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Some of you people really need to work on your social skills.
This person is the OP's friend. The hint the friend will get is that the OP doesn't want to talk to her.
The OP doesn't want to talk to anyone at that time, but the friend will take it personally if this isn't discussed.
It seems this is a new behavior from the OP's friend. Taking offense would be poor social skills. I believe the poor social skills began here when the OP assumed a good friend of 20 years is a "stalker." That is seeing the worst in a person you choose to be close to, which is why she came to ask for advice to begin with.
This. OP, unplug your phone after 10:00 p.m. That way, you won't even know she's called, until you pick up the phone the next day, and get the message signal.
I'd have a hard time deciding how to deal with a friend who makes some amazing gestures, like preparing you food after a hospitalization, and cleaning for you, but who has other annoying habits and boundary issues. I don't know what to tell you. Friends who care enough to help you out without being asked, when you really do need the help, seem rare.
This seems like the best solution but I can understand why people may still want to be available for emergencies.
For a friend like you described, I would have hard and fast rules, such as only emergency calls after 10 p.m. And if she does call, I answer in a dramatic way treating the call as an emergency.
Unfortunately, for the truly clueless, they take that kind of response as an assurance of a close bond. I had one lady tell me, "Aw, you really do care about me." My response was that I always answer my phone or respond to a text; it doesn't matter who it is. She of course, completely ignored the second part of my statement. 2 weeks later I had to ask this woman to stop contacting me privately.
An even simpler solution would be to not answer the phone.
Who cares when she calls? Yeah it might be inconvient times for the OP, but nobody is forced to answer the phone. By now it should be known that her late night calls (when she knows the OP is awake, so it's not like she's calling at 2-3am) are not an emergency, so why even give the call any attention?
Of course I don't answer them. But it is still irritating. I don't see why that's hard to understand.
Until day before yesterday, I didn't realize I could utilize Do Not Disturb but allow only calls from Favorites to come through, so my phone was ringing every time she did it and sorry but that irritates me. It irritates me that a person I consider a friend, who HAS been a good friend on many levels, still just blatantly ignores me when I say "I don't want calls after 8 pm." Among other things.
It's not the call itself - it's that she's insisting on doing it. I thought that was obvious but I guess I wasn't making myself clear.
Of course I don't answer them. But it is still irritating. I don't see why that's hard to understand.
Until day before yesterday, I didn't realize I could utilize Do Not Disturb but allow only calls from Favorites to come through, so my phone was ringing every time she did it and sorry but that irritates me. It irritates me that a person I consider a friend, who HAS been a good friend on many levels, still just blatantly ignores me when I say "I don't want calls after 8 pm." Among other things.
It's not the call itself - it's that she's insisting on doing it. I thought that was obvious but I guess I wasn't making myself clear.
So I am guessing your friend wont be on your favorites list? Only two friends are on mine and they would never call after 9 pm. My brother is also on that list and he calls when he likes and is not my favorite. But he is my brother.
This. OP, unplug your phone after 10:00 p.m. That way, you won't even know she's called, until you pick up the phone the next day, and get the message signal.
I'd have a hard time deciding how to deal with a friend who makes some amazing gestures, like preparing you food after a hospitalization, and cleaning for you, but who has other annoying habits and boundary issues. I don't know what to tell you. Friends who care enough to help you out without being asked, when you really do need the help, seem rare.
I know - she is a really good friend on so many levels. I mean, truly. NOT someone I want to hurt, or brush off, or even "be tough" with. Thank you for understanding.
I can't just unplug my phone - I have a terminally ill mother, and five adult kids and eight grandkids and a husband who works out of state a lot. I am trying the Do Not Disturb option though to see how that works.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 10-13-2018 at 07:25 AM..
OK, so you solved the problem? Are you satisfied with that solution? Looks like you didn't need us, or is there something else involved?
I'm curious what would happen if you starting making those FB posts after you get up in the morning. Would she call you at 7:30 a.m. to chat, if she saw you'd made a new FB post? Forcing you to say, "Sorry, Suzanne, but I haven't had breakfast yet. I need my coffee before I'm ready to start my day and talk to anyone"?
Does this woman work? Does she have a job, or is she at home all day, waiting for friends like you to entertain her? Just wondering.
I don't know if I'm satisfied or not with the solution since it's only been two days. My biggest concern is not my friend's calls, when it comes to Do Not Disturb. It's that someone from hospice will call from a different phone number and I won't get the call till in the morning. That WOULD be a tragedy of epic proportions and it's my biggest issue with my current "solution." So I do feel like this solution is just buying me a little time to sit down with her face to face and tell her DO NOT, DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT call me after 8 pm.
