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Our daughter has been married for almost 15 yrs to guy we thought initially was a really nice guy--
Smart, had kind of sarcastic humor but so do I--he seems to be very capable--had a job as project manager with company that had him traveling most of the time....they probably got married because he did a long project in town close to our home and they could see each other much more frequently than otherwise.
He was born in N MS--rural area--only child--apple of his mother's and his grandparents'--was Mr. Everything in HS--went to college in Atlanta. Got business degree and excellent grades but Didn't get a great job out of college--worked some retail jobs and then got job working for consulting company doing lean 6 sigma/continuous improvement projects. He worked hard, was smart, got promoted to project manager over few years.
He moved to Sarasota area of FL because he met guy on job who lived in that area and because he just needed to be close to airport for travel needs...he likes the Gulf, salt water fishing, kayaking...and since he was home only on weekends he wanted to be in area with good weather--not Atlanta with bad traffic and cold winters.
So daughter moved to FL when they married. He had a small 1/1 condo across the street from the beach--
Was all he needed since he wasn't there 5 days a week...COA didn't allow pets but that was ok because he wasn't there to take care of one...
But it was hard on our daughter...she was basically stranded in area she had no knowledge about--no friends--her husband was gone 5/7 nights most of the time. She is elementary school teacher--got job locally at pretty respected public school...teachers there were older and pretty standoffish for most part--made one or two friends but she was lonely...couldn't even have a pet to keep her company...
but she loved him and she lived in that small condo for long time because he bought it right before the RE crash and was underwater on the mortgage--
Is STILL underwater on the mortgage if he tried to sell --right now they rent it seasonally but not full time to help offset the mortgage and COA costs...
But she wanted a child--so after about 6 yrs she told him he had to change--they had to move out
She bought a house she qualified for on her salary...
He quit his job w/o getting another one--because he had the "promise of one" with company he had done a continuous improvement project for...he was going to be allowed to work from home most of the time because the company's headquarters was outside Orlando---about a 2 hr drive from their town...
They had a baby--he is a great boy--6 now and in kindergarten
She has continued to teach at same school--got her master's before she had the baby--extra stress doing that with her work load at school...
Her husband got at odds with the guys running the trucking company he was working as director of continuous improvement because they didn't want to make improvements--
They had bad financials and wouldn't make changes to improve the bottom line--he didn't really know that when he went to work there but he found out as he worked there
And some of them resented him because he didn't have background in trucking--so how could he know how to improve their company...
So he quit that job when they said he had to move to home office full time--no more work from home--
They offered no relocation expenses--
It was the middle of the school year so his wife had no guarantee she could get another job in that area
And the company was in bad money situation--kept refinancing their debt all the time...
But he COULD have rented a room and worked there M-Th and gone home over weekend--cut back on their spending to pay for the room and he could have looked for job before he quit--but he didn't...
About 2 years later the bank finally said enough and called the loans and made trucking company go into bankruptcy--but didn't do anything except make SIL feel justified for leaving...
Since he left that job which paid low 6 figures--he has has two short time jobs
One working with a computer security firm as continuous improvement guy--helping streamline work flow, helping the computer techs be better at pricing the job that needs to be done and not doing work the company isn't being paid for by the client...he talked the guy who hired him into making it full time vs a 6 mo contract job
He thought--but they let him go after about 8 mo--he did too good a job
They streamlined their process and the techs had too much free time--
The guy who hired my SIL was supposed to be the one bringing in new jobs and he couldn't fill the empty time
So he fired my SIL because he said they didn't need him anymore
He went to school and certification for PMP to help with his job search
Took him about 8 mo to find another job
That was with an executive placement/headhunter company
A startup in their area
That job lasted about 6-7 months too--
Hard to remember---
But he was laid off along with some others because company was having hard time getting enough clients
Last in-first fired as they say
So he has been looking for work since Feb
He refuses to move to an area where he could get a job
Most of the jobs in his area in his field want someone with an engineering degree which he doesn't have
Or with experience in fields like health care/hospital systems or insurance or IT--
He is good with computers but he apparently doesn't have the tech level on the ads...
So he is at home---and our daughter is working
She is great teacher--she enjoys it but tonight she was on her way home from school and called my husband
She calls him more than me because she knows I think her husband should be willing to relocate for work
I think he is selfish
They don't even go to the frigging beach more than 3 times a year
Anyway
She called and told her dad she had been tutoring after school 4 days a week to make extra money and she had to stop because it was just too much work and she wasn't getting any time with their 6 yr old son...
I was livid and wanted to cry at the same time
I cannot understand a man who will not work to put money on the table
My husband and I have been married almost 50 yrs now and there were times when he was out of work.
