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My husband and I are dealing with this now. I think it depends on the circumstances of the person needing the $$.
Recently both of my husband's sisters have reached out to us for $. We are an average middle-class couple, not rich by any stretch, but b/c we have more $ than they do & b/c own a house and travel, his family often comes to us for money (we do better financially separate than his sisters do with their spouses and theirs combined!).
That said, I don't want to lend them $$ anymore. They are adults and they should figure it out on their own. His sister will go get $80 mani/pedis but then come to us to help them pay their bills.
I don't think that is right but my husband says "well they are my sisters" and b/c they know he will just keep giving, they keep asking.
The person who said it is ENABLING, is right. I bet you if my husband cut them off they would miraculously find a way to pay the bills.
Not going to jump to making assumptions, but this selectively generous person could be "qualifying" people in his or her own mind before making the decision to give.
If the prospective recipient of this family member's benevolence is likened to a black hole which will consume all that is thrown into it, and still demand more, then this person is not likely to receive help. They're written off as a lost cause.
Someone who simply seems to have, say, $1000 standing between them and being able to have a car for transportation to a job, and they're otherwise a non-addict, non-self-sabotaging individual, then this would be an example of a person who would be higher on the priority list to help out.
Donating to charities by name can be done out of true goodness of the heart, but also to name drop among peers. Giving has deep biblical interpretations linking the act to having abundance, solidifying someone's feeling of a patriarch/matriarch taking care of the needy, albeit without any real obligations of parenthood.
The psychology behind it is difficult to crack if you aren't the family member in question or don't live with them to more fully assess their actions and intentions. If you don't feel like you're going to get help - you're probably not going to get help from this particular person.
That said, I don't want to lend them $$ anymore. They are adults and they should figure it out on their own. His sister will go get $80 mani/pedis but then come to us to help them pay their bills.
I don't think that is right but my husband says "well they are my sisters" and b/c they know he will just keep giving, they keep asking.
The person who said it is ENABLING, is right. I bet you if my husband cut them off they would miraculously find a way to pay the bills.
Why won't he listen to you? It's your money, too.
At one point my mother was asking me for money for various non-essential things. I was about to give it to her, then DH said, "So how much is your sister kicking in?" Well, nothing. "Then why should we?"
I realized that he is my first priority, just as you should be your husband's.
At one point my mother was asking me for money for various non-essential things. I was about to give it to her, then DH said, "So how much is your sister kicking in?" Well, nothing. "Then why should we?"
I realized that he is my first priority, just as you should be your husband's.
You are totally right but how do I come off as not being completely insensitive?
Truthfully with his sister's lifestyles, he should honestly just go tell them to f' themselves. They are not starving, they just have horrible priorities and spend their money on nails, wine, dinners out instead of their bills ... but as an adult, how do you tell them they shouldn't do that with their $$? How do you tell an adult how to spend their $$? You can't.
A person can 'tell' an adult. The donator can also chose different.
I do guide my aunt and uncle in their financial giving. Sometimes they call and inquire of xyz is a scam . More often then not it is a scam. So together we guide ..or gather information to aide the process.
I'm blessed by having them...they were there when I was at my last penny. There was daily interviews to get a job...it just wasn't happening. If my efforts could have been the end game with a job in hand...I would have had them ! I am now employed but gosh how it ires me when folks assume quite wrongly that getting a job is soooo readily available. It's not!
You are totally right but how do I come off as not being completely insensitive?
Truthfully with his sister's lifestyles, he should honestly just go tell them to f' themselves. They are not starving, they just have horrible priorities and spend their money on nails, wine, dinners out instead of their bills ... but as an adult, how do you tell them they shouldn't do that with their $$? How do you tell an adult how to spend their $$? You can't.
Of course you can. Or you can just say, “NO.” You don’t even have to provide a reason. Several family members have “borrowed” money from me in the past. When they didn’t repay it, I never leant them money again. You aren’t truly helping them. They obviously don’t respect you or your husband. Sorry.
Of course you can. Or you can just say, “NO.” You don’t even have to provide a reason. Several family members have “borrowed” money from me in the past. When they didn’t repay it, I never leant them money again. You aren’t truly helping them. They obviously don’t respect you or your husband. Sorry.
If I were kid Gates or kid Buffett....I'd be hurt. Now, I wouldn't be pissed if they gave it away to do X and it was noble, but to simply say none for you and I'm going to figure out who to give it to....not so much.
I guess I'd put it like this. Parent worth $5B
Parent thinks they have a way to cure x cancer, and for the rest of their life supplies funding....and said cure ended up consuming $4.99B of the fortune. Here I'm perfectly fine. Parent spent their money they earned in the way they thought they could do the most good. In the end I get normal inheritance of a much smaller estate....totally cool.
Yet if the ending estate is worth $5B and I'm told there is no way I will get any more than $5M and the remainder is going to strangers at NFP groups....I'd be disappointed.
Don't get me wrong, not my money, not my choice, I can make my own but....to trust a stranger for goodwill over me....that would hurt a bit.
As for smaller cases, there's a million reason to give/not give money to family members. Some people you just can't give money to or they'll kill themselves. They just make bad choices. For me I'd associate the above with being told I fit in the latter group. My parent's final thoughts was....this kid can't handle it.
As for NFPs....I'll stay silent here.
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