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Old 12-10-2018, 07:09 AM
 
14,078 posts, read 16,567,314 times
Reputation: 17654

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith2187 View Post
I've never had a friendship before with someone I've met from a website, I didn't realize that there was any "risk" involved, so no I didn't think it was risky at all--in fact as I've mentioned a few times, I believed that it was a "safe" situation, because it wasn't like we were ever going to meet up anyway, it was a phone friendship. And I took it seriously as a phone friendship, obviously, because I responded to him and spoke with him as often as I did. I didn't take it seriously as a romantic relationship, for all the reasons I've already mentioned. I did enjoy our friendship and our conversations.
I have two female Internet friends who I talk to online regularly. One I've only been talking to for three months (but it feels like longer since we've discussed so much) and the other I've been talking to for more than a year. I enjoy talking to both of them and we've discussed very private things. We have not exchanged phone numbers or discussed meeting (they both live in other states), but I would be fine with meeting them. I've had male online friends in the past who I never met. I don't think it's strange that this guy wants to meet you in person. Even if he doesn't have romantic intentions, some people do want to meet their online friends in the real world. But if you're not comfortable with it, you don't have to go along with it just because he wants to. Yes, you'd probably be hurting his feelings, but you're not obligated to take the friendship offline.
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Old 12-10-2018, 07:11 AM
 
Location: Full time in the RV
3,417 posts, read 7,769,845 times
Reputation: 3332
Quote:
Originally Posted by Henna View Post
Here's a solution. Tell him you've changed your mind, that you don't want to meet. Then offer to cover the cost of the tickets, since you acknowledge that he did clear the dates with you in advance and you said yes to the trip. So, what, you're out maybe $400 (or less, since he bought them in advance, nonrefundable from a cheapo website)? If you could pay $300 or $400 to make this situation go away entirely, would you?

One good thing about my suggested solution is that you could offer it at any time, including just the week before the trip. So you have time to check with your therapist to see if she agrees it makes sense.
This is good advice.

OP please call him today and stop this charade. You have lied to him, twice. First with the prior engagement and then trying to get out of that engagement.

This poor guy has already spent money. Before he spends any more on hotels etc. tell him. Stringing him along is just cruel.

If he chooses to come after you tell him then that is on him, otherwise you are just teasing him further down the rabbit hole.

You keep repeating the same things...how did I get here, the age difference, the missed flags... It doesn't matter at this point. You need to take action to end it.

Agree with the others-cut off contact AFTER you tell him.

Do you really think this "friendship" will get better?
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Old 12-10-2018, 07:18 AM
 
Location: Southern California
12,713 posts, read 15,468,522 times
Reputation: 35512
Cancel immediately. You may think you are on the same page but it is pretty obvious you are not. He wants more and you do not. You also have a kid around so I'd be careful here as well since you've never met him in person. As someone else mentioned offer to cover the cost of his tickets and tell him you want to remain phone buddies only. If he comes you will have to let him down in person and who knows how he'd react. I'd much prefer to do this from afar than in person with someone you don't know that well.

Ghosting him is also an option but be careful. Does he know your address? If not, does he know your full name? I'd only ghost him if there's a no way he'd ever find you. Some guys might call the cops or something if you ghost them saying they need to do a welfare check on you. Or some even crazier guys might hurry up there to see what happened and do whatever it takes to find you.

If you are certain he couldn't locate you and you must ghost him, I'd still send a "final" message. Just a quick text before the ghosting saying thanks for the friendship but I won't be responding to any messages so please stop all communication.
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Old 12-10-2018, 08:01 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
29,696 posts, read 34,240,753 times
Reputation: 76906
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith2187 View Post
I am dating locally. He didn't persist in trying to date me ?? We've been friends this entire time. The only reason I created this thread, because it dawned on me that him coming out here to see me might not be on the basis of "friendship", I felt freaked out because when I started thinking about the "friendship" I realized that this was kind of weird, and that I was weird for engaging in it. So I felt weird. It never dawned on me about safety, or my child, or anything like that, until it was brought up in this thread, but now that it's been brought up, it's created anxiety.

I'm thinking about just ghosting him again, what's stopping me is that, I'm feeling guilt that he got the tickets, and I did like talking to him(like him as a person), so I'm just feel conflicted.
I don't think you should ghost this person. Whatever your initial intentions were, he's a real person with real feelings, and you've been communicating daily with him for several months. It doesn't matter that he's far away and you've never met. Your conversations have created a sense of closeness with him (at least on his side) and he wants to meet the person that he's shared so much with and invested so much time in. That doesn't necessarily make him a creep or a threat to your safety. You need to be direct with him about what your relationship is and what it looks like going forward. After all the time you've talked to him, you owe him that conversation.
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Old 12-10-2018, 09:23 AM
 
2,447 posts, read 3,197,480 times
Reputation: 4288
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith2187 View Post
After I got everyone's opinions on here, I decided that maybe I just wasn't ready to see him, that he could be creep etc, so I lied to him yesterday and told him that I forgot about an engagement I had already said yes too, and I apologized and asked him if he had already booked the flight. And he told me he did. He said he would see if he could cancel it and get a refund, and book something later on at another date. But this morning he let me know that he had purchased nonrefundable tickets. There wasn't really guilting at that point, but moreso him trying to figure out what to do. He doesn't know anyone in charlotte. lol.
You should pay him the money he spent on the ticket. You greenlighted his visit and are now lying to try and get out of it. You owe him at least that much.
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Old 12-10-2018, 09:28 AM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
16,010 posts, read 21,025,382 times
Reputation: 43411
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith2187 View Post
I felt freaked out because when I started thinking about the "friendship" I realized that this was kind of weird, and that I was weird for engaging in it. So I felt weird.
Weird because it's based online, or weird because of the actual nature of the relationship? Lots of people form online friendships, and many people do eventually meet up with their online friends so I don't think there is anything weird about him wanting to meet you in person. If the relationship has gone in a weird direction because of the nature of the conversations with him that's a different story, but one that you had a hand in.
I agree with Fleetiebell that you should have 'that' conversation rather than just ghosting him.
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Old 12-10-2018, 09:29 AM
 
2,163 posts, read 1,543,568 times
Reputation: 6027
Sure, wire the guy the money and then wash your hands of the entire thing. But yeah, definitely reimburse the guy, don't ask, just do it and inform him as part of the 'goodbye'.
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Old 12-10-2018, 11:16 AM
 
713 posts, read 552,793 times
Reputation: 1864
What if this single mom doesn't have an extra $400.00 to send to him? She might be living paycheck to paycheck.
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Old 12-10-2018, 11:27 AM
 
14,078 posts, read 16,567,314 times
Reputation: 17654
Quote:
Originally Posted by Winter Sucks View Post
What if this single mom doesn't have an extra $400.00 to send to him? She might be living paycheck to paycheck.
Even if she does have it, I don't think she needs to pay him back.
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Old 12-10-2018, 11:28 AM
 
713 posts, read 552,793 times
Reputation: 1864
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar View Post
Even if she does have it, I don't think she needs to pay him back.
I don't either.
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