I was lucky enough to be able to stay home with kids when they were small--I was a teacher initially--and we both throught it was important to have a mom at home...after our son had cancer in elementary school, insurance was hard to get to cover pre-existing conditions--even after he was in remission--so I took job with the State Dept of Health and Human Services to get group insurance...
My husband was working at small company but no insurance
I worked there for 5 yrs--
He got better job--
I was home for year and then went back to teaching
Taught for 7 yrs before retired early
Had a bad year--my dad had died and his wife was a real ***** who took almost everything he had for herself
Even refused to give us any of his personal belongings--they burned his clothes just to thwart us...
Anyway
This guy has a college education--no health issues--and he is not willing to look for any kind of work to help support his family
I don't know how I can look him in the face when we go to FL next week for our daughter's 40th birthday party.
She got money this year from a family LLC her dad created before he retired from job he had--
This LLC owned some assets he had right to buy from his employer--
Over time one of them was sold and brought in significant money--
Our son owns 40%, our daughter owns 40% and we have 20--but my husband is the head--
So that money when we hoped would be used to help her retirement/investment or for college for their son is not going to living expenses and likely helping pay the mortgage on the condo the SIL has refused to sell even when the market in their area got better...
I just want to know am I crazy to resent his attitude???
Should he be willing to move for a decent job?
Should he be willing to take a lesser job to bring in money?
I feel so sorry for my daughter and I think her friends who are also friends of our SIL likely are starting to wonder when he is going to get off his butt and do something...
He has lot of positive qualities--he is taking care of the house and he is good dad--
But I just feel that he is too proud to admit his idea of his own worth/hire ability aren't as good as he thinks
I wanted to point something out. You mentioned that you had a professional job (as a teacher) but gave it up to be a stay at home parent for a few years. Then worked at a non-professional job for five years to get insurance. Then took another year off. I am guessing that your spouse was working full time at those times. Were your parents upset that you were a stay at home parent during those years?
Have you considered that having a stay at home parent for your grandchild may be an advantage and not a disadvantage? If this was your son and his wife was a SAHM while he worked a full time job plus a small part time job would you be complaining about your DIL? Would you consider your DIL lazy and selfish? Would you be "going nuts " over the situation? Would you be worried about their finances during retirement?
I personally have known families where the mom worked full time and the dad was the stay at home parent, doing the child care, laundry, cleaning, and cooking. And, it worked out well for them.
My husband became disabled well before retirement age. Because he started doing all of the household tasks, I was able to get part time jobs in addition to my full time job. That worked for us. Just because he was the man it didn't mean that he couldn't do his fair share in the marriage to allow me to be the main breadwinner.
Of course, this is just my point of view. Others may disagree.
Last edited by germaine2626; 10-29-2018 at 08:51 PM..
I do agree with the value of a stay-at-home-parent. There's more at play here, namely more bills than a FL teacher can pay.
OP if you try to focus on being supportive and not critical, they really need to see their way clear of this mess. Sounds like they need some healthy family counseling including finance counseling. Just be there for them and don't be divisive.
I can understand your frustration. You are worried about your daughter, whether she'll have what she needs and whether she is stressed due to the financial crisis in their family. I can understand why you want your son-in-law to find employment and take care of his family.
But you cannot live their lives for them nor be so hard knows about the choices he makes. That's between your daughter and your son in law thoughts. You have to let go and let them make the decisions that they need to. You can listen to her if she wants to talk or allow her to talk to her father which is easier for both of you. Let her know that you love her and that you were there for her anytime she needs to talk.
There may be more to the story than you know. My husband had a horrible time finding a good job all last year. He finally did, in another state. So now we’re living apart in order to survive.
The economy is hard, employers are not loyal. Finding something is not as easy as it used to be.
Our daughter has been married for almost 15 yrs to guy we thought initially was a really nice guy--
Smart, had kind of sarcastic humor but so do I--he seems to be very capable--had a job as project manager with company that had him traveling most of the time....they probably got married because he did a long project in town close to our home and they could see each other much more frequently than otherwise.
He was born in N MS--rural area--only child--apple of his mother's and his grandparents'--was Mr. Everything in HS--went to college in Atlanta. Got business degree and excellent grades but Didn't get a great job out of college--worked some retail jobs and then got job working for consulting company doing lean 6 sigma/continuous improvement projects. He worked hard, was smart, got promoted to project manager over few years.
He moved to Sarasota area of FL because he met guy on job who lived in that area and because he just needed to be close to airport for travel needs...he likes the Gulf, salt water fishing, kayaking...and since he was home only on weekends he wanted to be in area with good weather--not Atlanta with bad traffic and cold winters.
So daughter moved to FL when they married. He had a small 1/1 condo across the street from the beach--
Was all he needed since he wasn't there 5 days a week...COA didn't allow pets but that was ok because he wasn't there to take care of one...
