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First, he's not too young. Second~the talk dirty to you? That's weird. You need to be straight up with him. If you give and inch, he'll take a mile, so saying Oh that sounds cool, to him it means...Oh hell ya!
I wouldn't allow him to stay at your place. That should be a definite "no". Meet him in a public place, like go out for a nice long lunch at a restaurant. Say your good-byes there in the parking lot, and send him off to be a tourist in your city. Your just friends, and that's what friends do.
Of course you need to let him know before he gets on the plane that this is your intent...to get together for an hour or two, and then you have many things that you need to be doing, etc. Don't let him come thinking you are going to be his tour guide for the weekend, or provide him with free lodging, or you will end up in a very awkward situation.
Personally I don't know that I would have continued with the daily convos after the dirty talk. I would have cooled that way down and dialed back to brief texts or emails after that. It all seems so needy. I had a guy I once dated who came on way too strong, way too fast. It did make me feel weird, and he never really understood that I don't work that way and he was always pushing the envelope, taking too much for granted, showing up without calling, making me be the bad guy for needing my privacy, etc. It ended up with me pretty much tossing him out of my house one day because he just didn't get it. If it feels weird, listen to your gut and don't get put in an awkward situation.
Last edited by TheShadow; 12-08-2018 at 11:45 AM..
My thoughts exactly. Sounds like the guy is moving this ahead way too fast and way too uninvited.
I think you need to squash it right now and let him know you would just prefer to remain distant buddies. This one would bother me too, I hate pushy people.
That’s exactly what I guess is my concern. I feel like it was just an online friendship that transformed into an ocassional phone friendship, and now it’s everyday texts and calls... and now he wants to visit?
In the back of my mind I’m wondering why an attractive 25 year old single man, would spend his money to visit a 31 year old single mom to hang out for the weekend. Deep down I know this might be more than friendship to him, and that’s why I’m feeling weird about it. This isn’t what I envisioned from the online friendship we formed.
OP, where is he planning to stay? A hotel? Your place? A couple people have already asked this, and you haven't made it clear.
From what you've told us, it certainly does sound like he has more in mind than just friendship. And, frankly, it doesn't sound like you've discouraged that.
We’ve talked about relationships(not as far as me and him are concerned) but just in general and he’s maintained that he’s not ready for one yet. Beyond that when our friendship first started and he tried the flirting stuff, I let him know he was too young for me anyway. Lately I’ve been trying to encourage him to pursue some of the girls that have hit on him, etc. In other words I believe that this is just a friendship, and nothing romantic.
But I think that might be why I’m feeling weird. He contacts me everyday... I’m wondering if despite my efforts the lines got blurred? Idk.
I think you have a budding stalker problem and should pay attention to what your gut instinct is telling you about this situation being "weird". Something is off about this guy that you didn't pick up on at the beginning and now the guy is getting clingy and possessive and you're getting warning signals to be careful.
I think the lines got blurred - or else they didn't get blurred but he still doesn't want to accept that there is only friendship between you. If he contacts you every day then he clearly thinks and wants there to be more than just friendship happening. Real friends in a stable "friends only relationship" do not have contact with each other every day - unless they're emotionally unstable and are co-dependent on each other, in which case it's not a stable relationship. I think you made a big mistake in allowing it to get to the point where you are having daily contact with each other. To me it sounds like he is hoping for romance or more, he has set his sights on you and has become dependent on having daily phone contact with you and is keeping track of you. By contacting you every day and you responding, he has gained a degree of control over you and your daily lifestyle.
Frankly, (and I'm really trying to not sound like an alarmist) nothing about this sounds quite right to me and I think you're correct to feel leery about having him come to your city if he's doing it specifically to meet you. Personally I think you should break off the friendship entirely if you are not romantically interested (which he obviously is if he has tried to flirt and talk dirty to you in the past - which should have been a HUGE red flag to you that he actually wants more than friendship and that his behaviour was very inappropriate for the circumstances).
If you do end up meeting with him in person I definitely think it should be in a public place in the day time, and do not introduce your child to him. My concern is this - Have you told him where your residence is, does he know your home address? Your full name? Is it listed in the city directory? Does he know what you and your child look like?
Over the summer I was posting online on a music website that I used to frequent and ended up becoming friends with one another user. We sent private messages back and forth for a while, but the website was becoming distracting(spending too much time on it) so I decided to stop posting on it, and I let him know that it was nice getting to know him but that I wouldn’t be back on the site. He ended up giving me his number, and telling me if I ever wanted to talk to give him a call. To be polite I also gave him my number but I didn’t expect for us to be in further contact. He reached out to me a week later—I was surprised. From there we started back talking again. It transformed from talking once or twice a week, but now we talk nearly every day. Now he lives up North and I live down south. So I considered him my phone friend. We’ve exchanged photos, know each other’s names, etc.
