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Old 11-17-2018, 06:33 AM
 
127 posts, read 94,473 times
Reputation: 422

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OP. Why bother to ask? That just opens up a Pandora's box because YOU MAY FIND THE ANSWERS HIGHLY INSULTING. Can you all just suck it up for 24 hours? If things do not go well, then do not go back in the future.
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Old 11-17-2018, 09:37 AM
 
605 posts, read 334,127 times
Reputation: 648
Quote:
Originally Posted by PuppiesandKittens View Post
For Thanksgiving, one family member ("Jane") and I are heading to my brother's house for a 24-hour visit. My brother and his family dislike Jane and constantly tell me how much Jane bugs them. I'm sure that they think the same of me.


My family is very direct. I'm thinking of emailing my brother before the visit, saying, "You tell me how much Jane bugs you, and I don't want to be a Jane, so just let me know specific things I've done in past visits that annoy you all, so I won't do them again." I'm sure that my brother would respond with a whole list of things. His wife is the kindest and most gracious person, and she might find that odd.


Question: Good idea to ask for that kind of feedback before going? I figure that it's better to know the "ground rules" in advance, to make for a better trip, but it's certainly not a normal thing to ask for.

Thanks.
It's a better idea not to bring this "Jane" to a family thanksgiving in the first place, eh? briefly stop by bringing an appetizer then spend a nice thanksgiving with Jane

Last edited by BumbleBeeHunter; 11-17-2018 at 09:49 AM..
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Old 11-17-2018, 09:45 AM
 
605 posts, read 334,127 times
Reputation: 648
Quote:
Originally Posted by randomparent View Post
I feel you, OP. My in-laws, particularly my MIL, do not like me and never have. They tolerate me because they love their son. I'm normally a very bubbly person who enjoys social occasions, but I honestly dread being with them for holidays, which tend to be higher stress than usual. Even my husband has noticed that I retreat to a corner and avoid most conversation for fear that it might cause offense. It's worse because one of my children is my mini-me. Thanksgiving is still a week away, and I'm already tying myself in knots over what I will do this year that cause her scathing disapproval. Anyway, I hope it brings you some modicum of comfort to know that someone else will be on edge this next week, too.
If your in-laws do not like you, then you aren't truly invited to thanksgiving are you? Why crash the family thanksgiving?

I think this is the issue behind many problems during Thanksgiving.
Allow the direct family to be together during thanksgiving.
Don't crash a festivity where you are not welcome nor wanted.
Some years you can have thanksgiving at your house and invite them over.
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Old 11-17-2018, 09:50 AM
 
6,503 posts, read 4,909,973 times
Reputation: 7952
I'm guessing they invite you and Jane because in their minds, it's the "right" thing to do.

In my case, because I feel unwelcome in the company of a couple of family members, I do the best I can no to go in those instances. Much less stressful all around, once they get past the "What!? How can you not come!!! wah wah wah" phase.

Sorry you are dealing with this - it's a PITA isn't it?
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Old 11-17-2018, 10:05 AM
 
1,733 posts, read 1,198,118 times
Reputation: 9511
Quote:
Originally Posted by BumbleBeeHunter View Post
If your in-laws do not like you, then you aren't truly invited to thanksgiving are you? Why crash the family thanksgiving?

I think this is the issue behind many problems during Thanksgiving.
Allow the direct family to be together during thanksgiving.
Don't crash a festivity where you are not welcome nor wanted.
Some years you can have thanksgiving at your house and invite them over.
When she married her husband, she became part of the family whether they like it or not.

That certainly doesn't make her a "crasher."

"The direct family"? This implies the son – a man with a wife and family of his own – is still a little boy living under the aegis of his parents and he shouldn't bring home the kid on the corner for Thanksgiving dinner.

The in-laws sound like the boors. Let's not place the blame on this poster. Some festivity!

That said, I'd find a way to not go myself.
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Old 11-17-2018, 10:35 AM
 
Location: The analog world
17,077 posts, read 13,316,143 times
Reputation: 22904
Quote:
Originally Posted by BumbleBeeHunter View Post
If your in-laws do not like you, then you aren't truly invited to thanksgiving are you? Why crash the family thanksgiving?

I think this is the issue behind many problems during Thanksgiving.
Allow the direct family to be together during thanksgiving.
Don't crash a festivity where you are not welcome nor wanted.
Some years you can have thanksgiving at your house and invite them over.
I'm not crashing Thanksgiving. I'm expected to show up, and if I opted out, trust me, there would be hell to pay. Furthermore, I would never dream of putting my husband in the position of having to choose between me and his mother. Thank you for your advice, but I handle it the only way that is acceptable. I show up dressed appropriately with a thoughtful hostess gift in hand, I stay quiet and smile sweetly, I clear and clean the dishes, and then I go home before wine loosens my MIL's tongue. I've been doing this for more than thirty years, and I've got it down. That doesn't mean I don't cringe my way through it, but I know what to do to keep the peace. I'm very well practiced.

Last edited by randomparent; 11-17-2018 at 10:48 AM..
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Old 11-17-2018, 11:21 AM
 
17,422 posts, read 13,200,337 times
Reputation: 32784
Quote:
Originally Posted by PuppiesandKittens View Post
For Thanksgiving, one family member ("Jane") and I are heading to my brother's house for a 24-hour visit. My brother and his family dislike Jane and constantly tell me how much Jane bugs them. I'm sure that they think the same of me.


