept the door open to my son's father to hopefully have something to do with us.

Long story short, my son's father came to visit when our son was 11 mos. old and then every several months or so for short visits. My dad visited once in a great while. My son thrived, despite the incredible difficulty for me to provide a life for us based on my limited income. I received a miracle, my son is now 23 and he is a college graduate with a great life.

Being pregnant with all you have going on is incredibly difficult on your emotions and your well being. I would if I were you ask your parents to please not interfere or contact you all of the time as you are trying to process so much. People freak out about pregnancies and start making all sorts of plans and assumptions, they don't realize that motherhood is a very natural process and occurs whether they approve or not. Just bide your time and try to ENJOY your pregnancy to the best of your ability. Limit contact with stress inducing people as much as possible. Once the baby arrives, everyone will see it and suddenly decide that they are now going to tell you how to take care of it and raise it. You will be learning how to go into mother bear mode being a mom anyway. You may as well learn now that mother bear mode applies to obnoxious relatives who are not pregnant and are not in the physical/emotionally sensitive state that you are in for the long haul.

If I would have it to do all over again, I would not have answered the phone calls and allowed the naysayers to pound my heart and soul into the ground because they could not handle the idea of me being a parent. No matter what the relation, if someone does not treat you with all the care and consideration that you plan on raising your own child with then they need to stay away for the time being. Just my two cents. Best wishes for you and your child and your partner.
Thank you for this great and insightful post. It's always good to have insight from someone who has dealt with a similar situation. Congrats on raising your son. He must be so proud of you! I am!
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Old 09-19-2018, 05:52 AM
 
42 posts, read 39,099 times
Reputation: 185
Quote:
Originally Posted by mash123 View Post
1. If their parents were conservatives - yes.

2. It's a liberal movie with agenda.

3. The difference is simple: Her parents hate him. She has no other parents. She is their only child and she caused them enormous suffering. Those are facts. I would not even blink if her parents were liberals who may accept any person.
This isn't about politics. This is about human decency. When I was doing my undergraduate degree, I befriended twin girls who were half black/half white. The mom was white, her family was conservative and not once had they disagreed with the mother marrying a black man, or having mixed kids. The twins had a great relationship with their white grandparents. Human decency is not exclusive to a certain political ideology.

Last edited by autumnhaze; 09-19-2018 at 06:31 AM..
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Old 09-19-2018, 05:57 AM
 
42 posts, read 39,099 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
A leopard doesn't change its spots. Your mother made a choice every. single. day. to reject you because she is racist. SHE made that choice along with your father. She may be truly remorseful about something - but is she remorseful that she was a horrible person who made bad choices or remorseful that her choice may mean she does not get to enjoy grandchildren? My money is on the latter.

I had grandparents on both sides who were unhappy that my parents married because my mom is Jewish and my dad is not, and also because my dad came from a working class background. There was estrangement that stopped when grandchildren were born. I wish that estrangement had continued - that family connection brought a lot of pain to the children because as much as my grandparents and uncles loved my brother and I, there was always a tinge of disappointment, inappropriate comments about our parents or faith, and resentment.

Children don't solve racism. Full stop. My brother's in-laws are racist and anti-semitic. Having a Jewish son-in-law and a mixed race grandchild haven't helped matters, only made *them* feel like they have moved past their implicit biases. Spoiler alert: they haven't.

Similarly, I have had to cut my own parents out of my life for reasons relating to their choices. I tried to reconcile recently and immediately regretted it. A big reason for my decision to cut them out of my lives is that I do not want their toxicity to spread through the generations to impact my children. In fact, seeing how they interacted with my niece and my brother and SIL as new parents was the tipping point for ending our relationship. My brother allows ZERO unsupervised time with my niece and only one or two visits a year.

So, given my baggage, you may want to take what I say with a grain of salt. On the other hand, I am someone who makes that choice every day to remain no-contact with my parents because they are abusive and it is emotionally healthy for me. It is difficult every day, though I am a happier person for it. Your mother made the decision every day to not speak to you not because you did anything wrong or because it was emotionally necessary for your parents to cut you out, but because it was more important for her to live her racism. Think about that.

