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I have a dilemma concerning Christmas presents. We have a relatively small group of people over to our house for Christmas dinner, and we hold it on Christmas night as opposed to Christmas Eve. Included are my husband and I, my sister and her husband, my daughter and her significant other, his mother, my son and his new girlfriend. (My kids, by the way, are both in their 30s and divorced.)
We've had my daughter's boyfriend's mother come for the past two or three years. My daughter and her boyfriend have been living together for over 10 years and, although it doesn't appear as if they're ever going to get married, his mother is really kind of like a mother-in-law to her. She's a very nice, super friendly, attractive, and young-for-her-age 78. The first year she was invited, she brought small boxes of chocolates for everyone who was going to be there, even though she was meeting several of our guests for the first time. Last year, she'd just gotten over knee surgery and had been pretty much housebound for a month or so. She didn't bring gifts for anyone, which was totally alright. I did, however, buy her something quite inexpensive, just so that she'd know we cared enough about her to do so, and didn't want her leaving empty-handed. This year, I asked my daughter to invite "Susan." I mentioned it again a couple of days later and she said, "I invited Susan and she said she'd love to come but please don't buy her a gift."
On to my son's new girlfriend, "Sarah"? We have met her only one, and it was a couple of days ago. When we did, I invited her to Christmas dinner. She seemed pleased to be invited but I didn't get a definite answer one way or the other, so I'll be checking with my son within the next day or so to find out for sure whether she'll be coming or not.
We always give our kids their presents when they come for Christmas dinner and they give us what they've bought for us. We also exchange gifts with my sister and her husband. We've been giving "Mark" (our daughter's boyfriend) something fairly extravagant (relatively speaking, since he's not actually "family") since we like him so much and they've been together for so long.
So my question is... What do I do about "Susan" and "Sarah"? Susan has said she doesn't want us to buy her anything, and I really don't want to make her uncomfortable by giving her something if she did not intend to reciprocate. And I don't know Sarah's tastes at all, having only met her once. On the other hand, I hate to have them sit around and watch everybody else open gifts and not get a single, solitary thing themselves. It's just awkward and I don't know what to do. If I were to get them anything, it would be something relatively inexpensive so as not to embarrass them. I really could use some input from anyone who has had a similar situation.
"So my question is... What do I do about "Susan" and "Sarah"?"
do what you do best.
give Susan a kiss and your love.
give Sarah your gift of friendship.
Happy New Year!
Having always been the odd one out at my husband's family gathering on Christmas Eve, which we no longer have to endure as we moved far away, I rarely if ever received anything when the Christmas presents were handed out but my husband received gifts from his kids. Not that I really expected anything but it was pretty awkward. We have been married 14 years and I his kids don't even know when my birthday is, much less remember us at Christmas now that we live in another state.
But boy oh boy, forget to send the eleven grandkids their Christmas gift money and the fur would fly.
Get each of them a $25 Starbucks card and write a little note. They would feel included.
I am going to a white elephant party Monday, which a group of friends agreed to do, rather than stress over giving everyone a gift. What I did was just create a basket of goodies from Trader Joes, mostly, and decorated it with Dollar Tree stuff.
If you have a Trader Joe's, today I bought a paperwhites bulb growing in a glass jar for only $2.99. It's really nice and I put it in the gift basket I made. Nobody has to be a gardener. You just make sure the jar is 3/4 full and put it by a window, and watch it bloom. Cheap, but a really nice little gift.
So, maybe something like that? Also at Trader Joe's, you can get really nice cards for just 99 cents.
Does the gift exchange have to happen then? Or can you give gifts for the recipients to take home-- is it important that they be opened in front of you? (In some cultures, gifts aren't opened in front of the giver.)
I can see it from both sides... it would feel awkward if I weren't receiving a gift when everyone else was, even if I'd specifically asked for no gift and preferred not to receive one. At the same time, I can understand not wanting more "stuff", not wanting to receive an obligation gift (which also feels awkward), and not wanting to receive a gift from someone I hadn't gotten something for (awkward again)... so finding a situation where there isn't a big-deal gift-giving thing might be the best solution.
Have a few token presents on hand. Fancy nuts or chocolates. Scented soap. Make some homemade cookies and put them in a festive container. I bottle of nice wine or locally made liquors (popular in my area), locally made jams. I bought a couple extra bottles of sipping vinegar that I tried at a local Xmas market. It sounded awful to me - sipping vinegar- until I tried a sample. Just make it inexpensive so as to not make anyone uncomfortable. If they don't bring anything you can keep it for yourself, which is why I suggest something you happen to like.
You could also start giving/sending gifts to your children before or after Xmas and quit the exchange when others are present. Just give them a heads up. If they bring something for you open it discreetly in the bedroom at some point and get them alone to thank.
You are sweet to think this through. I have to say, though - after 10 years together, "Mark" IS family. What's the difference between them and a married couple but a piece of paper? You love him, they're together but not the marrying type... you don't have to distinguish that he's not actually family. He might as well be. And "Susan" might as well be m-i-l (she seems sweet as well. Nice for your daughter!)
Happy Holidays.
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