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Old 12-05-2018, 01:41 PM
 
8 posts, read 7,550 times
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Hello. First time posting. Looking for honest opinions please.

My wife and I married 19 years ago, my first marriage her second. I was blessed with becoming a step-father to her 2 biological daughters on that day. I love both as my daughters, although no adoption as they both have the same father who thankfully participates in their lives. Through the under 18 years before daughters were adults, we split holidays well with my daughters' father for visitation. They are now both in their late 20's and married to wonderful men, living in their own homes close to us, and our eldest daughter just had a healthy daughter. Life is great! I have a brother, sister and mother, father all still living as well as a couple uncles/aunts local to our area - well, within a 2hr drive.

My wife and I have or attend separate family gatherings on holidays during which our mom/dad/siblings families take care to celebrate on different days if possible to have the most people attend. If not possible, we just do what we can and may need to choose but then next conflict holiday we go to the others. Our extended families usually only see each other at these events a few times a year to stay connected.

That brings me to the problem of invitations and maybe 'intentions'.

Usually holidays are handled well on my wife's side, as her siblings invite everyone when they host holiday events and my wife and I are careful to do the same. Not so for my siblings - since my daughters are now over 18 and have husbands, they do not invite them but only invite my wife and I. I've expressed upset over this in the past, but just now my sister only invited my wife and I for Christmas. When my wife asked why our daughters did not receive an invitation the response was 'they can come, thought they would be busy with other family now'..... This is not the first time my daughters have been not directly invited.

My wife is off the charts angry, and I am also. Since we've expressed our upset before of our daughters not being invited, what is a reasonable response? I love all my family, but I'm honestly stretched to the point of no longer accepting invitations unless my daughters are invited too. Are my wife and I over reacting, or should we go back into 'reminder' mode again? Would others accept the latest invitation knowing it wasn't inclusive of our daughters? Difficult.

William
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Old 12-05-2018, 01:53 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
27,074 posts, read 11,694,412 times
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I'd give them the benefit of the doubt to avoid argument. It's true your girls have families now and could possibly have other plans. But I agree with you it's unfair not to at least invite them.

Sometimes people are just darn clueless and insensitive...or just think in a different way about family issues. I personally can't imagine them being left out.

If they just want you and wife then decide if you will attend or not and tell them so. It'd be fine not to go, IMO.
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Old 12-05-2018, 01:55 PM
 
4,096 posts, read 11,419,851 times
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Question: Do they do the same thing to all the nephews and nieces when they get married and start having kids? Or do the kids just show up?

Question: Does it bother your kids at all or just the two of you? If they now have their own families, going to uncle's and aunt's celebrations can add extra complexity they might not want. I don't see the uncles and aunts causing any issues in the families we know. Mom and Dad have get togethers with whatever kids and kid's families that can come. Kids invite parents and sometimes extended family comes. The older and larger the families get, the less big extended family get togethers are critical. Since these kids have essentially two separate immediate family groups to coordinate with in addition to their own nuclear families and work commitments, they may not have much extra time for extended family get togethers.

Chill out. This will only get more complex as kids are added to the equation.
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Old 12-05-2018, 02:10 PM
 
1,733 posts, read 1,193,722 times
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Were the girls always included by your side of the family growing up? If so, it's not a "step"-issue.

The previous question – are all other grown nieces and nephews invited to come with their families? – is likely a determiner.

Do the now-grown daughters care?

Sweetana is correct: It only gets more complex.

Are you and your wife really willing to go to war over this?
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Old 12-05-2018, 02:18 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
29,627 posts, read 34,087,515 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by williambaker68 View Post
Usually holidays are handled well on my wife's side, as her siblings invite everyone when they host holiday events and my wife and I are careful to do the same. Not so for my siblings - since my daughters are now over 18 and have husbands, they do not invite them but only invite my wife and I. I've expressed upset over this in the past, but just now my sister only invited my wife and I for Christmas. When my wife asked why our daughters did not receive an invitation the response was 'they can come, thought they would be busy with other family now'..... This is not the first time my daughters have been not directly invited.
What format do these invitations take? I know in my mother's family, it's usually by word of mouth, so my aunt will call my mother and say, "we're having a get together on [date]. Let your kids/grandkids know that they're all invited." It is ungenerous to not extend the invitation to your stepdaughters, even if they were busy.
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Old 12-05-2018, 02:18 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,558,485 times
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I would just go and work hard to overcome my offense.

