People who donate a lot to charity but won't help family members...

[miu]

Originally Posted by lkmax

People who donate a lot to charity but won't help family members...

How do you feel about this?

So what? It's their money to do with as they please. So what if they don't think that their own family members are deserving of monetary help. Maybe they help in other ways or maybe they helped in the past but it didn't do any good.

Did this happen to you?

If I became rich due to my hard work, I wouldn't go out buying houses for family members or putting them on an allowance. They need to succeed on their own.

If I won Powerball, I probably would keep it a secret from my family. I wouldn't want them to stop working and expect me to give them a free ride in life.

I also don't believe in the welfare system.

[ddm2k]

Originally Posted by miu

So what? It's their money to do with as they please. So what if they don't think that their own family members are deserving of monetary help. Maybe they help in other ways or maybe they helped in the past but it didn't do any good.

Did this happen to you?

If I became rich due to my hard work, I wouldn't go out buying houses for family members or putting them on an allowance. They need to succeed on their own.

If I won Powerball, I probably would keep it a secret from my family. I wouldn't want them to stop working and expect me to give them a free ride in life.

I also don't believe in the welfare system.

Agree somewhat. Beyond basic support of your own children (if any), and those living in states with filial responsibility laws, you should not feel obligated to "spread the wealth" like you're some elementary school kid with a bag of candy in class, getting called out by the teacher.

[miu]

Originally Posted by ddm2k

Agree somewhat. Beyond basic support of your own children (if any), and those living in states with filial responsibility laws, you should not feel obligated to "spread the wealth" like you're some elementary school kid with a bag of candy in class, getting called out by the teacher.

I wouldn't want my "wealth" to cripple the potential of my family members. Which is what welfare does to poor people. I would want them to work hard to succeed at a career, rather than loaf around in a minimal job while waiting for an allowance check or me to die and leave them money.

[ddm2k]

Originally Posted by miu

I wouldn't want my "wealth" to cripple the potential of my family members. Which is what welfare does to poor people. I would want them to work hard to succeed at a career, rather than loaf around in a minimal job while waiting for an allowance check or me to die and leave them money.

Yep especially if they're expecting an inheritance. It can cause people to behave unexpectedly.

But after the fact, was it really all that unexpected, lol. Keep it to yourself!

[chicagoliz]

Originally Posted by lkmax

No. I'm thankfully in a position where I don't need help from anyone. I don't mean that in a bragging way...things can and do change for people, no matter how well they plan or try. But no.

I asked the question because I have some fairly well-to-do family members who make a big production of donating large amounts of money to various different charities, but there are other members of the family who are really struggling. In particular, they have grandchildren who are doing without some necessities.

When they've been approached for help in the past, they not only say "no" but have been quite nasty about it.

My thing is this...let's say your grandchildren are doing without food. Their electricity was even shut off for a few days until other family members helped. The grandparents are approached and asked for help. They say no, that the mother needs to get a second job, but she does work a full-time job and doesn't have any drug problems or anything that I know of.

That's fine. Of course, it's not their responsibility to help anyone, and there are other family members who step in and help (and the help has been much-appreciated).

But would it leave a bad taste in your mouth that the same well-to-do family members regularly brag about donating to charities for food, holiday gifts and clothes, etc. for needy families?

This is just one example.

My thing is...how can you be so giving to other needy families but so hateful toward your own needy family members? And why is it assumed that the recipients from those charities "need" it more than the family members that you know and are otherwise close to, who you know work hard and try? How do we not know that many of these needy families that are being donated to don't have people who might not be working at all (even though they could), or who have drug problems, etc?

It's not the hill I'm going to die on, but it's left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, and I just wanted to see what others' thoughts were.

This is the question the original post should have posed. Just asking generally what you think about not helping family members isn't meaningful.

Without knowing more, the key point here is that there are children involved -- and not just children but the people in question's grandchildren. Again, without knowing the specific history of what has gone on, if it were me, I would want to try to save the grandchildren. I would probably want the daughter and grandchildren to move into my house, have daughter work to save up money to repay whatever debts she owes and save up to get into a home of her own. In the meantime, the grandchildren can go to a high quality school, in a safe neighborhood, and have a warm bed to sleep in and enough food to eat. Childcare would be less of an issue, as well, so daughter can work more/doesn't have to spend money on childcare all the time, etc. Perhaps if there are larger issues, daughter gives me temporary custody of the children.