Anyway a couple of weeks ago he mentioned places he wants to visit when he graduates from grad school(which is happening this month) and he mentioned that the first city he would like to visit is my city. And I was like “oh that would be cool” but to be honest I really didn’t mean anything by it. He then told me he would like to come visit me, and i kind of cringed(not sure why) because he’s just my phone buddy. Last week, he brought it up again—in fact he’s been bringing it up more and more, and finally he asked me if he could come on a specific weekend(told me the dates) because he had looked up the cost of plane tickets and wanted to purchase them so that he could come out here and visit me.
I found it weird and I didn’t know how to respond, but I said that the dates he planned to visit were fine. So it was confirmed, and I don’t know why I’m finding it weird but I just am. For reference I’m a 31 year old woman with a 7 year old son, he’s 25. I enjoy the conversations we have and our phone friendship but I’m finding the idea of him flying out here to visit me weird. And ever since the dates have been confirmed, he keeps talking about how excited he is to meet me and it’s making me feel weird. I know I’m probably just tripping,but is this a thing for people to make friends online and go visit each other? I know it’s a thing with dating but I honestly don’t know anyone who’s done this sort of thing for friendship, so I’m just wondering if this is something that others have done?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith2187
I don’t know if this is the case, we’ve talked about relationships and he always says he isn’t ready for one, etc, etc. In the beginning he did make comments but I told him he was too young for me etc. we talk in depth about a lot of different things and when it comes up in the past I’ve friend zoned him. It seems like we’re on the same page as far as that goes now. But I will admit that on many occasions he’s tried to talk dirty to me, or made comments that felt way more than friendly, and I told him to stop and he did.
In any case I feel mean at the thought of telling him that I would prefer to just remain phone buddies, because Im not quite sure why I feel so uncomfortable and weird about meeting offline in the first place, since I do enjoy his friendship.
Thank you for your input. I am considering just being honest and telling him that I don’t want to meet.
IMO you did know he had romantic intentions right after he tried "talking dirty" to you. No one who wants to be your friend does that. Men very often say they are okay with being friends with secret hope that will evolve to be more. If a man desires you sexually, there is no way that a normal platonic friendship can exist. I'm surprised you wouldn't know this at 31.
In any case, tell him you're sorry if you did or said anything to lead him on, but that you do not want to bring this friendship into real life. You have every right to say that, especially as the mom of a young child. You shouldn't let this man into your home with a child there, you don't know anything about him. I would not give an online stranger my home address or cell number.
Don't try to continue this "friendship". This guy doesn't want to be platonic friends.
OP, where is he planning to stay? A hotel? Your place? A couple people have already asked this, and you haven't made it clear.
From what you've told us, it certainly does sound like he has more in mind than just friendship. And, frankly, it doesn't sound like you've discouraged that.
He’s getting a hotel.
I haven’t outright discouraged it your right. Because I never envisioned it coming to this—I’ve never been in this situation. There was a point where I thought I was developing feelings for him, in the beginning, when I was having mental health issues. I thought it was silly, and I snapped out of it(realizing that I don’t know him irl so how can I like him). Since then and perhaps now that I’m medicated I’m just wondering what I’m doing here I guess. I have really bad anxiety so I tend to make a big deal out of things like this, and I came on here to get clarity.
I’m honestly embarrassed to tell my friends and family and even my therapist about this online friendship. I’m afraid of what they’ll think. So I appreciate everyone’s advice.
IMO you did know he had romantic intentions right after he tried "talking dirty" to you. No one who wants to be your friend does that. Men very often say they are okay with being friends with secret hope that will evolve to be more. If a man desires you sexually, there is no way that a normal platonic friendship can exist. I'm surprised you wouldn't know this at 31.
In any case, tell him you're sorry if you did or said anything to lead him on, but that you do not want to bring this friendship into real life. You have every right to say that, especially as the mom of a young child. You shouldn't let this man into your home with a child there, you don't know anything about him. I would not give an online stranger my home address or cell number.
Don't try to continue this "friendship". This guy doesn't want to be platonic friends.
To be honest, most of my male friendships have been this way(where they flirt or eventually try to have sex with me). And as I mentioned before I was attracted to him, and he was easy to talk to, when I was vulnerable, so I overlooked it and since it was a phone friendship I was like whatever, because I didn’t think it would go anywhere anyway.
I could tell him anything so I admit that’s why I continued to talk to him. We get each other well. And I appreciated that connection. I didn’t envision it going anywhere pass the phone though. I would never bring him around my son or to my house. Even with the men I date now, unless it’s serious they don’t meet my son or come to my house.
I’m going to talk to him and tell him not to purchase the tickets. Thanks everyone.
I have met a ton of friends online that turned out to be great friendships. However, if your gut is telling you something is wrong, listen to it. I would do what another poster said, limit your time to a lunch and be busy the rest of the time. Also be very clear with him in your relationship not being romantic.
Last edited by veuvegirl; 12-08-2018 at 01:22 PM..
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