Maybe your family just wants to celebrate with you and your wife, keep things simple. More and different people change the dynamic, and your siblings may not want to make things increasingly more complicated as your daughters have their own children.
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Old 12-05-2018, 02:31 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
38,967 posts, read 27,331,955 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by williambaker68 View Post
I've expressed upset over this in the past, but just now my sister only invited my wife and I for Christmas. When my wife asked why our daughters did not receive an invitation the response was 'they can come, thought they would be busy with other family now'..... This is not the first time my daughters have been not directly invited.

My wife is off the charts angry, and I am also. Since we've expressed our upset before of our daughters not being invited, what is a reasonable response? I love all my family, but I'm honestly stretched to the point of no longer accepting invitations unless my daughters are invited too. Are my wife and I over reacting, or should we go back into 'reminder' mode again? Would others accept the latest invitation knowing it wasn't inclusive of our daughters? Difficult.

William
Hard to say, based on the bold.

I won't say your wife and you overreacted because you expressed upset before of your daughters not being invited.

This said, I judge people based on Behavioral pattern. The sister gave an explanation and I don't think (based on what you said here) you really have a reason to doubt her.

Maybe say something like, "I would really appreciate if you can send my daughter's family a formal invitation, and I am sure my daughters would appreciate that too." I think this is all you have to say and waiting for the response.

If your sister sent the invitation to your daughters, I'd let it go.
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Old 12-05-2018, 02:36 PM
 
8 posts, read 7,550 times
Reputation: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetana3 View Post
Question: Do they do the same thing to all the nephews and nieces when they get married and start having kids? Or do the kids just show up?

Question: Does it bother your kids at all or just the two of you? If they now have their own families, going to uncle's and aunt's celebrations can add extra complexity they might not want. I don't see the uncles and aunts causing any issues in the families we know. Mom and Dad have get togethers with whatever kids and kid's families that can come. Kids invite parents and sometimes extended family comes. The older and larger the families get, the less big extended family get togethers are critical. Since these kids have essentially two separate immediate family groups to coordinate with in addition to their own nuclear families and work commitments, they may not have much extra time for extended family get togethers.

Chill out. This will only get more complex as kids are added to the equation.
Thanks for your response sweetana3. Good point about complexity.
1. Each of my brother and sister have 2 children under 12yr old, so our family is the only ones over 18yrs, and each of the children come along with their parents. Our family is the only step-children situation.
2. It bothers one of my daughters but not the other, as she doesn't get along with some of my family.
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Old 12-05-2018, 02:40 PM
 
8 posts, read 7,550 times
Reputation: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
What format do these invitations take? I know in my mother's family, it's usually by word of mouth, so my aunt will call my mother and say, "we're having a get together on [date]. Let your kids/grandkids know that they're all invited." It is ungenerous to not extend the invitation to your stepdaughters, even if they were busy.
Thank you for your comments fleetiebelle. Usually it's word of mouth, phone call, but this last time was just a text to us and not a 'group' text. Ah technology - making things easier, right? LOL.

Wish the text would have said - 'of course please extend the invite to your kids'
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Old 12-05-2018, 02:47 PM
 
8 posts, read 7,550 times
Reputation: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatzPaw View Post
Were the girls always included by your side of the family growing up? If so, it's not a "step"-issue.

The previous question – are all other grown nieces and nephews invited to come with their families? – is likely a determiner.

Do the now-grown daughters care?

Sweetana is correct: It only gets more complex.

Are you and your wife really willing to go to war over this?
Thank you for your comments CatzPaw. No other adult nieces or nephews. Yes, complicated indeed. I don't think we want to war, but we certainly want inclusiveness and I do not wish to condone inconsiderate invite. Middle ground maybe - we should have replied immediately to the text invitation asking if my children were invited and that may have forced the issue - IDK. We weren't that smart - texting is too fast....haha.
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