So if you choose to reconcile, you need to watch her like a hawk. I would also recommend that she go to diversity, equity, and inclusion training so she understands that moving from a racist who is willing to cut her own daughter out of her life to not a racist isn't just a flip of a switch. It is WORK. She needs to be willing to do the work to have any access, supervised or not, to your child.
This is an absolutely brilliant post. Yes, I agree about the need to be vigilant if my mom comes back into the picture. The good thing here is that the baby is yet to be born so there is some advantages regarding "testing the waters." I'm curious as to how she will be around my husband. And your recommendation about diversity and equity training is something I am enthusiastic about. Like I wrote, subconscious racism is something that I fear the most from my mother. I think she is capable of saying something racist, while on the surface absolutely believing it isn't.
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Old 09-19-2018, 05:59 AM
 
42 posts, read 39,099 times
Reputation: 185
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ultrarunner View Post
I might have missed it...

How does his family feel about you?
My husband has a fractured family. His mother didn't really take care of him growing up, and she died when he was 25. Dad left him when he was a baby. The only person he keeps in close contact with is his half sister who is a few years younger. She lives in the UK, and we have met before. I love her. We get along.
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Old 09-19-2018, 06:10 AM
 
42 posts, read 39,099 times
Reputation: 185
Quote:
Originally Posted by Torontobase View Post
Hello Autumnhaze,

I haven't read past your first post.

This is how I see it from emotional and legal point of view. If you reconnect with your mother, you could be hurting your new love/your new husband to be and he is your top priority. Really, you are top priority to take care of yourself and live your life to feel happy, not by obligation.

Giving love is very important in life, not receiving. With that being said, you are not obligated to reconnect with your mother. The hurt happened and it is not something any child can brush off (even an adult child). Accept the apology and move on with your life, your new life, and your love for your husband.

If, and if, you do reconnect with your mother, you must have very, very strong boundries and she must respect it. Do not allow her to see pictures of your baby, don't talk about the baby and how it is growing up in life, see pictures of your husband and wedding pictures; also letting her know where you live. Just meet up with her at a restaurant, talk and then leave and do not do it frequently (once a year the most). Save your husband the emotional abuse from your mother.
I suggest this because your mother could hire a lawyer to fight for her rights as a grandmother to see the child and she could lie and call children aid so that your baby/child could be apprehended and you have to fight in court, get mental assessment done to prove you are a good mother and your baby is safe. There is a lot of invasion of privacy and children's aid in the USA and Canada is corrupt.
In fact, I would deny your pregnant because she could try apprehension at birth....you don't want that.

Your parents broke the parent child relationship and now, you are an adult and you have to think about your family and your baby. How in the world could any parent threaten their child deny of inheritance and control who you can date and be friends with? Then, later on, you bump into them, you were the adult and said "hello" and they ignored you. Think girl!!!!
You are the adult and saying your parents is old fashion is a lame excuse from them. We had Sept. 11th, do they deny that event? Common on girl!!! Think with your head otherwise maybe you are not fit to be a mother and your mother will contact children's aid. Do you really want to risk that?!

Don't risk your happiness and the healthy lifestyle of your child. The same for your new husband. Don't risk hurting him, even though he said second chance is good, you must think about the legality of it and I've seen plenty where the grandparents destroyed the next generation family by going through the legal system that support other family members having their rights and visitation.

Please be a strong woman. You are smart, I'm sure I would love to be your friend if I've met you and through your life journey, you may find another "mother" in your new life...you never know....just be smart and tactful, and think every single angle...and if you do reconnect, I expect later on, you will regret reconnecting with her.
In fact, you many have a new family. Your new husband found a "father" and maybe you will remain in contact with the "father's" family and who knows? Maybe your baby will learn the German language and know two languages. What a rich life for your baby!
Thank you for this insightful post.
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