Originally Posted by lkmax

"Close" might be the wrong word, but they do see and talk to one another fairly regularly and seem to get along well. She doesn't seem to be offended or upset that they don't help...just not surprised. In fact, other family members encouraged her to ask for help from them because she was the one who said, "I'm not going to ask them, they're not going to help, and I'm only going to have to hear their mouth." (she was right)

They were disappointed that she married shortly after high school and had kids fairly young, but they didn't believe in helping their kids pay for their college educations, either, so it wasn't a situation where she passed up some big opportunity or anything...

She ended up going back to school for phlebotomy while she was married, but she only worked part-time at the time. Her and her husband recently got a divorce, and she's struggled since then. From what I can gather, he left her with a lot of past-due bills, like rent. Her landlord is working with her on the rent, but it's taking most of her paychecks to try to get that money caught up.

Her parents think she has made a lot of bad decisions along the way (not going to college, marrying too young, marrying the wrong person, having kids too young), and they aren't wrong. BUT, she's trying so hard. Again, I don't think she has any drug problems or anything like that. She also doesn't seem to live a very extravagant lifestyle...she does have an SUV, but it's probably 10-15 years old? She works full-time but doesn't make very much.

Their electricity got turned off...and a few of us family members pooled the money to help her get it turned back on. She's been struggling a bit with food, clothes and school supplies for the kids, etc., because she's been trying to get caught up on the past due rent...a few of us helped, and she seemed so appreciative, and I even helped her go over her expenses/bills/pay to help her get back on track...and I think she will...

But my main thing is this...What type of people do my more well-to-do family members think these charities that they donate to are helping?

They're helping people like the family member that I described...but also drug addicts, people who don't work, etc.

This woman is trying so hard...she hit a rough patch, which happens. Again, it's not their responsibility to help her. But I can't imagine bragging about donating to all of these organizations while my own family members were doing without basic necessities like power and food.

I'm having a hard time understanding the mentality. I really am.

Again, I'd do what I could to help the grandchildren. It is still hard to tell what, exactly, has gone on between the parents and the daughter here. Maybe the parents are narcissistic jerks.

Originally Posted by redplum33

I really didn't think I needed to explain this...

I'll just quote Hertfordshire: "Some money is better than no money"

And so what if they're working hard and still need help. They will need less help than if they were unemployed.

Not necessarily. If the rent is $2000, you have $1000, and you have the opportunity to get $300, you still don't make the rent.

Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat

So, the way it played out in my brain was something like this:

She goes to her parents at some point after graduation and says, "Ricky proposed and we're going to get married."

Her parents point out that neither of them have jobs or anything beyond a high school education. And that without skills, she's dooming herself to a lifetime of minimum wage work.

She says, "I love Ricky and I'm going to marry him. I'm an adult and you can't stop me."

Two years later she comes to them and says, "Guess what, Mom and Dad? I'm pregnant!"

Her parents exchange looks. "Honey, can you two support children? You're only working part-time now and he's not doing much better, is he? Wouldn't it be smarter to wait until you have some money saved up?"

She says, "Ricky and I are starting a family. We're both adults and you can't stop us."

A few years later she comes to them and says, "Mom and Dad, we're getting a divorce."

This time her parents don't even bother looking at each other. One of them says gently, "What about the kids? Have you tried marriage counseling?"

She says, "You're still treating me like a child, still trying to tell me what to do. You can't stop us from getting a divorce. Ricky's going to pay child support."

The parents sigh. Ricky's still working a minimum wage job. No way does he have any extra.


So help me out here. Maybe it didn't happen exactly that way, but if she's made a series of disastrous decisions in spite of counsel from her parents, don't you think it's unrealistic for them to enable their headstrong daughter?


When you assert your rights as an adult, that means you get the icky responsibilities too.

This could very well be the case. Although I would be worried about my grandchildren. Not sure they need to suffer for the mother's bad choices, and forcing them to suffer might cement their place in the lowest socioeconomic class. If I could help them, I would.