Revolving door dates from divorced friend (wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, person)
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I have a friend who is recently divorced. They are dating a lot which is great. Trouble is, everyone they see for more than 2 dates is "the one" and they invite them out with us (groups or my mate and I) to get our approval or opinion. But these relationships don't last more than a few weeks before the next one is being shown off.
I'm having a holiday party and this friend just told me that they are bringing the latest in this line of successive partners to it for my opinion. I'm exhausted with meeting these people to know that they are very likely not going to last. Is there a nice way I can say that I am not interested in investing in this relationship until it's lasted a more significant period of time? Like 6mos? I'm bad with names and have called the dates by the wrong ones because there's been so many. It's getting awkward. And the break-up rollercoaster is also getting old.
If you didn't tell them they could bring someone else to your party, it's not good manners for them to do so.
I'm not worried about the party per se. It's just the constant stream of different people, the excited calls and intros and the inevitable break up/hurt/tears a few weeks later. I'm tired. I want to be supportive but this is a lot.
It sounds like you’re more upset about how she manages her short romances and their fallout than the fact that she’s bringing yet another new date to an event. She values your opinion and is trying to gauge how you’ll react to him while also seeing how he interacts with her friends. Many people do that with their dates early on. It’s a good way to see if the new date is worth a greater emotional investment.
Her bringing different dates to your events shouldn’t stop you from being a polite host welcoming a guest into your home. This situation may be an emotional roller coaster for your friend, but it doesn’t have to be for you. Treat the guy like any other date of hers, welcome him warmly and enthusiastically, but don’t get yourself emotionally invested. It’s really not that hard to do. Pay attention to her date’s name and make a point not to call them by a different name. It’s no different than any of the other guests coming your home.
The issue isn’t her bringing a date to the party, it’s the fallout as you help her pick up the pieces afterwards when her unrealistic expectations are crushed. That’s where you need to have the conversation with her. When she comes to you after the breakup, maybe you can offer her advice on taking it more slowly and not getting her hopes up every time so she’s not so disappointed in the end. If she doesn’t take your advice then tell her it’s exhausting and you no longer want to hear about it unless she’s been with the guy at least 6 months. But that doesn’t have to stop you from allowing her to bring a date to one of your parties.
I'm not worried about the party per se. It's just the constant stream of different people, the excited calls and intros and the inevitable break up/hurt/tears a few weeks later. I'm tired. I want to be supportive but this is a lot.
Before my stepson met and married his current wife, he used to bring his girlfriends over to our house to meet them. I know what you mean about becoming emotionally invested in them. At the time, I felt like you, but I kept my thoughts to myself.
Now...regarding her calling you and asking your opinions about so and so, I think if it were me, I'd just have to tell her to stop. That you're tired of meeting these people, learning to like them, and then they're gone. And you're getting tired of being the sounding board for her, regarding all the boyfriends. To me, it seems like THAT'S the main thing. Tell her to stop talking about it all to you.
Inviting some guy to a party...just be polite and as engaging as you would to any stranger. And I understand you might have to pull back some.
The issue isn’t her bringing a date to the party, it’s the fallout as you help her pick up the pieces afterwards when her unrealistic expectations are crushed. That’s where you need to have the conversation with her. When she comes to you after the breakup, maybe you can offer her advice on taking it more slowly and not getting her hopes up every time so she’s not so disappointed in the end. If she doesn’t take your advice then tell her it’s exhausting and you no longer want to hear about it unless she’s been with the guy at least 6 months. But that doesn’t have to stop you from allowing her to bring a date to one of your parties.
This is exactly what I was going to suggest.
Why does she pin all her hopes on someone she barely knows? In a cyclical fashion, with every new date, no less? That points to underlying issues. By now, she should have learned, that two or three dates aren't enough to fully assess someone, and that issues not readily apparent in the earliest stage of dating do tend to come out, as the dating progresses. The fact that this lesson hasn't sunk in after so much repeated experience, suggests that there's something deeper driving this compulsive behavior.
Or maybe she has a tendency to ignore red flags, from Date 1. IDK if you're a good enough friend of hers, to Kindly suggest she might get some counseling, to explore potential root causes for this chronic issue.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 12-19-2018 at 01:53 PM..
Why does she pin all her hopes on someone she barely knows? In a cyclical fashion, with every new date, no less? That points to underlying issues. By now, she should have learned, that two or the dates aren't enough to fully assess someone, and that issues not readily apparent in the earliest stage of dating do tend to come out, as the dating progresses. The fact that this lesson hasn't sunk in after so much repeated experience, suggests that there's something deeper driving this compulsive behavior.
Or maybe she has a tendency to ignore red flags, from Date 1. IDK if you're a good enough friend of hers, to Kindly suggest she might get some counseling, to explore potential root causes for this chronic issue.
I think it's mostly that this friend has no experience with relationships outside of the marriage that they just left. It was literally the only person they had ever been with and coming from a very religious young adulthood when the marriage took place, there's just not the same kind of understanding of how relationships work in dating. It's almost like this 40-something is a teenager again. The highs and lows are hard to keep up with.
I'm not worried about the party per se. It's just the constant stream of different people, the excited calls and intros and the inevitable break up/hurt/tears a few weeks later. I'm tired.
That part of it is her life, though, not yours. Don't pass judgment.
If you don't want uninvited people at your party you have a right to say No to that.
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