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I hope this would not be verbatim the message that you'd send. The wording could be expressed in a much less dismissive way. Otherwise it sounds like your just stirring the drama pot. Don't put the focus on them, make it sound like you made plans to do a non-traditional get together this year or something. The "aren't getting together with YOU" could be skewed when reading a text or email.
Just my 2 cents.
The message that I sent my brother, after he came down here, spent two months drinking and doing drugs and partying, using up all his money till his friends finally kicked him out, standing me up when we were going to go see our dying mother together, seeing her twice in two months when I go check on her twice a week and handle all her affairs (this was after he assured me he was coming down to help me with Mom - which I had my doubts about), leaving town without even telling her goodbye - the exact message I sent him was this: "I'm glad you let me know you're no longer in the area" (I only knew this because he called saying he was out of town and wondering if Mom would send him some money) "because I was going to message you. We have had a change of holiday plans and won''t be able to get together with you anyway, so that worked out."
That's true. You don't get to choose who is family, but you don't have to hang out with family because you can chose not to.
Family dynamics can be totally weird. My mother's family is absolutely awful, but still used to have the best Thanksgiving extended family thanksgiving dinner. Really nice all day parties. Of course, they were much more into stabbing each other in the back while being nice to their face so everyone behaved well.
Several years ago, my mother and her sister stopped hosting and started going to a dinner show for Thanksgiving dinner. No more family dinners. No reason that I know of, just tired of doing it.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 7 days ago)
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I just feel so lucky when I read things like this.
My family gets along. My mother set the tone, that we all get along, and she'd jokingly say to us she prayed to be able to endure the quirks and foibles of extended family with good humor.
This Thanksgiving, I do have a sister in law who's mother will be at the family dinner, and she's so far distant that it's kind of entertaining when she goes off the wire. Wonder what insane insult she'll lay down this year. It'll give us something to talk about, for sure. Um, did she actually say that?
[quote=veuvegirl;53681188]Years ago hubby and I moved to the East Coast. We had no relatives around so started a tradition of enjoying Thanksgiving dinner in our PJ's and only our family.
That's exactly what we are doing and with the forecast of very cold weather we are bunkering in starting tomorrow afternoon. We're even doing a non-standard meal and movies all day.
The message that I sent my brother, after he came down here, spent two months drinking and doing drugs and partying, using up all his money till his friends finally kicked him out, standing me up when we were going to go see our dying mother together, seeing her twice in two months when I go check on her twice a week and handle all her affairs (this was after he assured me he was coming down to help me with Mom - which I had my doubts about), leaving town without even telling her goodbye - the exact message I sent him was this: "I'm glad you let me know you're no longer in the area" (I only knew this because he called saying he was out of town and wondering if Mom would send him some money) "because I was going to message you. We have had a change of holiday plans and won''t be able to get together with you anyway, so that worked out."
So what is it that you did to create this stress free holiday? Your brother left town and your daughter that caused all the grief that one Thanksgiving is not in contact. Your mother's in the memory care center. You can't not invite people who aren't coming anyway. Just curious as you're encouraging others to do what you haven't actually done yourself.
Well, something along those lines. I'm also not going to lie to them, but I don't feel the need to share the whole truth if that makes sense. Otherwise I'd just say "You know what - you're a jerk and I'm tired of feeling obligated to cater to your rudeness/dangerous behavior/criminal activity/boorishness/fill in the blank so let's just not get together this year."
I don't need to know your life story, I said that as someone who is reading advice from you on a forum.
It's completely fine to not invite people you have to tip-toe around emotionally, but other people might need to know not to be so blunt as to put extra strain on already unstable relationships. That's all I'm saying.
One thing I have tried in the past is to allow people to drop by over 3 days. Of course, no molesters or thieves. They would have to text me they were coming over to make sure I was home (or that a certain person was not currently at my house.) I can deal with most personalities but don't want to force others to have to put up with it.
I hope your brother doesn't try to come over anyway.
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