My family is very direct. I'm thinking of emailing my brother before the visit, saying, "You tell me how much Jane bugs you, and I don't want to be a Jane, so just let me know specific things I've done in past visits that annoy you all, so I won't do them again." I'm sure that my brother would respond with a whole list of things. His wife is the kindest and most gracious person, and she might find that odd.


Question: Good idea to ask for that kind of feedback before going? I figure that it's better to know the "ground rules" in advance, to make for a better trip, but it's certainly not a normal thing to ask for.

Thanks.
1st, are you really ready for whatever answer that you get?

2nd, if so, this is an in person discussion, not email!
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Old 11-17-2018, 11:27 AM
 
605 posts, read 334,127 times
Reputation: 648
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatzPaw View Post
When she married her husband, she became part of the family whether they like it or not.

That certainly doesn't make her a "crasher."

"The direct family"? This implies the son – a man with a wife and family of his own – is still a little boy living under the aegis of his parents and he shouldn't bring home the kid on the corner for Thanksgiving dinner.

The in-laws sound like the boors. Let's not place the blame on this poster. Some festivity!

That said, I'd find a way to not go myself.
Excuse me? Are you saying people have no right to say who enters their home?
Wow. Talk about aggressive
Yes she married into that family and it would be nice if she was invited of course.
It is NOT NICE to crash others thanksgivings.
please do not justify such behavior
Two wrongs do not make a right


Again, she can invite the family to be together on Thanksgiving in her home
Maybe every 3 yrs or so
Be very kind to them, a generous hostess.
This might turn things around
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Old 11-17-2018, 11:37 AM
 
Location: The analog world
17,077 posts, read 13,316,143 times
Reputation: 22904
Quote:
Originally Posted by BumbleBeeHunter View Post
Excuse me? Are you saying people have no right to say who enters their home?

Because it sounds that way.

Talk about aggressive

If she is not invited, she is CRASHING a families thanksgiving. And it is not her family. It is his.

Yes she married into that family and it would be nice if she was invited of course.

It is NOT NICE to crash others thanksgivings. please do not justify such behavior.

Two wrongs do not make a right.

It just harbors animosity between others.

Again, she can allow the family to be together on Thanksgiving

And she can have Thanksgiving at her home, inviting all of them.
Please stop. Just stop. I AM explicitly invited to every family holiday celebration; I am definitely not crashing Thanksgiving. It's just an uncomfortable occasion because my MIL does not particularly care for me, and after a few glasses of wine, her tongue loosens, which makes things very awkward for all. Trust me, to opt out of a family holiday would be the worst of all possible offenses because it would mean my spouse, her beloved only child, and our children would opt out too, and that would reflect poorly on her. (My MIL is all about appearances.) You've misread the situation because all you know are the scarce details I've posted, which isn't much of a foundation to form an opinion about my circumstances. I shared my own experience so that the OP would know that s/he is not alone in dreading the holiday season not to solicit advice from people who know next to nothing about me or my family.
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Old 11-17-2018, 11:42 AM
 
605 posts, read 334,127 times
Reputation: 648
Quote:
Originally Posted by randomparent View Post
I'm not crashing Thanksgiving. I'm expected to show up, and if I opted out, trust me, there would be hell to pay.
There is not hell to pay already?
Quote:
Furthermore, I would never dream of putting my husband in the position of having to choose between me and his mother.
I am not sure where this came from. I never thought you would do such. He and the kids would just spend thanksgiving with his family. He is with you all the rest of the time
Quote:
Thank you for your advice, but I handle it the only way that is acceptable. I show up dressed appropriately with a thoughtful hostess gift in hand, I stay quiet and smile sweetly, I clear and clean the dishes, and then I go home before wine loosens my MIL's tongue. I've been doing this for more than thirty years, and I've got it down. That doesn't mean I don't cringe my way through it, but I know what to do to keep the peace. I'm very well practiced.
Alright, I understand. it's your life.

FTR, I don't care for fake people, it's deception so I wouldn't behave in such a manner.
You need to be genuine, honest, not fake. No one likes deceptive people.
It can be a circus while you stand there and grin. But to me, that is just twisted. If there are children present, this shouldn't be modeled for them.
Or you can choose to do what is right. fore-go participating in this passive aggressive, deceptive behavior. I cannot imagine why your husband is allowing this to continue. Let him enjoy his thanksgiving with his family, they don't like you whether you go or not.

All you can do is be gracious inviting them to your house every 3 yrs or so...then you have control over what happens there. Be kind to them but dis-allow deception and meanness under your roof. Just my suggestion which you won't likely take. You're getting something out of this, not sure what but this cannot continue without your participation.


FTR, this is how I handled it with my brother and sister in law. We've been friends now for years, I never knew why they disliked me back then. But we don't allow snide comments around our son so it couldn't continue. And alcohol wasn't allowed in our home or around our son. His brother brought it behaving badly. So that was the last time it occured

We are non-drinkers so the alcohol was an issue. We quit attending Thanksgiving as a family once when his brother got drunk around our son. Then they decided not to allow any alcohol which was nice. I continued to invite them all every 3 yrs or so for Thanksgiving dinner. Being kind. Asking ahead what they like to eat for dessert. I wish you the best

Last edited by BumbleBeeHunter; 11-17-2018 at 11:55 AM..
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