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Not good....it happens a lot...why I don't know..
I have a father who would rather give things to strangers (who're delighted to get them) than give them (or even sell them) to a family member.
Maybe it's because he expects the adoration of his family, (he's a tyrant), and when he doesn't get it he seeks it from strangers by giving them things (they're very appreciative ,as we would be) , even when he knows someone in the family could really use it/them.
Strangers...even some friends...believe him to be a wonderful and kind man.
We...the family, know different...we've lived behind those "closed doors" for a long time.
What the public believe and percieve are of utmost importance to him.....more so than anything to do with his family....it's sad, and even though he doesn't realize it, it's his BIG loss as well.
My parents have been very generous to their children. They don't do it on a regular basis, but when they give us monetary gifts it's a welcome surprise. If they had, instead, donated that money to charity to get a tax write-off or their name on a building, I would probably feel resentful.
Just because a family member has need, that doesn't mean that they are deserving.
Are we talking about the family member who's child has leukemia, insurance isn't covering everything, and they need to come up with money for a treatment with a high success rate?
Are we talking about a woman who packed up her kids in the middle of the night and left an abusive spouse and has to find a way to start a new life with nothing to her name?
Or are we talking about the family member who's broke because they can't manage to keep a job, can't be bothered to find a job, or their life is just a series of bad choices?
Just because a family member has need, that doesn't mean that they are deserving.
Are we talking about the family member who's child has leukemia, insurance isn't covering everything, and they need to come up with money for a treatment with a high success rate?
Are we talking about a woman who packed up her kids in the middle of the night and left an abusive spouse and has to find a way to start a new life with nothing to her name?
Or are we talking about the family member who's broke because they can't manage to keep a job, can't be bothered to find a job, or their life is just a series of bad choices?
This
My sister was always out of a job (getting fired due to her antagonist nature) and needing money and she epitomizes the label “welfare queenâ€. I have given her thousands of dollars in the past with no thanks but a lot of resentment. My kindness and desire to help earned contempt,resentment and jealousy.
If the family member always has a hand out, that is a problem.
However, I have a cousin who gives to charity but gave her 75 year old uncle an empty card for his bday. Like, even a $25 gift card to a restaurant would've been fine. And when I got badly cut on a cruise and needed something to stop the bleeding, she refused to give me her cruise ship towel because of the $25 non-return charge (even after I told her she could take mine which was further away). Then her mom offered me my cousins dirty sock (instead of a clean pair that she had) to put on my open wound. I guess the apple doesn't fall from the tree. I still love my cousin and aunt, but that was 8 years ago and I don't think i will ever forget how they treated me and how bad it made me feel.
I find they like helping others, not their own. It's more the showy part of giving rather than actually caring about those in need, or trying to help them out of the need.
It is not my responsibility/authority/ability/job to tell anyone how to spend their money. "Feeling" is very nebulous.
Perhaps the family member is a jerk? Or has burned all their bridges already? Or has already been told what is going to happen and just does not like it? Or is a distant family member with no relationship?
Need more info.
Yup. Have to agree.
Just because we are blood related does not mean I automatically like you, am friends with you, want to be around you, etc.
If we could pick our family members, I would have chosen a whole 'nother set!
Some people who do this probably do it because their family members don't appreciate them and by giving to charity,they feel that they would be helping people who really need it and appreciate it.
I've noticed, that there's a whole unspoken belief or "ethic" in the dominant culture in the US, about "pulling one's own weight". You're not supposed to need financial help; you're expected to live within your means, or if you can't afford basics (for example: a car is believed to be a basic necessity), you're expected to do something about it (get a 2nd job, get more education to increase your earning power, whatever). If you're not managing well for whatever reason, the chances are, that your kith and kin will label you a "mooch". Is that what you were asking about, OP?
I've also noticed, that in marginalized communities, people help their friends and relatives at the drop of a hat, to the extent possible, unless there's gross irresponsibility at the root of the issue (gambling habit, alcohol, chronic frivolous spending). What this disparity points to, is a difference in values between the "haves" and the "have nots"; the "haves" believe in every-man-for-himself, each individual is supposed to be an independent unit, while the "have nots" are an "everyone-pulls-together" society. Everyone helps each other out, as a survival tactic in what's perceived to be a system stacked against them.
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