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I apologize for the length of this post but I need to give some background to fully explain my current situation. After spending the last 3+ years in Raleigh, NC, I decided that the time had come to try a different area as I was not having much luck finding a good paying job in Raleigh with my work experience and skills. An opportunity came up in Salt Lake City that was much better than anything I was able to get in Raleigh, so I took it and moved to SLC last month.
When I left Raleigh, I knew that one of the downsides to moving would be that I'd no longer be able to spend time with a close friend that I met while living there. As we are both single without kids and in our fifties, we have a lot in common. She was very helpful in getting settled in and adjusted to living in Raleigh, and also was there to listen and talk to during my extended job search. I am thankful for all of the time that we had together while I lived in Raleigh. She did treat me to coffee and the occasional meal (lunch or dinner) out too, because she knew that I was concerned about my finances since I wasn't working full time. In return, I tried to help her out by taking her to some medical appointments, doing the driving whenever we went somewhere together, and by helping her move from one apartment to another in her apartment complex.
Since I came to Salt Lake City, she told me that she'd like to make a visit out here next March to see me (as well as to see SLC since she's never been here). She has credit for unused travel on one of the airlines to cover the cost of her airfare, but still needs to pay for a hotel, meals, and for someone to take care of her two cats while she's away. She tells me that the trip will cost her around $1500 for the week, AND since she had done so much for me to make my life easier while I lived in Raleigh, she wants me to pay for a good portion of her trip.
My friend knows that I have lost a large sum of money while living in Raleigh due to not being able to find a good paying FT job there. I've also had the additional expenses of flying out to SLC in August to interview and test for the job, and then the expense of moving from Raleigh to SLC. I am trying to pay down credit card debt that I've accumulated over the past 3 years. I'm in a long training program in my new job that extends until mid-December, and there is no guarantee that I will pass the tests that need to be completed during the training, or still be in this job by next March if I do get through the training.
I have never had a friend throw in my face things that they have done for me as a friend and then expect some sort of financial reward for their gestures. I'm trying to get back on my feet financially, and am trying to watch what I spend so I can build up my savings again. My friend does not seem to understand why I would hesitate to want to contribute toward the cost of her trip (a trip she says she would not have had to make if I hadn't decided to leave Raleigh). What would you do if you were in my situation?
This is not a friend. She should wait to visit til she can afford to. If you still want her to. This would be friendship-ending for me. Friends don’t help with an account book open, tracking every favor done and meal paid for.
I agree about staying with you. And does she have to stay for a WEEK??
I would tread very carefully here. It sounds like you leaned on her quite heavily when you first moved to Raleigh, and then you tried to reciprocate non-financially however you could.
If you really are good friends, I would try to overlook the potential etiquette misstep and just try to find a way to make the trip happen. If that means considering ideas to make it less expensive, then do that.
If it just can't happen, then maybe you two will need to postpone it until she can afford it.
This is not a friend. She should wait to visit til she can afford to. If you still want her to. This would be friendship-ending for me. Friends don’t help with an account book open, tracking every favor done and meal paid for.
". She tells me that the trip will cost her around $1500 for the week, AND since she had done so much for me to make my life easier while I lived in Raleigh, she wants me to pay for a good portion of her trip. "
wow, that comes across as manipulative. Is she hinting for an invite?
I agree with the other posters advice, and state you are not in a position to help pay for a trip BUT you'd like her to visit and stay with you. If you are not wishing to have her stay with you, then just state that you currently can't accommodate visitors. let alone pay for people to visit you.
Your former acquaintance has shown you what she is. Why do you still want to maintain a relationship with her? She is greedy and self-absorbed. Possibly crazy. This is not the behavior of a normal person, let alone one who has been a friend. She is not looking forward to seeing you, she is looking forward to using you as a way to get a free vacation. It is possible that were you to agree to her terms and give her money, you would not actually see her if she did actually make the trip after receiving the money.
Your current financial circumstances alone are sufficient for you to decline to agree to give her any money, though they are actually irrelevant. She is completely out of line asking for money to visit you at all, regardless of what your financial circumstances might be. Tell her you will be unable to provide her with any financial assistance for her trip. Just tell her it would be impossible and offer no further explanation. Be as polite as you care to be, but do not offer her any reason or excuse. That will simply offer her an opportunity for rebuttal or further attempts at guilting you into agreeing.
Concentrate on completing your training program and passing the exams so you can begin your new job. Spend your free time making new friends in your new location. Your former acquaintance is not a relationship that appears to be worth cultivating. And offering to have her stay with you under the circumstances would likely be awkward at best, and possibly a really bad idea. Your "friend" seems very odd.
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