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The attitude of my siblings was that if our parents couldn't keep up their place, then they needed to move.
It was not their responsibility to mow the grass, do the household repairs, etc. so that they could continue to live like Lord and Lady of the Manor long past the time they were able to manage the upkeep of the manor.
We had numerous discussions about how we could take turns helping out. They said they had their own chores, their own homes to take care of. Sorry. If I wanted to do it, fine. But they were not.
People are living longer these days. The idea of spending 20 years mowing grass, doing household repairs, ... just doesn't appeal to many. I've known people to avoid visiting their parents because it is always such a guilt trip about doing this, that, or the other.
It might be time for the OP's mother to be realistic about her declining capabilities and move to a living situation where her kids can visit her without putting in several hours worth of work.
I have 2 siblings and we all live in the same town as mom. I'm the only one that mows her yard, cleans her roof, takes care of her phone, computer and any electronics and helps her do this and that and gives her attention. If mom needs something, I try to show up.
I don't mind helping her. She raised me and I want to pay her back and do for her. It can eat at your time but siblings don't seem to want to help me out and take some of load off of me by chipping in to offer their help and time.
I'm really starting to resent them and how they allow me to do it all and they don't even visit or call. One sibling only shows up on Thanksgiving and Christmas and maybe to take her out on Mother's day. The other sibling does less than that.
I just don't see how a child can treat a parent like that especially if that parent will do anything for them. I guess it's just selfishness? It's hard to know that a parent could be so overjoyed to at least just get a phone call and that rarely ever happens.
Anyone is similar situation? If you have siblings and a aging parent/s that can't do all the things they used to, how so y'all work it out?
I am somewhat in that situation, although not entirely. I am one of six still-living siblings (we lost a brother in 2006).
My mother just turned 90. My two brothers, who are the two youngest in the family (49 and 52) both live with her in the house she's been in since 1957. Both of them have serious health problems, but do help her out the best that they can. The older one has a heart condition, but he still works doing physical labor and he keeps the house and yard maintained. The younger brother has a spine condition, but he often cooks for her on the days when she has dialysis (3X a week) and he does the laundry because she is no longer able to go up and down stairs.
The four sisters are happy about this because a) she can stay in her own home, and b) we don't have to worry about our youngest brother being homeless...for now.
The downside of this is that my mother doesn't have much in the way of company. The second-to-youngest bro would probably have been put on the spectrum if he was a kid nowadays. He is also dyslexic. Despite all that, he has always been a hard worker and self-supporting until he moved back with our mom after a bad relationship ended. The youngest is highly intelligent but one of those people who spend their lives proclaiming himself special and different and so the rules didn't apply to him. He spends most of his time playing video games and swallowing every conspiracy theory he can find on the Internet. He moved to my mother's house with his long-time girlfriend about five years ago to save money, but since then she left him and moved out.
Mom therefore can't have a normal conversation with either of my brothers, and neither one of them has any interest in doing things with her like watching a movie or playing cards or other games. As a matter of fact, unless the weather is really bad, my mother prefers to drive herself to and from dialysis because she can't stand my youngest brother screaming at other drivers and giving them the finger.
That leaves the four sisters. The oldest is a full-time caregiver for her husband, who developed PPMS at 65 and is now in a wheelchair. She does call my mother regularly and visits occasionally when she can get someone to stay with her husband. The second-oldest had a stroke about five years ago. She mostly recovered and walks with a cane, but she makes no effort to call my mother and has a load of excuses why she can't visit her (she lives 90 miles away). She is also at 66 still complaining about things my mother did when she was a kid and how she was picked on and mistreated by the rest of the family and how my mother wouldn't let her keep a horse in the backyard.
Then there is me. I'm in the best position to help my mother. I take her to the doctor when necessary because she is losing her hearing but pretends she "just doesn't hear certain tones" and won't discuss a hearing aid. I am retired, though I work part-time. I am 60 miles away, but I make an effort to get up there and play Scrabble or cards with my mother regularly or take her to lunch. I don't do this because I am some sort of saint, but I long ago discarded any enmity I had toward my mother for the mistakes she made raising us, and further, I was a divorced mom who never ever had to drop my daughter off at daycare. She went to my mother's house after school, and they are very close to this day. I feel as if I owe my mother for that. Bigtime.
The youngest sister is a miserable crank who only sees the dark side of the moon most of the time, and she got a late start on her career and will be working for some years to come, so she really isn't available. Regardless, she rarely calls my mother or stops in to see her even though she works ten minutes from my mother's house. Like Sister No. 2, she hangs on to resentment toward my mother for things that happened forty and fifty years ago.
