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The daughter maybe just like me, I only want to be surrounded by my immediate family. Small crowd as usual in my household. My brother invited me to celebrate with his family, usually large crowd, because his wife’s family is also there.
There is no right or wrong, so I wouldn’t push it. In my family, sometimes I’m wrong, sometimes the kids are wrong. I treat them as guests now that they are adults. At least there is still a relationship here. Some people who advocate otherwise are spending their holidays with strangers.
My mother hates sharing holidays with any one other than her family. It is annoying to me, but I understand because she is socially awkward. I used to have big birthday parties for my daughter including family and friends, but my mother insisted I have family parties separately.
As I get older, I am more interested in intimate gatherings. I am a lot less social than I used to be. I can see both sides of the coin. It really comes down to this - people are different. Their comfort zones are different. Neither is right or wrong. Mismatches can be difficult.
OP, it sounds like the movies will be a great outing for you, your daughter, and your granddaughters. Enjoy.
There’s nothing I would like better, unfortunately she spends most of her time on her phone, watching TV and does not engage easily in conversation. Even when I make it a point to do something special with her she is stand-offish and to the point. No chit chat. Don’t know what else to do to bring her out without being pushy. She is a very private person and even as a child was a bit difficult. She could be confrontational and angry. With time she is less so but still can be a little cruel. At this time, I don’t believe it has to do with wanting “just us” time, but more of not wanting to have to make an effort to be sociable.
Ok, you won't want to hear this, but here goes:
You're daughter is either having an online relationship, or already having an affair with somebody she met online. She gonna cause total chaos with her entire family at some point, and then she's gonna come crying to you when her whole life falls apart from divorce, bitter children, all that good stuff.
The signs are all there, and everybody is ignoring them.
How you handle it is your business, but I wouldn't give her any power over your ability to be happy. You did your best, and now your daughter is a cheating wench, so let her go and ruin her own life.
Enjoy the people who enjoy you, and remember family isn't always about blood.
My goodness, online judgement.
I never raise my kids with what I’ve read online.
But so what if she has online affair, it’s her life.
As a parent, we’re done once they become an adult.
You're daughter is either having an online relationship, or already having an affair with somebody she met online. She gonna cause total chaos with her entire family at some point, and then she's gonna come crying to you when her whole life falls apart from divorce, bitter children, all that good stuff.
The signs are all there, and everybody is ignoring them.
How you handle it is your business, but I wouldn't give her any power over your ability to be happy. You did your best, and now your daughter is a cheating wench, so let her go and ruin her own life.
Enjoy the people who enjoy you, and remember family isn't always about blood.
SS
Making this comment I believe is out of line. Planting thoughts in OP mind, don't need to go there.
You're daughter is either having an online relationship, or already having an affair with somebody she met online. She gonna cause total chaos with her entire family at some point, and then she's gonna come crying to you when her whole life falls apart from divorce, bitter children, all that good stuff.
The signs are all there, and everybody is ignoring them.
How you handle it is your business, but I wouldn't give her any power over your ability to be happy. You did your best, and now your daughter is a cheating wench, so let her go and ruin her own life.
Enjoy the people who enjoy you, and remember family isn't always about blood.
SS
This has no basis. The OP said in the OP that her daughter does not get along with the stepdaughter based on a history of incarceration, drug abuse, and a variety of other issues with her over the years- or at least that is what I understood. I just don’t think she wants to spend time with her and felt some discomfort when she found out the stepdaughter was invited. To equate that with having an affair is ridiculous.
The part about seeing a counselor is excellent advice and I suggested it to my daughter, but she flat out refused. I had taken her to see a counselor when she was a child, related to my divorce, and she did not have a good experience. During her adolescence I took her to another counselor and she did not like it . She says she feels they’re all quacks. I personally think she’s uncomfortable talking about, and examining her feelings.
At any rate I am very proud of her for the successful business woman that she is in for the good and nurturing mother that she is. She is a good person, even if I sometimes wish she were more affectionate.
That we are very different is true, I am very physically and emotionally affectionate and she has not, but isn’t everyone different? Where is I have generally made my peace with that, it hit me hard over the holidays because of the situation with my elderly aunt, stepdaughter and granddaughter.
But I think I will take everyone’s advice and just let her be, she has a lot of issues going on at this time and a lot of decisions to make about her marriage, which has to be extremely stressful. We have set up a date to take the grandkids out to the movies after Thanksgiving and be able to spend some time together and I’m looking forward to that. I will not be pressuring her to stay longer and she wants her to do something she does not want to do. Thanks for the great insights and support.