But it was hard on our daughter...she was basically stranded in area she had no knowledge about--no friends--her husband was gone 5/7 nights most of the time. She is elementary school teacher--got job locally at pretty respected public school...teachers there were older and pretty standoffish for most part--made one or two friends but she was lonely...couldn't even have a pet to keep her company...
but she loved him and she lived in that small condo for long time because he bought it right before the RE crash and was underwater on the mortgage--
Is STILL underwater on the mortgage if he tried to sell --right now they rent it seasonally but not full time to help offset the mortgage and COA costs...
But she wanted a child--so after about 6 yrs she told him he had to change--they had to move out
She bought a house she qualified for on her salary...
He quit his job w/o getting another one--because he had the "promise of one" with company he had done a continuous improvement project for...he was going to be allowed to work from home most of the time because the company's headquarters was outside Orlando---about a 2 hr drive from their town...
They had a baby--he is a great boy--6 now and in kindergarten
She has continued to teach at same school--got her master's before she had the baby--extra stress doing that with her work load at school...
Her husband got at odds with the guys running the trucking company he was working as director of continuous improvement because they didn't want to make improvements--
They had bad financials and wouldn't make changes to improve the bottom line--he didn't really know that when he went to work there but he found out as he worked there
And some of them resented him because he didn't have background in trucking--so how could he know how to improve their company...
So he quit that job when they said he had to move to home office full time--no more work from home--
They offered no relocation expenses--
It was the middle of the school year so his wife had no guarantee she could get another job in that area
And the company was in bad money situation--kept refinancing their debt all the time...
But he COULD have rented a room and worked there M-Th and gone home over weekend--cut back on their spending to pay for the room and he could have looked for job before he quit--but he didn't...
About 2 years later the bank finally said enough and called the loans and made trucking company go into bankruptcy--but didn't do anything except make SIL feel justified for leaving...
Since he left that job which paid low 6 figures--he has has two short time jobs
One working with a computer security firm as continuous improvement guy--helping streamline work flow, helping the computer techs be better at pricing the job that needs to be done and not doing work the company isn't being paid for by the client...he talked the guy who hired him into making it full time vs a 6 mo contract job
He thought--but they let him go after about 8 mo--he did too good a job
They streamlined their process and the techs had too much free time--
The guy who hired my SIL was supposed to be the one bringing in new jobs and he couldn't fill the empty time
So he fired my SIL because he said they didn't need him anymore
He went to school and certification for PMP to help with his job search
Took him about 8 mo to find another job
That was with an executive placement/headhunter company
A startup in their area
That job lasted about 6-7 months too--
Hard to remember---
But he was laid off along with some others because company was having hard time getting enough clients
Last in-first fired as they say
So he has been looking for work since Feb
He refuses to move to an area where he could get a job
Most of the jobs in his area in his field want someone with an engineering degree which he doesn't have
Or with experience in fields like health care/hospital systems or insurance or IT--
He is good with computers but he apparently doesn't have the tech level on the ads...
So he is at home---and our daughter is working
She is great teacher--she enjoys it but tonight she was on her way home from school and called my husband
She calls him more than me because she knows I think her husband should be willing to relocate for work
I think he is selfish
They don't even go to the frigging beach more than 3 times a year
Anyway
She called and told her dad she had been tutoring after school 4 days a week to make extra money and she had to stop because it was just too much work and she wasn't getting any time with their 6 yr old son...
I was livid and wanted to cry at the same time
I cannot understand a man who will not work to put money on the table
My husband and I have been married almost 50 yrs now and there were times when he was out of work.
I was lucky enough to be able to stay home with kids when they were small--I was a teacher initially--and we both throught it was important to have a mom at home...after our son had cancer in elementary school, insurance was hard to get to cover pre-existing conditions--even after he was in remission--so I took job with the State Dept of Health and Human Services to get group insurance...
My husband was working at small company but no insurance
I worked there for 5 yrs--
He got better job--
I was home for year and then went back to teaching
Taught for 7 yrs before retired early
Had a bad year--my dad had died and his wife was a real ***** who took almost everything he had for herself
Even refused to give us any of his personal belongings--they burned his clothes just to thwart us...
Anyway
This guy has a college education--no health issues--and he is not willing to look for any kind of work to help support his family
I don't know how I can look him in the face when we go to FL next week for our daughter's 40th birthday party.
She got money this year from a family LLC her dad created before he retired from job he had--
This LLC owned some assets he had right to buy from his employer--
Over time one of them was sold and brought in significant money--
Our son owns 40%, our daughter owns 40% and we have 20--but my husband is the head--
So that money when we hoped would be used to help her retirement/investment or for college for their son is not going to living expenses and likely helping pay the mortgage on the condo the SIL has refused to sell even when the market in their area got better...