No, there's no real danger of her calling me at 7:30 in the morning, though I've already been up for at least an hour by then, because she sleeps till at least 9 and often later. I HAVE thought about returning her late night calls at about 6 am, when I get up and I know she's asleep, just to prove a point but while it sounds clever, I'm not really that catty.
She's 60 years old. She is retired. She has a busy life with a husband, stepkids, grandkids, etc. But she's a night owl so she's up till midnight or later, and her husband goes on to bed, and then I think she gets chatty. But she is just going to have to figure out how to entertain herself without me late in the evening.
I have probably been guilty of similar behavior, and I know that I have been the recipient of it. That may give me a bit of insight, so I'll share what I think may be at least one factor.
I get that you don't want to talk at 11 p.m. I wouldn't, either. The fact is, I almost never want to talk on the phone, and I'm not a big fan of internet chatting, either. Posting is different - it doesn't require any real emotional energy. However...not everyone understands that, and it may be that if your friend sees you posting, she assumes that you are open to more personal interaction. She may even be assuming that you are lonely, particularly if she is, herself.
I don't think I would call what she's doing stalking, exactly, but I can understand why it's annoying. I think you've been given some good advice about how to handle the phone calls. As far as what you can say to her, I am less certain. If she is as emotionally dependent on you as she sounds, almost anything you say is likely to hurt her feelings. Quiet time is a concept people either understand instinctively, or not at all.
Thank you for that insight. I really appreciate it!
I agree with everything you said and I feel much the same way, though I don't mind talking on the phone during "normal business hours" so to speak. I can see how it does bother some people though, so I only have a few "phone buddies" - luckily two of my four adult kids enjoy phone conversations, and then my husband and this particular friend, and my brothers don't mind chatting occasionally, so believe me, I get all the phone interaction I want and then some - LOL.
I totally agree about the "quiet time" too. I have always been a person who yearns for solitary time. I'm actually an extrovert when I'm around other people, but it's like I need solitary, quiet time to recharge. Thankfully my husband and I are both wired together very similarly in that regard - when he's home, though we're together in the evenings, we aren't chatty - we are nearly always watching a movie, or reading. He stays up later than me, often till about 1 or even 2 am while I go to bed around midnight (he goes to bed with me but if he doesn't fall straight asleep he gets back up and piddles around or reads till much later, which is more common than uncommon). Then I get up around 6 and he sleeps in till at least 8, so I get my solitary time every morning - and I need it.
He works out of town and often out of state for about half the time, so when he's home he sleeps late, which is a real luxury for him. So we both get our "me time" in. I need it.
I honestly don't think my friend needs or wants it. She freely admits that she's a bit too clingy - she really truly does have some separation anxiety, but she realizes it and tries to deal with it and usually does. We all have our faults. Anyway, that's another reason why I don't cater to these late night calls - I don't want to "feed that beast" so to speak. And I always call her back by noon the next day so she doesn't feel rejected. See, this is another reason why it's tricky "just to tell her." I said in the first post that she's a little neurotic and she really is - she really does struggle with a real fear of losing people and of being alone. I know this about her and that's one reason why I don't want to be hard line with her.
So I am guessing your friend wont be on your favorites list? Only two friends are on mine and they would never call after 9 pm. My brother is also on that list and he calls when he likes and is not my favorite. But he is my brother.
Right - she has been till now but I'm trying this "new system" out.
My biggest concern is that someone from hospice will call from a phone not on my Favorites list and I will miss the call.
Now that my mom's dementia has progressed, she's no longer calling me at 3 am, thank goodness. But I don't want to miss some call from hospice or the memory care center. I tried to put all the numbers I have from them on my Favorites list but of course they all use cell phones so I am sure I don't have all those numbers.
It's just a temporary fix though, so I am going to have to tell her - again, and more forcefully - NOT TO CALL ME AFTER 8 PM unless it's a massive emergency, and by "emergency" I do not mean some sort of emotional separation anxiety episode, which she does occasionally fall into.
I like the idea of answering the phone in a dramatic way the next time she calls after 8 pm. "Oh my gosh, are you alright? Are you or your husband in an ambulance? Can you stop the bleeding?!!!!!!! Which hospital do I need to meet you at?!!!!!!!!" I really do like that idea! That's one I could do pretty easily!
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