I think you are making good choices here. I hope you have a lovely holiday.
The daughter maybe just like me, I only want to be surrounded by my immediate family. Small crowd as usual in my household. My brother invited me to celebrate with his family, usually large crowd, because his wife’s family is also there.
There is no right or wrong, so I wouldn’t push it. In my family, sometimes I’m wrong, sometimes the kids are wrong. I treat them as guests now that they are adults. At least there is still a relationship here. Some people who advocate otherwise are spending their holidays with strangers.
First of all, I totally agree with you regarding how you treat your adult kids - as guests. Yay for that!
I want to point out though that if adult kids don't act like considerate guests in their parents' homes, then it might be more enjoyable for the parents to spend holidays with people who respect and appreciate them - family or not.
My adult kids range from 25 to 36 years of age. I told them when they were out on their own (mid twenties) that it was time for our relationship to shift from parent/child to adult/adult. Three of the five took to it like ducks to water, and in spite of very differing lifestyles and values, we enjoy time spent with them. One of the five is ambivalent and more difficult to deal with, but thankfully he at least behaves around us like an adult - he's just more distant and that's OK too actually. And one is an absolute terror and frankly we're all sick of her drama. She is not invited this year. I hate that but I am not going to have yet another family holiday ruined by one person, and I am not going to host a big get together and have someone come to my house and treat me rudely.
Her choice. I'm sure she and her family will have a good holiday. We will really miss the kids but overall it's just not worth it.
First of all, I totally agree with you regarding how you treat your adult kids - as guests. Yay for that!
I want to point out though that if adult kids don't act like considerate guests in their parents' homes, then it might be more enjoyable for the parents to spend holidays with people who respect and appreciate them - family or not.
My adult kids range from 25 to 36 years of age. I told them when they were out on their own (mid twenties) that it was time for our relationship to shift from parent/child to adult/adult. Three of the five took to it like ducks to water, and in spite of very differing lifestyles and values, we enjoy time spent with them. One of the five is ambivalent and more difficult to deal with, but thankfully he at least behaves around us like an adult - he's just more distant and that's OK too actually. And one is an absolute terror and frankly we're all sick of her drama. She is not invited this year. I hate that but I am not going to have yet another family holiday ruined by one person, and I am not going to host a big get together and have someone come to my house and treat me rudely.
Her choice. I'm sure she and her family will have a good holiday. We will really miss the kids but overall it's just not worth it.
I agree with you. But OP has not stated her daughter is rude to her, just not warm and friendly. Yes, I wouldn’t invite a terror either, but that’s not the case here. But others who suggested this daughter is a brat like hers, also spending her holidays with strangers. That’s when I think, perhaps, we need to treat them as adult, heck, we treat total strangers as adult, there’s boundary with strangers than we should do the same with our own kids.
But again, we’re not there in person, we only offer advice by what we read here. As always, there is different perception on both sides. We only read one side here. So I’m not pushing who’s right and whose wrong either. There is no winning in that.
Last edited by NewbieHere; 11-20-2018 at 02:34 PM..
You're daughter is either having an online relationship, or already having an affair with somebody she met online. She gonna cause total chaos with her entire family at some point, and then she's gonna come crying to you when her whole life falls apart from divorce, bitter children, all that good stuff.
The signs are all there, and everybody is ignoring them.
How you handle it is your business, but I wouldn't give her any power over your ability to be happy. You did your best, and now your daughter is a cheating wench, so let her go and ruin her own life.
Enjoy the people who enjoy you, and remember family isn't always about blood.
SS
Wow that is a big jump and conclusion to make! Calling her a “cheating wench” is uncalled for .
To be honest all the adult kids in our family spend an inordinate amount of time on their iPhones, much to our chagrin. All are in their 20’s and 30’s.
I am not saying that it’s impossible that she would be, but given how she, her brother , their cousins and my step kids use the iPhone, and they are all around the same age, I still think it’s a big leap to make. They are always checking their Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter and other social media feeds. And I mean constantly.
If it’s true, I would be very sad and disappointed, but again, she is an adult, her choices, her life. I do not plan to begin interfering in her marriage at this late stage of the game, as I have never done so. I’m praying for both of them but that is the extent of my involvement. I will always be there for her, and particularly the grandchildren, regardless.
Last edited by mercedesmarcelina158; 11-20-2018 at 02:33 PM..
At least you are not one of those parents who thinks that their children are infallible despite all of their faults, which is, oh... 95% of parents.
You can imagine how rare it is that a parent takes a son-in-law's side over their own daughter.
Kudos to you...
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