My daughter and I will see my mother on Christmas because other than my brothers, who will eat and then go back to their own little worlds, no one else will be there. The family does get together at some point in January for a family holiday gathering.
So, I have chosen to not be resentful. I am going to keep doing what I do for my mom without worrying about what the others do or don't do. At least when she is gone, I will have a clear conscience.
(Unless, of course, she outlives us all. Since her last birthday in November, she's been inviting everyone to her 100th birthday party.)
So I was talking with a neighbor about this and his family is in the same situation. Parents want to stay in their home though it has been years since they could do any of the maintenance. They expect the kids to "help out" and the "kids" have been doing this for over a decade now.
They mow the grass, blow the leaves, repair the porch, clean the house... transport them to shopping, medical appointments, ...
They just hired a person who fixes their meals, cleans the place, helps them with personal cares, takes them shopping ... which has taken a load off, but they are still taking care of the yard, doing home maintenance chores.
Meanwhile, his parents sit in front of the TV and sleep in their recliners.
Maintaining their charade of independence seems like a lot of work and causes a fair amount of resentment.
Well unless the op sits down and communicates then she is allowing resentment to fester instead of stating what she needs and expects. The op is being taken for granted. Now if the op asks them to participate and they say no, that is another conversation and ball of wax.
This. You all need to talk frankly about this. I think OP needs to tell sibs what she is comitted to do going forward, and tell sibs they need to choose jobs for themselves. I also think she needs to communicate how being the primary caregiver has impacted her life.
But, I also think OP should be prepared to hear things she might not want to hear. There are more than one side to every story. But now is the time for frankness. And, there might well be time when elderly parent needs intervention. If lines of communication have been kept open, then it will be easier in future to come together with how to care for mom.
OP, try not to let your resentment show when you talk to sibs. This just puts people on the defensive, and creates unhelpful feelings.
If the siblings are willing to pitch in and help out, that's fine.
If not, then come up with another solution.
In our old neighborhood, several neighbors gave local college students good deals on room rent in return for shoveling snow, mowing the grass, helping them out around the place. They got the help they needed while the students got a cheap place to live and often some tasty meals.
Also, yard work, home maintenance, house cleaning, rides to grocery stores, ... can all be hired out. It is not necessary for family members to do it all.
Or one can move to a retirement community where these chores are included in the rent.
I only wish I could move to the state where my parents live but it's too darn expensive and unless I get a VERY well paying job, that option might be out. When we do visit, we enjoy driving them around and helping where we can. They are very independent and strong (81 & 85) but for the first time (last 2 or 3 years), they actually like it when you help them. It gives me great joy to do so and that's why I'd like to live closer. I do know if they needed me, I'd move there in a heartbeat - after getting our ducks in a row. We'd make it work.
My 3 other siblings would do what they could but probably wouldn't drop everything. It would be my honor to "pay" them back - and I, too, have decided that whatever may have happened in the past simply isn't worth getting bunched up about. We all have our demons and lessons to learn - mine is forgiveness. These two people are kinda great and don't remember all the hardships...that's ok. I'll miss them when they're not around so I'm trying to make the most of it now.
OP - I know it's troublesome but be the person YOU want to be and don't worry about the others. They'll have their own demons and lessons and you shouldn't have to be responsible for THAT - haha. If you feel the need, simply state how nice it would be to at least call, if not help out once in a while, but don't be disappointed if they don't. Life IS short - make the most of it while you can.
Thanks everyone. I have asked them, they won't help and are too busy or simply don't care. I guess I was just venting. I will continue doing what I do. It's not like mom is feeble. She gets 20,000 steps on her fitbit several times a week. lol She is hard to keep still unless a good football or basketball game is on. She is still driving herself but if I'm with her, I do the driving.
I just see her forgetting more and confused more. I wished my siblings would visit her more. I can see the disappointment that brother and sister don't visit and don't care to even call to see if she needs anything. One day she may not remember them at all and it's sad they can't find time out of their 'busy' schedule to come over since they both live within 5 miles of her. Isn't that crazy?
I mow her grass because I don't want her out in 100% humidity pushing a lawn mower. If she needs a ride to take her car to get worked on, she calls me. If she needs something from the attic, I run over and do things for her. I don't mind and do what I can but just feel bad for my mom that her other 2 kids don't come around much or ignore her calls if she needs anything.
Too late for no resenting them. Just recently I lost it and let both of them know. I had just about had it. I won't mention it again but I let them know how I felt. I told them I won't be giving them a call if she gets sick because evidently they don't seem to care about her. Too bad they can't be 'bothered' with their own mom.
I'll just handle mom myself. I think it's sad though.
Thanks for sharing everyone.
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