My parents are very involved in my marriage. I need some advice! (father, gatherings)
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OP, is your last name Barone, by chance? Sorry, just kidding. Seriously though, I agree with the advice given in post #29 - grow up, cut the cord, and set some boundaries, otherwise nothing will ever change. At 28, you're old enough to live life the way you see fit, not what others want you to do, ESPECIALLY mommy and daddy.
#1 set clear boundaries - physical and emotional boundaries with your parents.
#2 your husband and children are your immediate family and household you are a team. Do not let your parents divide your team. You love them and appreciate their love but do not let them inside your household.
#3. Defend your husband especially when your parents attack.
#4. Alone time and time out away from children and marriage is crucial. The fact your husband went out with a friend drinking without you and the kid is healthy and IMO a good thing. You should request he watch your kids sometime so you can go out with friends as well.
#1 set clear boundaries - physical and emotional boundaries with your parents.
#2 your husband and children are your immediate family and household you are a team. Do not let your parents divide your team. You love them and appreciate their love but do not let them inside your household.
#3. Defend your husband especially when your parents attack.
#4. Alone time and time out away from children and marriage is crucial. The fact your husband went out with a friend drinking without you and the kid is healthy and IMO a good thing. You should request he watch your kids sometime so you can go out with friends as well.
Hi, thanks for replying back, we do spend time alone, my daughter stays over my moms house sometimes, and we have dates or stay home alone cooking and watching movies, we do like spending time we family and friends, and we do share our time between the 2.
My husband did not go drinking with his friend, his friend doesn't drink and my husband is not a drinker either. He just hang out for a while, he hadnt seen his childhood friend in a couple of years and he came to us to visit, so my husband spent sometime with him, went to the mall, dinner, etc. And he wanted me to come with him but i prefered to go shopping on my own and do my own thing. But he never goes out without me.
Do you realize how silly you sound complaining about getting home around 6:30? That is a perfect reasonable time to get home and then fix dinner. Crazy idea -- instead of socializing with friends every weekend, spend an afternoon each month bulk cooking and freezing so you can eat like grownups on weeknights. Or learn to make quick prep foods.
And yet another facepalm here for whining about how your weeknight is SO busy. YOU WORK FULL TIME AND HAVE A CHILD. What do you think weeknights are going to be like??
It's starting to sound like you want to be the Little Girl when it suits you, but you don't want to deal with the intrusive mommy & daddy that come along with it. You can't have it both ways. Time to grow up, become more independent, and put some boundaries in place.
The other thing that stood out to me is the dogs. They're a lot of work and I wonder if our OP and husband haven't bitten off more than they can chew in a number of different areas.
But as another poster said, I think a lot of meals is about planning. Our OP could learn to cook multiple meals on weekends and then just heat stuff up during the week. Our OP could also learn to re-think the standard meals they eat. There are lots of meals out there that don't take a long time to make, but it's outside the standard way they currently do things.
I do believe you spend too much time with your friends on the weekends. That time can better be used to do your cooking and building your own family. Getting your kids involved in activities like sports, scouts, school functions come first. Your home life is much more important than partying with your friends.
You come off sounding like a spoiled 18yo. You're a mother, a wife, you're raising a family. You need to be independent and put your family first.
You need to mature and grow up. I'm kind of with your parents on this one but cut the cords. See your friends no more than 1 time a month. You have other responsibilities.
Hello everyone. I am going through a situation with my parents, they are way too involved in my marriage and opinionated! My husband and I have been together for 7 years now, we have a 4 year old daughter, and bought a house 2 years ago, we live on our own. My parents have always been this way, but as time passes, the worse this situation gets.
Ever since we bought the house, we have friends and family gatherings every weekend. We either host at home or go to our friends house (we have known our group of friends for years, they all have kids, so its good because our 4 year old have a lot of fun and love getting together with the other kids) When we have family gatherings, it's usually my family only (including my parents) and none of our friends. My parents like staying at my house some weekends (not every weekend) because they get bored at their house and they want to be with their grand-daughter (my dad is in his late 70s and my mother in her late 60s).
But lately, they're always saying, how we have a friends gathering every weekend, and that we go out too often, and that we get home late with our daughter, mind you, our daughter is running around the whole house with the other kids and playing and having the time of her life!
This past weekend, my husband's childhood friend came to visit (he lives in another country) so my husband wanted to spend Saturday with him, my husband wanted me to come with him but i decided to do my own thing with my daughter, and went shopping instead, he came home around 10 p.m., but he had been in contact with me the whole day, telling me where they were at, etc. My parents started saying, how he abandoned me and left me alone to go out with his friend, and this and that, which is pretty annoying, because my husband never goes out without me, and he has never given me any reason to doubt him or not trust him.
So there she goes today again, telling me how we have an event every weekend, to which i responded, mom, we are young! And she said, but do things on your own, not with friends.
Sometimes i feel like my parents have a problem with us having a social life, it's like it bothers them that we have friends, on the other hand, they were never a very social couple, I don't think they had many friends.
Our friends are not the problem, because our family is always saying how nice and healthy our group of friends is. Our get-togethers consist of wine and barbecue, the girls stay in just talking, laughing, having fun, the kids get together and play (ages 2-5) while the guys are out cooking and listening to music, it's a healthy environment, they don't do drugs, they don't get drunk, we don't go clubbing.
We are only 28 and I just don't know what to do, they are very involved in our lives, and they like giving their opinion on EVERYTHING, including parenting our daughter, it's terrible! Please help! Thanks.
