How to decline walking my mother down the aisle (member, wedding, adults)

[crone]

Originally Posted by hunterseat

OP, breathe man. It's hard to stop a snowballing bandwagon. I get it. My mom was pretty frickin evil. No need to go into details.
As Nancy Raegen used to say "just say no".

^^^^

Seeing a parent as an individual rather than a parent takes a lot of maturity. I couldn't do until I was in my 50's. Accepting her, warts and all , as a human being, limited by ability and her own circumstance was hard . When I was finally able to see her as a person outside of being my mom was freeing for all of us.

Do what ya need to do for your own sanity.

[ClaraC]

turntable, honestly, telling her you don't want to attend her wedding or have any relationship at all with anyone in the family because you really can't get past the abuse you endured at the hand of the church, and at her hand is MUCH MUCH better than saying I got no real complaints, just don't ever call me again and no, I'm not going to come to your wedding.

I don't know what happened in the church, but if it was that she made you attend Sunday School over your wishes to sleep in, that's one thing. If this was one of the weird fringe churches and you suffered abuse that is an actual crime, that is another.

You spent most of this very long thread saying nothing much really happened you just don't want to be a part of your family. If you have something to tell her, that you've been too hurt to continue having a relationship with the family at least she wouldn't just keep wondering why you've decided to cut ties.

[Harpaint]

Originally Posted by Harpaint

If you are truly sure that you do not want and do not intend EVER to have a relationship with your mother & family, then tell her you will not be attending the wedding. Your mother seems to want to reconnect. If you don't want this, then just tell her and don't make up phoney excuses like work schedules.

If you do not want a complete break, then you need to at least attend.

I still believe this. The problem with phoney excuses is that she will most likely keep trying and you'll be faced with the same dilemma. There is nothing wrong with permanently cutting ties with someone who harms you. I did it myself with a sibling, not in a rude way but by simply stating "You are no longer a part of my life."

[Zoisite]

Turntable, I hope you realize you are disowning yourself from your family. I don't really think there is any gracious way you can refuse to attend your mother's wedding and the honour she's offered you by requesting you to walk her down the aisle.

If you're determined not to go you can get out of it by being honest with yourself first that you are burning your bridges behind you and accept that you will be permanently disowning and cutting yourself off from your family. Just say "I don't want to come" and don't add insult to injury or rub salt in her wounds by making up lies or excuses (you don't have any good excuse anyway from what I can tell) or by telling her the reasons why you won't come. There is no need to selfishly spoil her big day any worse than you will already be doing by turning your back on her and disowning her and the family. And face it, the reasons you've given here so far are just lame excuses.

Or you can bravely man up or woman up (whatever you are), suck it up, stop being lame, stop focusing on yourself and how badly you think you've been so wronged that you want to get even for it by cutting off your own nose to spite your face, research the definition of family loyalty, mend rather than burn your family bridges, think about how much this may be really important to your mother, be gracious and approving and tell her you will gladly walk her down the aisle. And last but not least, be pleasant and grateful to your new step-father for relieving you of any of your future potential responsibilities on behalf of your mother.

Whatever you're going to do, just do it and get it over and done with, don't shilly shally around.

.

[Charlotteborn]

Originally Posted by Turntable

That's what I'm saying. I don't really have much of a grievance against my mother except maybe being overly religious when I was growing up and forcing that on me.

However I just kind of drifted away from them in life.

Wow. As a single mom myself this just breaks my heart. I am sure I did worse to my kids and I can't imagine not seeing them for a year much less four.

If you have made up your mind please just tell your mom the truth.

[Spuggy]

Originally Posted by Turntable

Yes going through something like that dampens one's emotions towards her but I was angry all the time about it. I hated her and my family even though to my knowledge it was no fault of their own.

Eventually I decided to let it go but at the same time I haven't been very close to her. It is what it is. I have never been dishonest. Just very private perhaps....

You were dishonest here by excluding relevant information. You recognize it wasn’t your families fault and I get why you aren’t close but you are not trying to nurture that. The first step would be to go to the wedding of the woman who raised you but If you don’t feel close to your mother don’t go and tell her why. Personally I don’t think it’s going to kill you to show a bit compassion and kindness and go.

[Joe the Photog]

OP,

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Your mother will eventually die and the rest of your family won't know who you are. Just keep on the way you're going and it will work itself out eventually.

/snarcasm

I was my father's best man when he remarried and even got a haircut for the event when we weren't really getting along at the time. I called it adulting.

[CMMom]

"Mom,

Thanks for the offer to walk you down the aisle, but I am going to decline. I feel that we are no longer close and I am not willing to put forth the time and expense for your special day. It's just not worth it to me. Ask your other son.

Regards,

(your name)"

I think she'll get the message.

[Delahanty]

Originally Posted by reds37win

Without more context, I have to tell ya, you don't come off looking so good here. If you are comfortable with that, you should be comfortable just saying no.

^^
This.

Chuck the suggestion to say, While I'm honored... (You're not honored), and I regretfully.... (You regret nothing).

Just say no.

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by Turntable

That's what I'm saying. I don't really have much of a grievance against my mother except maybe being overly religious when I was growing up and forcing that on me.

However I just kind of drifted away from them in life.

Originally Posted by Turntable

Right? I have nothing against her marriage. Her marriage is none of my business. It is odd to me. She will enjoy her wedding regardless of my presence. I hope the third time's a charm in the marriage department.

Originally Posted by Turntable

No I said I have to forgive for things that she did to me but how I don't hold any ill feelings because I forgave her. That doesn't mean that I need to be friends with her though.

Originally Posted by Turntable

I was abused through my mom and the church. I left that out because I wasn't trying to justify it my choice but rather politely express my choice but if you guys insist to keep prodding away.

I'm not really sure what to believe. I don't know what kind of abuse you suffered, if it was at her hand, or someone else's, or if she even knew about it, or if it happened at all.

If you severed ties with her because she abused you (forcing you to go to church doesn't count), then she shouldn't expect you to walk her down the aisle. Since she asked, I suspect there was no actual abuse caused by her. If that's the case, you sound like a selfish jerk, and there is no way to come out of this without your whole family thinking you are a selfish jerk. To have such indifference toward a parent who raised you is not normal. Not going to your own mother's wedding because you don't like weddings is just pure selfishness. Your career isn't going to suffer if you leave town for a weekend.