I just want to know am I crazy to resent his attitude???
Should he be willing to move for a decent job?
Should he be willing to take a lesser job to bring in money?
I feel so sorry for my daughter and I think her friends who are also friends of our SIL likely are starting to wonder when he is going to get off his butt and do something...
He has lot of positive qualities--he is taking care of the house and he is good dad--
But I just feel that he is too proud to admit his idea of his own worth/hire ability aren't as good as he thinks
How do I keep from going nuts over this???
<bleep> that was a long post. Try summarizing this if you want people to read it and give advice.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 10-30-2018 at 06:29 AM..
Reason: language
I can understand your frustration. You are worried about your daughter, whether she'll have what she needs and whether she is stressed due to the financial crisis in their family. I can understand why you want your son-in-law to find employment and take care of his family.
But you cannot live their lives for them nor be so hard knows about the choices he makes. That's between your daughter and your son in law thoughts. You have to let go and let them make the decisions that they need to. You can listen to her if she wants to talk or allow her to talk to her father which is easier for both of you. Let her know that you love her and that you were there for her anytime she needs to talk.
I know this is hard but you have to step back.
I agree with this. Your daughter and SIL are adults that are parents to your grandson. Let her vent to your husband if she prefers but at the end of the day it’s their decision what they want to do in their marriage and with their jobs. Don’t put yourself in the middle of this as it could backfire quickly. Be the cheerful MIL and doting Grandma to your grandson and let go of all the rest.
Well, you've mentioned a lot of jobs your SIL has found, but lost because of reasons not his fault. You have not described a guy who has not tried to find a job.
Next your comment about your daughter calling her husband more than you - unless I read that wrong - of course she does. He's her husband.
And, by now, she's been living in that town for many, many years, and you said she likes her job. So, if he finds a job in a different city, she leaves her friends and her job? As does their kids? Then what? Hope he can keep that job in this terrible economy? And now she has to find a new job in a new town and make all new friends? Or he's gone all week out of town, and the kids miss him and she doesn't have any help at home?
It's really hard to see our kids suffer. But, your daughter is a grown woman. Your job is to figure out your boundaries - if that means not loaning extra money to them you're not comfortable giving her, then that's fine.
But, as far as her inheritance - that's hers to do with as she will. Her marriage and her family is her business.
Try your best to think of her as an adult female friend who is not related to you, and treat her like that. Someone you will listen to, and support, and let make her own decisions.
I was having a lot of trouble with my daughter when she was in around the 6th grade. I talked to a counselor about it. I said, my daughter would get into the car after I picked her up from school, and she'd rant about things that had happened during her day that made her mad. I'd suggest what she should do about it, then she'd get mad at me. I felt like I couldn't win for losing.
The counselor told me that what my daughter really needed was for me to just listen, not to give advice. So, when she'd complain about whatever, to just say something like, "Wow, that must have really made you mad." Then, she'd say "YEAH! It sure did! Blah blah." And then I was supposed to say, "Wow, I don't blame you." And add in the occasional, "Wow. Huh. How awful! Etc."
Then, by the time we got home, she'd be in a great mood. And wasn't mad at me at all.
I know it's hard, but if you can just listen and sympathize and bite your tongue, and leave them to their own adult relationship, everyone will be happier.
Things could be much worse. As you even said, he takes care of the house and he's a great Dad. She could have it much worse, believe me. She could be a single mom, or have a husband out of town having affairs, on and on.
Well, I’d be upset too. And if this were reversed and it was your DIL not finding employment to help with the family’s needs, I think you would also be annoyed. Unfortunately, you are totally powerless in this situation. And, your daughter knows how you feel so her safe parent to vent to is her dad. I have a son and his wife is a party animal. She wants to go out “with the girls” and play a lot, leaving him home alone (and lonely) taking care of their child. It hurts my heart, too. I have to hold my tongue and I feel helpless. Just as you do. All you can really do is make sure your SIL knows if he wants to check out jobs in DFW, that you have a place he can stay for interviews and housing should he find something..... And, if he is loving toward your daughter and is a good partner to her, that’s what’s really important.
I have a similar experience with my only daughter and her husband (they are also parents). I stay out of it, have to. It is their lives and their choices as a MARRIED COUPLE. I sometimes have had a hard time with this, it hurts to see her work so hard.
He has "medical issues" that sometimes seem to be "over kill", and that is hard for me to accept, as her father was never one to complain and was never sick. He is also not who I would have chosen for her, but she did and now she has to live with him and her choice.
Over time, though, I have mellowed, and so has he/they in their relationship. What'cha gonna do?
Best wishes to you in getting some peace of mind back, you can't let this bother you, there is nothing you can do. And it sounds like he is good to her........
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