Edited to Add: She is very controlling, she calls me everyday, to see if I left my house, if I arrived home ok, I pass by her house everyday, my husband works 2 jobs and I work full time, I don't have time to cook, so my daughter and I eat at her house. My daughter's school is a couple of blocks away from her house and I live 50 mins to an hour (with traffic) away. Sometimes I feel suffocated by them.
You've begun to realize how unhealthy this is, correct?
Personally, I think we should meet your husband and pin a medal to his chest. Because this man has almost Biblical reserves of patience. We're talking Book of Job kind of mettle.
You, your husband, and your daughter are a family all by yourself. You have a right to your own life. You do not have an obligation to entertain your parents every weekend. And if your parents are criticizing your husband for actually hanging out with a friend all day on a Saturday, then that's where you should have drawn the line. Grow a spine.
My in-laws were like this to begin with. We were expected to be at their house every Friday night for dinner. When I balked at this after a couple of months, you would have thought I was the worst person in the world. They would show up at our apartment and critique how we did things. My mother-in-law was the world's worst at rolling her eyes at things of which she disapproved. But I started asserting myself more. I would simply say that Friday night dinners were off the table because, by God, two twenty-something people have a right to go out with friends on Friday night. Hey, occasionally, we'd go to their house for dinner, but it wasn't going to be a standing appointment. To be truthful, I breathed a sigh of relief when they moved out of town. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure we would have had to do the same.
In terms of age, you're already an adult. So it's time you act that way. You have a right to your own time, your own friends, and your own social life without your parents elbowing their way into your lives just because you haven't learned to put some respectful distance between you and them. Your parents do not have an automatic claim on your time, and it's up to them to develop a social life beyond carping about how you do things. You might need to tell them as much.
It's not healthy for you, and it's certainly not healthy for your marriage. And if you think your husband isn't resenting this, you're kidding yourself.
Hello everyone. I am going through a situation with my parents, they are way too involved in my marriage and opinionated! My husband and I have been together for 7 years now, we have a 4 year old daughter, and bought a house 2 years ago, we live on our own. My parents have always been this way, but as time passes, the worse this situation gets.
Ever since we bought the house, we have friends and family gatherings every weekend. We either host at home or go to our friends house (we have known our group of friends for years, they all have kids, so its good because our 4 year old have a lot of fun and love getting together with the other kids) When we have family gatherings, it's usually my family only (including my parents) and none of our friends. My parents like staying at my house some weekends (not every weekend) because they get bored at their house and they want to be with their grand-daughter (my dad is in his late 70s and my mother in her late 60s).
But lately, they're always saying, how we have a friends gathering every weekend, and that we go out too often, and that we get home late with our daughter, mind you, our daughter is running around the whole house with the other kids and playing and having the time of her life!
This past weekend, my husband's childhood friend came to visit (he lives in another country) so my husband wanted to spend Saturday with him, my husband wanted me to come with him but i decided to do my own thing with my daughter, and went shopping instead, he came home around 10 p.m., but he had been in contact with me the whole day, telling me where they were at, etc. My parents started saying, how he abandoned me and left me alone to go out with his friend, and this and that, which is pretty annoying, because my husband never goes out without me, and he has never given me any reason to doubt him or not trust him.
So there she goes today again, telling me how we have an event every weekend, to which i responded, mom, we are young! And she said, but do things on your own, not with friends.
Sometimes i feel like my parents have a problem with us having a social life, it's like it bothers them that we have friends, on the other hand, they were never a very social couple, I don't think they had many friends.
Our friends are not the problem, because our family is always saying how nice and healthy our group of friends is. Our get-togethers consist of wine and barbecue, the girls stay in just talking, laughing, having fun, the kids get together and play (ages 2-5) while the guys are out cooking and listening to music, it's a healthy environment, they don't do drugs, they don't get drunk, we don't go clubbing.
We are only 28 and I just don't know what to do, they are very involved in our lives, and they like giving their opinion on EVERYTHING, including parenting our daughter, it's terrible! Please help! Thanks.
Edited to Add: She is very controlling, she calls me everyday, to see if I left my house, if I arrived home ok, I pass by her house everyday, my husband works 2 jobs and I work full time, I don't have time to cook, so my daughter and I eat at her house. My daughter's school is a couple of blocks away from her house and I live 50 mins to an hour (with traffic) away. Sometimes I feel suffocated by them.
Maybe you are giving them too many reasons to be involved in your life. Don't assume that your mom just enjoys making dinner for you every day. Maybe she feels obligated to do it to make sure the two of you get a decent meal. She knows you aren't going to cook because you say you don't have time. Maybe they are critical of your every weekend social events because they see that you could use some of that time to become better organized, more independent and to spend more quality time with your child.
When they say something like, "but do things on your own, not with friends" probably means to make time to do more family things - just you, your husband and your daughter.
I am not going to read through all the replies but I will just tell you this. Years ago, I was dating a guy whose mother used to go through severe bouts of depression. She would go to bed for days at a time. She was telling me how she hates it when friends drop by unannounced. I said 'Don't answer the door if you don't feel like it'. You would have thought I had introduced her to sliced bread. But she did it. And it worked.
I will tell you the same thing....Don't answer the door. And this is meant literally AND metaphorically.
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Do you realize how silly you sound complaining about getting home around 6:30? That is a perfect reasonable time to get home and then fix dinner. Crazy idea -- instead of socializing with friends every weekend, spend an afternoon each month bulk cooking and freezing so you can eat like grownups on weeknights. Or learn to make quick prep foods.
